Look, we get it. You didn’t drop twenty million dollars on a one-bedroom condo in Trump Tower (especially when the asking price was ten), only to fret about a yellow turmeric stain on the granite counter when you or your “people” bring in take-out Indian.
That’s why we’ve come up with nine awesome hacks especially for high-net-worth, low-visibility apartment owners. You’ve got special needs and special problems, and we’ve got special solutions to keep your “New York City residence” nice and spiffy.
- What to you is a passive investment, a way to make “dirty” money clean, or a week-end getaway love nest, might very well be, to your spoiled children and their loathsome friends, a no-fault crash pad and party house. You can “forbid” them to use it until the cows come home, but if you’re in Riyadh and they’re in Manhattan, there’s little you can do. So remind them, when they raid the pantry and fly into a rage when they can’t open expensive jars of cornichons or caviar, not to fling the jars against the wall, but to take a breath. Then take a flat-bladed screwdriver, insert it between the jar and the immobile lid, and turn slightly. That’ll break the vacuum seal and the jar will open easily.
- Escorts, call girls, girlfriends, mistresses, masseuses—whatever you call them, those gals have a habit of dropping earrings and other small, valuable items in the unlikeliest of places. Worried about vacuuming them up accidentally? (Or, worse, not vacuuming them up at all?) Cover your vacuum nozzle with a stocking (one of theirs, of course!) to snag tiny items.
- No matter how many reputable anti-surveillance firms you hire, it always seems that, after a visit by an IT or security tech, film crew, or party guests, there’s something to worry about—namely, bugs and video devices planted by untrustworthy individuals in walls and other unlikely places. So you or your people have to smash holes in the sheetrock to ferret them out. Once mended, those walls need repainting—and that can make a mess. Tip: use a hammer and a large nail or awl to punch holes in the groove around cans of paint where the tops fit. That way, excess paint from brushes will drip back into the can.
- Children, guests, dealers, and all of their hangers-on will, when uninvited visitors show up, think nothing of ditching their drugs and paraphernalia in the kitchen sink disposal unit. It’s not only unpleasant, it’s incriminating! Question: What to do? Answer: Cut a lemon in half and grind it for 15 seconds with the water running. No more druggy odor!
- Let’s face it: sometimes your wife has a mind of her own. No matter how often you tell her the New York place is off-limits, she insists of jetting to the City for a weekend—or a week!—of shopping. Result? The bitch gets her fingerprints, and those of her “friends”—all over the spotless stainless steel refrigerator, counter-tops, or appliances. But here’s help: just have her, or someone, wipe them off with a microfiber cloth and some rubbing alcohol. Just remind her the liquid isn’t for drinking!
- Sometimes, no matter how little you intend to actually live in what is, after all, mainly an investment or a way to “legitimize” certain classes of cash, you find it necessary to reside in the apartment for more than a weekend—to, for example, confer with business and/or political associates. And over that time, dirt and dust builds up on the floor. If your usual cleaning crew can’t show up—maybe they’re booked elsewhere, or they’re physically afraid of you—don’t despair. One neat trick for cleaning floors is simply to walk on them! But make sure you’re wearing chenille socks. The material magically attracts dirt and hair. Before you leave, just throw them away. Or have someone else do it.
- Sooner or later you’re going to want to sell the apartment—that is, after all, the final stage of the process of extracting clean money from the project. To do so (and to get the highest return possible), you’re going to want to display the property to its best advantage. That’s why we suggest using lemons to remove stubborn hard water stains from faucets and other bathroom brightwork. They needn’t even be whole lemons, either. Just save halves you’ve squeezed for cooking or cocktails, and rub the cut side over nickel, stainless steel, and even brass. Not only will the fixtures re-gain their like-new shine, but you’ll save money.
- When the inevitable happens, and the FBI raids the place, they won’t be considerate or gentle, no matter how many gloves they wear. That means tons of smudged and marred cabinets. How to clean with a minimum of fuss? Use a solution of one part coconut oil to two parts baking soda. It works!
- When the worst happens, and the authorities seize your apartment as evidence in a money-laundering scheme, it could fall into a state of real neglect. After all, the Feds aren’t going to lift a finger or spend a dime on housecleaning, and the case will languish for months. What, if you ever get it back, can you do about that “not-lived-in/crime scene” stuffiness? Try starting with the blinds. Use a solution of one half water, one half vinegar (white; not balsamic). Dip an old sock in the liquid and run it across each slat. Magic!
(Oh, and those turmeric stains? Make a paste of baking soda and water, apply to the stain, let it sit ten minutes, then wipe off and rinse. You’re welcome.)
Stuart Chalmers
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