The material below is taken from the script of the 1956 Japanese movie Goldzilla Vs. the Smug Monster, which we began serializing last week after discovering it in an attic or online or somewhere.
The story thus far:
Goldzilla, a rampaging narcissist-monster of an unearthly golden hue and strange, otherworldly cranial fur that he sometimes conceals with a cheap gimme cap, has been rampaging narcissistically all over Japan, destroying buildings and claiming to love people everybody knows he couldn’t care less about, and bragging about how rich he is. He is sometimes accompanied by his wife, a super-model.
He is opposed by The Smug Monster, an equally (but differently) repellent beast, who is conducting his own campaign of destruction, bragging about how humble his religiosity makes him, calling for the mass murder of “our enemies,” and proposing to ameliorate Japan’s economic problems by obliterating its tax collection agency.
Inevitably, these two terrifying creatures square off in combat against one another, in the course of which whole villages are flattened, forests are incinerated, women are insulted, and the passive voice is, for reasons not known by anyone, used.
We re-join the story in the laboratory of BILL, the American boyfriend of MICHIKO, a beautiful but lovely young lady-scientist, whose boss, DR. TANAKA, has used science to determine that Goldzilla is more powerful than the Smug Monster and will probably defeat him.
8 INT. BILL’S LAB – DAY – CONTINUOUS 8
MICHIKO enters on the run, distressed.
MICHIKO: Bill!
BILL: Yes, Michiko? What is it?
MICHIKO: Dr. Tanaka has discovered that Goldzilla is more powerful than the Smug Monster and will probably defeat him!
BILL: But, is he sure?
MICHIKO: Yes! He has used science!
BILL: Gosh, Michiko. That’s terrible. Do you know what this means?
MICHIKO: No, Bill. What?
BILL: The Smug Monster is the only one who can defeat Goldzilla. If he is destroyed, then there will be nothing left who will be able to stop Goldzilla!
MICHIKO: I will turn on the radio.
ANGLE ON: RADIO
SHE turns it on.
INTERCUT: BILL/MICHIKO AND RADIO ANNOUNCER IN STUDIO
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Attention, everyone! This is the radio. We have a special news bulletin of something that has happened. Goldzilla has beaten The Smug Monster!
MICHIKO: Oh, Bill…
BILL: No! This can’t be true! I won’t let it be!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: We repeat: the Smug Monster has been completely destroyed, and will now give a speech.
CUT TO:
9 EXT. DECIMATED CITYSCAPE – DAY 9
THE SMUG MONSTER stands on podium behind lectern. To his left, one of his tentacles punches his wife in the face. To his right, another of his tentacles holds aloft his helper, CARLY FIORINA.
SMUG MONSTER: People of Japan. When I began my hideous rampage, I made two promises. One, that I would begin every day on my knees, or on at least what passes for my knees, thanking the God of Monsters for being born here, in the exceptional Japanese nation that never boasts or brags, and where any giant reptile, radioactive beetle, mythically-gigantic bird, dinosaur-robot hybrid, or unclassifiable mutation, can grow and thrive and menace an entire nation. And two, that I would continue bringing wanton destruction and death to as much of Japan as possible, as long as there was a viable path for me to do so. But now, having been utterly destroyed by Goldzilla, it is with a heavy heart —actually it is with all three of my heavy hearts — that I must acknowledge that that path is foreclosed. And so I hereby announce that I am suspending my campaign for world domination.
THE CROWD reacts with joy.
SMUG MONSTER: But hear me now: I am not suspending my ambition. I am not suspending my desire to spread misery and devastation to this country, and to all countries, so long as I still draw breath. Of course I mean that metaphorically. Because I don’t literally breathe air. But I give you my word…that I will continue this fight–this fight to destroy buildings, and bridges, and cars, and whatever else just happens to be in the general vicinity…with all of my strength, and all of my ability.
THE CROWD boos.
SMUG MONSTER: And so I wish to thank my father, who is even more frightening than I am, and than I could ever hope to be. And the terrifying Carly Fiorina, who signed on to help me just a few days ago, never dreaming it would end so soon. And finally, of course, my dear wife, who I just punched in the face.
THE CROWD cheers.
CUT TO:
10 INT. LAB – CONTINUOUS 10
BILL and MICHIKO react. BILL angrily turns off the radio.
BILL: The fools! They’re cheering the fact that he’s gone. Don’t they know that Goldzilla is worse? And that now no one can stop him?
MICHIKO: That is true, Bill. Unless…
BILL: Unless what, Michiko?
MICHIKO: There may be one who can stop Goldzilla…
(End of installment)
Illustration by Lily Holmes
