By using this document, passenger (“you”) agrees to the following terms and conditions of Imperious Air (“Company”):
- SERVICE. Company agrees to transport your person to the airport noted on the obverse, on a flight that leaves at the time specified obverse, more or less, if at all. All flights are subject to cancellation for actual, arbitrary, or nonexistent reasons. Passengers on cancelled flights will be issued Company’s apologies.
- BAGGAGE. If you have paid the Baggage Transport Fee and the Baggage Redemption Charge, Company agrees to transport your baggage in the Guaranteed Arrival Module of the aircraft, said baggage to be retrievable, by you, at the destination luggage carousel after a period of not less than thirty minutes and not more than three days after arrival. If you have paid the Baggage Transport Fee but not the Baggage Redemption Charge, Company agrees to transport your luggage in the Random Destination Module of some aircraft, which may or may not be the flight obverse, said module to land at some airport in the continental U.S. (for domestic flights) or some airport on the planet known as Earth (for international flights, including Canada and Mexico).
- SEATBELT. If you have not paid the Optional Seatbelt Fee you will find your seatbelt either missing or non-functional. You hold Company blameless and harmless for injuries to you, your person, your “mood,” and for injuries to other passengers’ persons caused by you and/or your minor child, if/when your body or that of your minor child becomes an uncontrolled projectile, flying around the cabin on occasions of turbulence, equipment malfunction, crew dysfunction, or acts of God.
- FLYING UPSIDE DOWN. Passengers flying in First Class, Business Class, Enhanced Class, Fairly Decent Class, Not Bad Class, and Economy-Plus Class will be afforded seats in the normal upright position. Passengers flying in Economy-Minus Class will find their seats bolted to the ceiling of the aircraft, and will fly upside down. Such passengers are encouraged to pay the Optional Seatbelt Fee (see above). Those who do not will be required to hold themselves rigidly in their seats for the duration of the flight (including periods of taxiing, runway delay, takeoff, landing, gate arrival delay, and taxiing to the gate). Flying-upside-down passengers without seatbelts who fail to hold themselves in their seats will fall out of their seats onto the passengers and crew below them. Economy-Minus passengers hold Company blameless and indemnified against claims relating to cranial trauma, death by broken neck (of falling passenger or passenger fallen-onto), and all other forms of injury, discomfort, embarrassment, and inconvenience.
- FLIGHT ATTENDANT ZERO. If you do not opt to pay the Have-a-Healthy-Flight Fee™ you will be subject to one or more visit(s) by Flight Attendant Zero, a flight attendant infected with one or more of the following diseases: Amebiasis, Bolivian hemorrhagic fever, Common cold (acute viral rhinopharyngitis), Diphtheria, Hanta virus pulmonary syndrome, Influenza, Leprosy, Monkey pox, Rabies, Tinea barbae (Barber’s itch), Typhoid fever, and/or Venezuelan equine encephalitis. Flight Attendant Zero is authorized to touch, embrace, kiss, cough on, yawn on, spit on, vomit on, and otherwise interact with, you.
- ENTERTAINMENT. Passengers purchasing the Prime Entertainment Package (PEP) will be afforded in-seat screens, and the requisite controls, for watching a wide range of entertainment options, including video games, first-run feature films, popular current television series, nature and science documentaries, and sports highlights shows. If you decline to purchase the PEP, your entertainment offerings will be limited to Pilots On Parade (sitcom pilots from the 1970s for shows that were never “picked up”), recorded discussions of soy bean harvests in Western Australia, and “What Was It Like Outside?,” a series of weather reports from the 1980’s, mostly from Wisconsin.
- DISEMBARKATION FEE. You agree, upon arrival, to pay the “optional” Disembarkation Fee prior to exiting the aircraft, the amount of the fee to be announced upon arrival. Passengers failing to pay this fee will be beaten up by the cleaning crew and then required to remain on the aircraft until it arrives either at its next destination, or is placed in hangar or runway storage for the night. In the event that the next flight is sold out, you will be stuffed in an overhead bin for the duration of the flight. Take care upon retrieving yourself from the compartment, as you may have shifted during the flight.
Welcome aboard!
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Eric Mueller
