Given the Trump Administration’s many resignations and the unwillingness of qualified candidates to work for a deceitful, backstabbing, mentally-unstable boss, 85% of key positions within the Executive Branch remain unfilled. The Sherman Oaks Review of Books has acquired some of the job applications currently being considered. Here are a few samples:
EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION FORM U.S. GOV. # 456Y-B
| NAME: Morris Denby, CPA |
| ADDRESS: 4382 59th St. NW Apt. 35 ½
Septic Flats, NJ 08644 |
| D.O.B.: 07/02/1951 |
| GENDER: M |
| POSITION DESIRED:
Anything really. Gardener. Maintenance. Housekeeping. Tour guide. Whatever there’s an opening in. Does the President need a food taster? Just kidding. But I would do that. Seriously. |
| PRIOR WORK EXPERIENCE IN THIS FIELD:
34 years Vice President of Rollins, Skeevy & Crookman Accountants, Inc. 6 years prison laundry. Oh yeah, I can wash clothes too. Also, I learned how to what would you call it? Exotic dancing, I guess. |
| EDUCATION:
High School: Choate Rosemary Hall Prep School College: 1970 Tufts University, Bachelor of Science, Finance 1974 Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, MBA Trade or Professional School: 2011-2016 Southern State Correctional Institution Metal Shop |
| HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME?
Yes, but only Tax Evasion. And Fraud. And Failure To Appear in Court. The charges of Attempting To Smuggle Currency in Excess of $10,000 were dropped when cavity search was determined to be unlawful. |
| WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
Del Taco and Popeye’s Chicken aren’t hiring. Dumper Pumpers Portable Sanitation Evacuating Services has strict hiring policies regarding ex-cons. |
| COMMENTS (for HR use only):
Could be useful in Dept of Treasury? Check with Mnuchin. Or on POTUS legal defense team? |
EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION FORM U.S. GOV. # 456Y-B
| NAME: Bubba Runge |
| ADDRESS: 523 Outlet Stores Turnoff
Under the Overpass Mississippi |
| D.O.B.: I don’t have me a DOB card no more. Stands for Disabled Ottomatic Benefits or something, right? Obama’s gestapos took mine away from me after I tried to use it to get a ride on the bus only then that foreigner bus driver called the cops on me before I could rip the damn radio off her dashboard and they chased me through the woods but I lost them in that there swap meet by the power plant. |
| GENDER: Man |
| POSITION DESIRED: Vice President of War |
| PRIOR WORK EXPERIENCE IN THIS FIELD:
3 weeks basic training. The Army. Owned and operated many assault weapons before I had to sell them and I swear to God they were mine. Official Gun-Getter for Dilbrook County New Confederacy Militia. Almost ambushed a Brink’s truck outside that there bank in Meridian but it done drove off too fast. Once shot Billy Mongo’s two little toes off. |
| EDUCATION:
High School: Mostly College: Trade or Professional School: Does Traffic School count? |
| HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME? Nuh-uh! |
| WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
To lead the invasion of Islam and Mexico. |
| COMMENTS (for HR use only):
Press briefing room security? Or possibly higher? Don’t mention this hire to Spicer. |
EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION FORM U.S. GOV. # 456Y-B
| NAME: Kimmy Sue Clyborne |
| ADDRESS: 6381 E-Z Key Roomz by Weekz or Hourz
Room 12 Sunova Beach, VA |
| D.O.B.: None of your bees-wax! J |
| GENDER: Feeee-male! 😮 |
| POSITION DESIRED: Personal assistant to the President. 😉 |
| PRIOR WORK EXPERIENCE IN THIS FIELD:
Hostess at the Peppermint Testicle Gentleman’s Club. Chief Hygiene Handler at the Mens Wing of the Twilight Manor Rest Home. Executor of the estate of the late William Floobis. Owner of Kimmy’s Sue’s House of Leisurely Ass Waxing. Voted Miss Ankle Bracelet by the Virginia Parole Officers Association. |
| EDUCATION:
High School: Check with Coach Duncan, I’m sure he’ll confirm I graduated. My diploma might have gotten lost under his desk somewhere. Ask him. Go ahead. College: Never technically enrolled, but I attended many many events at major colleges and universities. Trade or Professional School: Yes, very. No complaints yet! |
| HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME?
Nothing that wasn’t overturned on appeal. And you can confirm that with the Honorable Judge Harland Deacon, who is an upstanding member of the community with a wife and three kids. |
| WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
I just want to do anything I can to help the President do his job, because it looks sooo hard. I have helped many rich and powerful men relax by letting them grab my attention. And if the President gets tired of all those European briefings, let’s just say I know how to get rid of his briefs and start European on him! 😉 |
| COMMENTS (for HR use only):
Per Mrs. Trump’s request, hire immediately. |
EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION FORM U.S. GOV. # 456Y-B
| NAME: Mr. Randolph McDonough |
| ADDRESS: Eastern Nazarene Home For The Grizzled |
| D.O.B.: 10/6/1921 |
| GENDER: I’m not a queer if that’s what you’re saying! |
| POSITION DESIRED: I hate Mexicans. |
| PRIOR WORK EXPERIENCE IN THIS FIELD:
I have always hated them, not just lately. I didn’t even like Ricardo Montalban or that other one. Also I always hated France except for that tootsie who used to dance in tight pants with whats-his-name. And I hate Arabs and Chinese and Japanese and those other kind of Arabs who hate the Arabs who aren’t like them only I hate them too. I also hate black people and women. Except for the ones who play for ‘Bama and that French tootise. |
| EDUCATION:
High School: Yes yes yes! College: I hate colleges. The football games are okay. Except does everybody have to be black? Trade or Professional School: I took Shop like every normal boy did in school back when everything wasn’t as stupid as it is now. I made a bread board for my mother, and I could make another one right now if they’d let me out of the goddamn singalongs to go get my table saw back at the house. My mother tried to use my bread board, but my old man broke it over his knee and used it to paddle me with, back when everybody hit everybody with wood. I forgot to say I hate him too, but he’s dead so that’s probably not a top priority in the government anymore. |
| HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME?
Who the hell are you to ask me that? The government has no business asking a law-abiding citizen whether or not he has ever made a bread board! And what does a bread board have to do with whatever it was I was talking about anyway? Jesus! |
| WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
I was watching Fox News in the TV room and I heard somebody on there – not the one I hate but the other one – say something about something. Then John McCain started talking and he looked right at me and stepped out of the TV and told me he liked fish sticks too and we started dancing around the room only not like homos but just so the guards with the X-ray goggles wouldn’t get suspicious. So that’s when I knew I had to do something. |
| COMMENTS (for HR use only):
FBI Director? |
EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION FORM U.S. GOV. # 456Y-B
| NAME: John Smith |
| ADDRESS: 123 Main Street
Midville, Kansas America |
| D.O.B.: 03/21/1418 A.H. (correction: 1997 A.D. as we peoples say in Kansas) |
| GENDER: Male. |
| POSITION DESIRED: I wish a job close to President. But not close to Secret Service mans. Maybe cook. Yes cook in kitchen with big knives and metal objects that are not at all suspicious. Truly I am very much trusted cook, no need for policemans to be frisking. |
| PRIOR WORK EXPERIENCE IN THIS FIELD:
Cook. |
| EDUCATION:
High School: Southern Yemen (Kansas) Religious Indoctrination School College: University of Ramallah (Kansas) Trade or Professional School: Islamabad (Kansas) Travel Agent Training Camp |
| HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME?
Not yet. But praise be to my all-forgiving Baptist God who is great, that I find strength to fulfill His will in the face of the wrath of His enemies. The Methodists. |
| WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
Because I do not hate America. I much love its decadent filth and worship of false prophets. Truly. I am wishing to be President’s cook so America will not be muchly destroyed by fiery blasts of righteousness from nostrils of avenging God who is great. No, verily, I am. |
| COMMENTS (for HR use only):
I like his name. Good solid American sound. His English is weak, but better than most of the other applicants from Kansas. Seems a waste to put him in the kitchen, how about one of the openings in State? |
