It has been the subject of obsession for millions around the world, and a constant topic of speculation online, on television, and everywhere else. It offers a sprawling epic in which a cast of hundreds vies for power, wealth, and vengeance. And now, in Spring of 2019, it appears to be reaching a sort of climax. Before anything decisive unfolds, then, we offer, by way of reminding our readers what has come before and what may be yet to come, this timely test.
- What is the origin of Lord Donald of Trump’s nickname, “Littlefingers”?
a. He has small hands
b. His body is disproportionately large compared to his fingers
c. He was cursed in the womb by his own father, Fred, Lord of House Trump, Apartment Trump, and Government-Subsidized Multiple-Dwelling Unit Trump
- Why do Ivanka, First of Her Name, and Prince Jared, fly to Europe?
a. To exercise their diplomatic skill and sue for peace among the nations of the Land of the Middle East, however in vain
b. To be deposed in the Court of Italy in a suit contending that Ivanka (FOHN) purloined the shoe design(s) of another
c. To offer their counsel to the sundry Nations of the World with regard to international security, Islamist Terror, and other topics concerning which they are said, by some, to harbor wisdom
- How does Stephen Miller, He of the Dead Eyes, come to acquire a post in the Court of Trump?
a. By publicly flaunting his disdain for foreigners
b. By flattering Lord Donald and calling him “genius”
c. By cultivating Reince Priebus, The Once-Chairman
- Who succeeds Nikki of Haley as chief emissary to the Large Council of the United Nations?
a. John, The Mustache of Bolton
b. One of the many interchangeable Blonde Women
c. Jonathan Cohen, A Man of No Relation to Other Cohens
- What phrase of warning and ominous implication is uttered by everyone, from Sea-to-Lake in the South to the Tower of Trump in the snowy reaches of Fifth Avenue in the North?
a. “The South will rise again, but the North remembers.”
b. “2020 is coming.”
c. “A Trump never pays his debts.”
- What honorary if farcical appellation has been given Lady Melania of House Knauss?
a. “The First Lady”
b. “Mother of Barron”
c. “She Who Does Not Care, Whether U Do Or Not”
- Where is The Wall? What is the name of those who man it?
a. Around the Winter White House. “The Unregistered.”
b. Along the southern border, to an extent. “The Brown Watch.”
c. In men’s imaginations. “Customs and Border Patrol.”
- What uncontrollable, barbaric horde threatens to sweep across the Realm and wreak devastation?
a. The White Supremacist Walkers
b. The MAGA Faithful
c. The House Freedom Caucus
- Who is “The Girl Who is No One and Has No Credibility”?
a. Kirstjen Nielsen
b. Kellyanne Conway
c. All of them, Katie
- Should Lord Donald of Trump fall, whose fate will be most affected?
a. Pence the Smiling
b. Mitch McConnell the Treacherous
c. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Princess of Liegarden
- Who are “The Sullied”?
a. The Agees: Jeff Sessions, Matthew Whitaker, William Barr
b. Donald “The Boy” Trump, Jr. and Eric “The Other One” Trump
c. Neil “The Torturer” Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, Lover of Beer
- Who or what has emerged as a notable existential threat to the reign of Lord Donald of Trump?
a. The Southern District of New York
b. House Democrats
c. Michael “The Fixer” Cohen
- What magical, otherworldly pleasures does one experience during “Executive Time”?
a. One enjoys meals that have been Burnt at the Steak, followed by Chocolate Cake of Great Beauty.
b. One is granted unlimited mulligans on The Links.
c. One savors flattering communion with The Fox and Its Friends.
- Who has died, but whom we may see in flashbacks or testimony in the Hall of Congress?
a. Sean the Spicer, Omarosa, and The Mooch
b. The Untruthful General Michael Flynn, Mad Dog Mattis, and John Kelly, The Adult in the Room
c. Hope Hicks the Photogenic, Ty Cobb, Not the First of His Name, and Bannon the Barbarian
- Who has had his manhood cut off and been transformed from a sworn foe of Lord Donald of Trump to his obeisant vassal?
a. Marco Rubio of the Phallic State of Florida
b. The men of House Republican and the men of Senate Republican
c. Fair Lindsey of Graham
- Concerning what arcane bodies of knowledge is Lord Donald of Trump particularly expert?
a. The cyber, nuclear, and windmills
b. Trade wars, Brexit, and border security
c. Cheating at golf, cheating at marriage, and cheating contractors
- What document has elicited hilarity, outrage, and mockery throughout the Realm?
a. The Summary of William Barr
b. The Medical Report of Dr. Ronny Jackson
c. Any given issue of The National Enquirer
- Who, though blessed with the ability of Insight, is tragically crippled, and while able to Talk the Talk is unable to Walk the Walk?
a. Ben Sasse
b. Jeff Flake
c. Mitt Romney
- Who is “The Dragon of Budapest”?
a. Zsa Zsa Gabor
b. Doctor Professor Maester Intellectual Sebastian Gorka
c. Some dragon who lives in Budapest
- In what mythical religio-historical climax does Mike Pompeio, Secretary of State, ardently believe?
a. The Coming of Moshiach
b. The advent of flying cars
c. The Rapture
- Lord Donald of Trump is haunted and tormented by what spirit?
a. The Taint of His Electoral College Win
b. The Existence of Hillary Clinton
c. The Ghost of John McCain
- What ancient, closely-guarded knowledge, if released into the world, will result in immeasurable catastrophe?
Lord Donald of Trump’s SAT scores
b. The ledger of Lord Donald of Trump’s taxation levies
c. Lord Donald of Trump’s actual weight
- Who, by virtue of his slavish loyalty to Lord Donald of Trump, has become a laughingstock throughout the Realm?
a. Mick Mulvaney
b. Rudy Giuliani
c. Sean Hannity
- Of whom is Lord Donald Trump mortally afraid?
a. Robert “Bobby Three-Sticks” Mueller
b. Nancy “Khaleesi” Pelosi
c. Vladimir “The Puppetmaster” Putin
- How will all this end?
a. In indictments, plea bargains, trials, and imprisonments
b. In the triumph of tyranny, greed, and corruption
c. In the death of Lord Donald of Trump by myocardial infarction after two Big Macs and a KFC $20 Fill Up™ while seated on the throne
Scoring: Give yourself a perfect 100 for having taken the quiz. You’ve suffered enough.