University of Prestigious Degree
Application for Admission
Class of 2023
Date _____
I. Basic Information
Applicant’s Name _______________
Address ______________
_____________
High School/Prep School _________________
Grade Point Average (actual) ____
Grade Point Average (purchased) ____
Cost of GPA (in US dollars) ______
Scholastic Aptitude Test Combined Score ____
Name of Person Who Took SAT _________________
Name of Person Who “Monitored” SAT _____________
Number of Instagram Followers a/o Date ____
Number of Twitter Followers a/o Date ____
Parents’ Names _________________
Step-Parents’ Names _________
Parents’ Gross Income _____________
Step-Parents’ Gross Income __________
Grandparents’ Net Worth __________
Other Grandparents’ Net Worth ________
(All parents, step-parents, and grandparents: Attach separate sheet listing assets)
II. Personal Information
Please answer the following questions to the best of your, or your application filler’s, ability.
1. What extracurricular activities do you claim to have participated in during 11th and 12th grades?
2. Are any of the above extracurricular activities actually available at your secondary school? Because come on—mountain climbing?
3. What sports do you want our athletic staff to claim you have participated in?
4. Can you actually play water polo?
5. Can you at least swim?
6. Do you really know what pole vaulting is?
7. Is it remotely plausible that you have been offered a position on our Junior Varsity basketball team? If you are a boy, are you at least almost six feet tall, however athletically inept? If you are a girl, are you at least five-feet-six, however much you are clearly, to the naked eye, a pampered princess?
8. What positions, internships, and other admittances and appointments have you, with the help of your parents et al, successfully achieved through the awarding of cash gifts, “loans,” and/or the giving of items or the performance of services of value?
9. Have you ever been caught doing so?
10. If you have been caught doing so, were you able to talk your way out of it successfully?
11. If you are accepted at UPD, will any of your parents or step-parents get drunk and blab the whole thing to a colleague, friend, relative, or acquaintance?
12. Who is your “college advisor,” “college placement consultant,” or “independent college counselor”?
13. Has he or she done business with us in the past?
14. If so, does he or she still have our confidential information, including bank account routing number(s), account number(s), and SWIFT code(s)?
15. Are any of your parents, step-parents, or your “college advisor,” etc., if accused by law enforcement authorities of improperly influencing our admission process, likely to “sing” and “flip”? (NOTE: These terms are not references to performing in a variety show.)
16. What competitions, science fairs, spelling bees, chess matches, forensic debates, or 4-H Club zucchini growing contests have you won via cheating?
17. Was the cheating discovered?
18. If the cheating was discovered, was it your fault?
19. Oh, really? Then how did they find out?
20. If you are accepted to UPD, will you quietly acknowledge that fact with modesty and discretion, and keep your mouth shut, or will you brag to your friends, dates, and fraternity brothers or sorority sisters that you totally scammed the system, jeopardizing, not only your academic career, but the careers of many in the Admissions and Athletic departments, and subjecting them, and your parents, to the possibility of arrest, prosecution, and punishment, all because you couldn’t resist being a boastful and ungrateful little shit?
III. Academic Plans
1. In what field do you pretend to intend to major?
2. What, if anything, will you do to pass, or appear to have passed, your courses?
3. If you successfully complete an undergraduate course of study at UPD, and earn a B.A. or a B.S. degree, what on earth will you use it for?
4. Once you graduate, can we count on you and/or your family for a generous donation during our annual Alumni Giving Drive? Think carefully before you answer.
5. What do you see yourself fraudulently claiming to have accomplished in five years?
IV. Essay
Write an essay, or cause one to have been written, of between 1,000 and 2,000 words on the theme “I Know How to Keep a Secret.”
V. Signed Affidavit
I, (your name), do hereby swear and affirm that the circumstances of my admission to the University of Prestigious Degree (“the University”) are private and confidential; further, that the divulging of such circumstances to anyone, including but not limited to local, state, or federal law enforcement, the mainstream or fringe media, TMZ, or any other person or organization not affiliated with the University, may result in my immediate expulsion from the University, unless the University and my parents, step-parents, grandparents, or any other authorized benefactor working on my behalf, can reach a suitable arrangement.
______________________
(Applicant’s signature)
