The
INAUGURAL MENU
of
Donald J. Trump
In Honor of the Election of the 45th and
Most Tremendous
President of the United States
This menu has been personally selected by President-elect Trump
COCKTAILS
Crown Royal
Some kind of whiskey, I’m not sure what. But something about it sounds good to me. Not Royal Crown, which was a cola. Great name, too, but they screwed it up. Well, it’s hard to compete with Coke. They’re in Atlanta, where Augusta is. Nice golf course. I’ve played it. Many people say my courses are better, but okay. Anyway this is good.
Grand Marnier
Trust me, this Marnier is not just grand, it’s the grandest, HUGEST Marnier ever! Actually in French it means “Big Sailor.” This is the cocktail the big French sailors used to drink, and they know their cocktails, believe me.
HORS D’OEUVRES
Oysters Rockefeller
Doesn’t really matter whether you like oysters or not, this was named after John D. Rockefeller, who founded Standard Oil. A very big guy, huge presence. Made a fortune. They taste okay.
Clams Casino
Casinos are a great business, a cash business. Big money there. The government inspectors are all over you, though. Casino Control Commission, you can’t breathe. That’s the only reason mine went under. But I did okay. Met Celine Dion. She’s not that hot, I like a fuller face, but she packs them in. And the clams have bacon on them.
SALAD
Caesar
Made special for the Roman emperor, Julius. Which is kind of a sissy-sounding name, but it’s old-time, ancient Rome. That’s what they named each other back then. But you want to talk about powerful, this guy was maybe the most powerful ever. Some people think they call it Caesar’s Palace because of Sid Caesar, but they’re wrong. It was this guy, the salad guy. You know Cleopatra? Beautiful girl. Queen of the Egyptians. Like a Pharaoh, but hot. Young, too, which you forget. Made with Romaine lettuce. So good they named the whole Roman Empire after it. The lettuce that conquered the known world and everything.
BREAD
Kaiser Roll
Bread the peasants or whatever used to bake for the Kaiser, who was a terrific leader of Germany. Like Hitler, but better. Much more impressive. Served with Imperial margarine. Melania tells me, “Don’t put butter on roll. Eat roll plain. It’s good.” I say, “This isn’t Slovenia, hon. It’s the goddamn United States of America.”
ENTRÉES
A choice of
King Crab Legs
The King of the Crab Legs! Big, huge, gigantic legs that completely tower over all those other crabs and their little loser legs! They caught these all the time on “Deadliest Catch.,” Deadly because these are big, big crabs.. Nice show. Big hit for Discovery. But not as big as “The Apprentice,” believe me. It’s basic cable, not network. Huge difference.
Or
Veal Prince Orloff
They tell me this is a braised loin of veal filled with a thin layer of pureed mushrooms and onions, and topped with something called Mornay sauce. It’s a very classy dish. But if you think about it, it’s only named after a Prince, not a King, so it’s sort of like choosing Pence over me. But he’ll never be King. Have the crab legs. They’re enormous!
SIDE DISHES
Broccoli Crowns
If you hold them over your head, they look just like little green crowns! Ivanka tells me to stop it, but everybody else laughs. I wish they were bigger, though. Like a real crown. And gold-colored instead of green. Starting January 20th, 2017, we’re getting our Mexicans to grow big, gold broccoli in the White House garden. Day One? Michelle’s kale? Gone. I mean, it’s disgusting.
Noodles Romanoff
This was named after some big Russian czar. Those guys were very, very powerful. Like Putin, only even more and with big furry hats. Have you ever seen the Kremlin? In the pictures it looks like some kind of gigantic, magnificent castle! Like something you’d see on the Strip. Incredible! Anyway, they’re noodles.
DESSERTS
A choice of
Napoleon
This guy conquered all of Europe, so you know this dessert is good. I’ve heard he was really short, and the cakes are pretty small too, which I don’t get. So I ordered extra-large. Because look, he conquered all of Europe, okay?
Or
Baked Alaska
Some kind of ice cream, which doesn’t sound that great, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of those things they set on fire at your table. So it’s very sophisticated. Many people have written about how sophisticated I am.
WINE
Rex-Goliath Cabernet
“Rex” means “King” in Latin or Greek. And I don’t have to tell you about Goliath. He was this incredible giant who killed David when he picked up a tremendous boulder and smashed him in the head with it. Kids just don’t know their Bible stories today. I think that’s very wrong. Anyway, it’s basically King Killer wine! Terrific.
AFTER-DINNER DANCING
Special Guest: Ted Nugent
Big Band music. A really, really big band. In fact the most enormous band ever. Believe me, folks, it’s a gigantic band. Performing the biggest hits of my favorite-named artists: King Crimson, Queen, Prince, Duke Ellington, Lady Gaga, Count Basie, Tower of Power, Great White, The Police. Enjoy.
