Congratulations, New White House Hire! Your mandatory online training program is almost over!
Now that you’ve completed your training modules, please take this brief quiz to insure that you comply with the Trump Administration’s standards regarding ethical office behavior, non-discriminatory practices and sexual harassment policies:
1. Your assistant Donna has made a serious error on an important task you assigned her. She is apologetic, but correcting her error will require working through the weekend. Should you:
- Demand that she work through the weekend to correct her error by herself?
- Spend the weekend correcting the error yourself so she won’t get in trouble?
- Offer to work with her through the weekend at a nearby motel, as long as she crawls on all fours while fetching the corrected paperwork with her mouth?
- What does Donna look like?
The correct answer is 4. You should never spend a weekend sexually degrading an underling without first ascertaining if she is hot.
2. Tyrnell has been doing good work in your department for 6 months. He feels passed over for a promotion which you gave to Melissa. Should you:
- Review Tyrnell’s performance record with him and discuss where he can improve his job skills?
- Promise to give Tyrnell the next job promotion when it becomes available?
- Give Tyrnell the job and tell Melissa to go back to restocking the coffee machine?
- What does Melissa look like?
- None of the above?
The correct answer is 5. Tyrnell sounds black so he is not working in the Trump Administration.
3. You have made a serious error on a report that is to be made public tomorrow. There is no time to correct your mistake. Should you:
- Blame Tyrnell?
- Blame the news media?
- Accept responsibility for your error and assure your supervisor you will learn from your mistake and improve in the future?
- Hope the mistake is not noticed and vow to yourself to improve your job performance?
The correct answer is 2. Blame the news media. Tyrnell is black and does not work here.
4. You disagree with another employee, Randy, on a matter of policy, but Randy is physically disabled. Should you:
- Make fun of Randy, imitating his physical disability to the delight of your fellow workers?
- Defer to Randy’s position, even though you disagree, because you feel sorry for him?
- Defend your position to your co-workers, respectfully disagreeing with Randy and not referring in any way to his disability?
- Push Randy’s wheelchair into the path of the shuttle bus?
The correct answer is 1. If you effectively make fun of Randy, there will be no need to push him in front of a shuttle bus.
5. You’re representing your committee at a conference when an attendee, Danny, publicly disagrees with you. Should you:
- Hit Danny in the face?
- Encourage the less intelligent members of your committee to hit Danny in the face?
- Resist your impulse to adopt a hostile attitude toward Danny and reconsider the validity of his position?
- Change your position to Danny’s, because your ideas are really terrible?
The correct answer is 2. The personal use of physical violence to solve problems is always wrong because you could hurt your hand. Use your lessers to threaten and assault an opponent, especially when his ideas are better than yours.
6. Your boss has unfairly held you responsible for an error that was not your fault. Should you:
- Accept responsibility for the mistake because it is beneficial to the Greater Good?
- Blame the person who used to have your job?
- Whine to your co-workers?
- Tell the news media?
- Think about what the President of the United States would do under the same circumstance and try to do the same?
- Both B. and E.?
The correct answer is 6. Blaming the person who used to have his job is what the President would do.
7. A female employee who frequents your office often dresses in sexually provocative clothing, thereby distracting other workers from their important tasks. Should you:
- Take her aside and ask her not to dress in such a suggestive manner?
- Take her aside and ask her to dress in a more suggestive manner?
- What does she look like?
- Grab her pussy?
- Is it the First Lady?
The correct answer is 4. It’s obvious she totally wants it bad, especially since it probably is the First Lady.
8. A co-worker who is clearly of below-average intelligence continually makes serious mistakes, yet has not been held accountable. Should you:
- Ignore his substandard performance and hope it somehow improves?
- Dismiss your co-worker’s incompetence, as he is still new on the job?
- Tell the news media?
- Tell the news media you didn’t tell them what you just told them and blame them for reporting it?
- Address the substandard co-worker as Mr. President?
- All of the above?
The correct answer is 6.
Calculating Your Score
Give yourself one point for every question you answered correctly. If your score was:
7-8—Congratulations, you are qualified to work in the White House. Your ethical instinct, to do what President Trump would do, is highly developed, and you’ll fit right in. Welcome aboard!
1-6—Congratulations, you are qualified to work in the White House. As there are no ethics in the White House, your ethical instinct is as relevant to working here as your ability to swim would be vis a vis joining a string quartet. Welcome aboard!
