Please provide four personal and four business letters of recommendation with your application packet to the Wyndham Park co-op board.
To the Members of the Co-op Board,
I first met Marc in my capacity as the conductor of the Bayonne Orchestra, an amateur symphony here in New Jersey made up of people with mental health “issues” (featured in the Newark Star Ledger, New Jersey Cable Access Tonight! and The Journal of Abnormal Psychology).
Marc began with BO playing the tuba, but after he bit off his mouthpiece he switched to percussion, an area better suited to his impulse control issues.
I heartily recommend Marc for his obsessive dedication and tenacity. Despite having no natural musical talent, he often practices deep into the night, pounding out his inner demons on the timpani, glockenspiel, rototoms, cymbals and gong.
Sincerely,
Leona Prybylski, MSW
Legacy Health Systems Out-Patient Care
To the Co-Op Board:
I am a senior editor at Literati Books, a division of the Random Penguin Publishing Group Corp Inc., a division of Google/Amazon, a division of Kraft Foods, a division of Koch Holdings. I acquired Marc’s first memoir, Hard Up: Confessions of a Sex Addict, when I accidentally clicked on a link and found his profile at HornyFriends4U.com. Thanks to the book’s success, I can assure you that Marc now only uses the most discreet escort services.
You also need not be alarmed by his second memoir, Gangsta Baby, a harrowing account of his childhood robbing convenience stores with the Crips, the Bloods, the Little “Rascals,” and the Mickey Mouse Klub. As you may recall from his highly-rated appearance on The Tyra Banks Show, he made the entire thing up.
Despite the pending class action suit, we here at Literati feel confident that Marc has a bright future in fiction. Unfortunately, since I began this letter the Random Penguin Publishing Group Corp Inc has been acquired by the HarperCollinsSimonSchuster Media Military Industrial Complex and I am no longer employed.
Regretfully,
Martin Pinkus
Freelance Editor
Dear Co-op Board,
Marc Acito and I have been friends since high school, when we met during a bomb scare of unknown origins. You will not find a more devoted community activist. For who but a true humanitarian would repeatedly risk violating international law by transporting much-needed medical marijuana over the border? My grandmother and her caregivers will be forever grateful to him and his pliant, commodious rectum.
Stay cool,
The Right Reverend Phillip Spooner
The Church of the Yellow Cab
Dear Building Thingy,
Marc said this qualifies as a professional recommendation because he works around the house, but I don’t think taking out the trash every leap year counts. Then again, what do I know? I’m just a mother.
Still, I would love if it you approved my Marco for an apartment. That way I can finally rent out my basement to someone who’ll pay.
Yours in Christ,
Sylvia Acito
Dearest Kindly Co-Op Gentlemen and Ladies,
I am Mrs. Comfort Shrewsbury Park and I have served with faith as Mr. Marc Acito’s accountant for the last of these five years. As you can witness from the enclosed tax returns, he has earned a fortuitous profit from his business interests here in Nigeria.
While I own your attention, I crave to bring your kind awareness to a matter that mutually will beneficial us. Due to the assassination of my late husband, the former Supreme and Beloved National Accountant, funds in excess of $40 million are being held in his name, which, coincidentally, is also Wyndham Park, the very name of your building. The divine coincidence of this happenstance is blessed by Nigerian law, which holds that all I require is the number of your checking account and I can transfer the money to you, which we will then split.
I would be in the most eternal gratitude at your prompt reply to this advantageous opportunity.
I remain respectfully yours,
Mrs. Comfort Shrewsbury Park
To the Best Co-op Board EVER:
I can assure you that I’m Marc is a great guy. Don’t be fooled by his boyish good looks – he’s extremely mature and completely honest.
Sincerely,
Marc Pacito
hi coop board!
its funny to write coop, like yu r chickens. LOL. me and marc acito have been “friends” for three months. i say “friends” cuz we met on the “internet”. do you know prisonpals.com? its awesome.
me and marc got to know each other real good cuz weve so much in common. like our favorite books – “the rothschilds and the global banking conspiracy”, “the pop-up mein kampf”, and anything by ayn rand.
kidding! ayn rand is the suxxor. ; )
and we like the same music – death metal rap, screamo caliope punk and the chipmunks christmas album, which we both play over and over and over. marc has promised me that when i get out i can stay with him, so i really hope you let him buy this apartment.
if not, i know where you live.
Tyrell “Car Bomb” Hawkins
Oklahoma State Prison
To Whom It May Concern:
I can neither confirm nor deny that Marc Acito was in the employ of the Central Intelligence Agency. What I can say is that the United States owes a debt of gratitude to one Marco the Mauler, who reportedly uses his bare hands to crack men’s necks open like Pez dispensers. If in fact this highly skilled and well-compensated man is indeed Marc Acito – which I can neither confirm nor deny – then the residents of your cooperative building will sleep soundly at night knowing you are safe from global terrorism.
If you choose to deny his application I would advise hiring an armed security detail for all members of the board, and their families and household pets, until such time as Mr. Acito is accepted elsewhere or is deported.
Not yours,
Name Withheld by Request
