FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DATE: July 26, 2016
FROM: RNC
TO: All media outlets
RE: Meet the Melanials!
They’re young. They’re social-media-savvy. They’re hyper-connected winners who are brand-aware. They’re device-fluent and political-correctness-intolerant. They’re post-racial, pro-singularity, trans-global, and life-liberty-and-the-pursuit-of-happiness-friendly.
Oh, and one more thing: They’re all absolutely crazy about Melania Trump.
“I’m, like, is she the perfect woman or what?” says Trudi Svelte, 26, who has her own consultancy and design business, where she designs consultancies and consults about business designs. “I really like that she was born in Novo Mesto in Slovenia. That means ‘New Town,’ so how cool is that? It’s on the Krka River and everything.” Trudi got to know Melania through her brand-new client, one Donald J. Trump. “Mr. Trump has me on retainer, so I get to hang with him and Melania and I just fell in love with her.”
Greg Rock has a similar story. “There’s a bunch of losers who say Melania’s not really an architect, but I know that she totally is,” says the admiring 28-year-old technical consultant. “When I was consulting with Mr. Trump about his technology and stuff, he told me. Melania’s designed a million places in Slovenia, which when she was born was, like, part of the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.”
The Melanials love more than just Melania’s beauty and her elegance. They love her attractiveness and her poise. “We need a First Lady whose face never changes its expression,” notes Brandi Sugar, 25, a fashion design consultant entrepreneur. “Michelle Obama always shows what she’s feeling. That’s, like, NOT COOL. Our enemies could see that and invade us or something. Whereas Melania always has this chill affect—which, of course, since her father managed car and motorcycle dealerships for a state-owned vehicle manufacturer. Mr. Trump told me that when he put me on retainer to advise his fashion consultants.”
When the topic of Melania Trump’s possible ascension to the role of First Lady arises, the Melanials are nothing if not enthusiastic. “It’s important to have a hot First Lady,” notes web design consultant and consultant design producer Reed Kraft, 24. “If the President is the best guy in the country, then his wife has to be, like, significantly hot. Melania has that covered in spades. Plus, she used to be a model, after being an architect, so she knows how to walk into a cabinet meeting with the Joint Chiefs and their staff. When Mr. Trump hired me to consult about his web designs, she came into the room and I was, like, Whoa. You can really tell that she grew up in a modest apartment in a concrete housing block in Sevnica.”
The Melanials are particularly excited about Mrs. Trump’s possible role as an ambassador to the rest of the world, representing not only the U.S., but the very ideas of elegance, good taste, and winning. “I can totally see her as, like, a diplomat-type person? To the rest of the world?” states Kerri-Ann Dimple, 23, an indie design freelance producer consultant. “Where she would walk into this meeting of kings and prime ministers in that ‘Hello, I’m Melania’ way, and everyone would be all, like, She’s so elegant? So let’s be nice to the U.S.A.?”
Ms. Dimple was recently able to witness Melania’s walking ability up close and personal, when Donald Trump put the young woman on retainer to produce designs of indies and consult about freelancers. “But,” she adds, “I mean, Duh? That’s just what you’d expect from someone who began her modeling career at age 16 and at age 17 posed for Slovenian fashion photographer Stane Jerko?”
The future is now, and the Melanials are there—ahead of the curve and on retainer. They’re comfortable in their skin because they think outside the box, pushing the envelope and raising the bar. But they don’t do it alone. They do it by following in the footsteps of their adored feminine ideal, Melania Trump, who glides elegantly, with an unwavering smile, at the side of her husband, Donald Trump. When it comes to leading America into tomorrow by making it great again like it already once was in the past before yesterday, look for the Melanials to point to Melania Trump and say, “We’re with her.”
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Disney ABC Television Group
