As a public service—although, let’s face it, everything we publish is a public service—the Review is pleased to present the official transcript of a press conference held on September 8, 2017, by the Committee to Elect Godzilla. The event was held at the Washington Hilton and was attended by the invited press.
The Committee comprises representatives from several different political organizations. Present were members of:
Angry Racists Non-Violent Coordinating Committee
Young Libertarians Tentatively for Godzilla
Pious Evangelical Hypocrisy Project
Free Americans for Untrammeled and Absolute Liberty for White Christians League
Mega-MAGA Macho Men for ‘merica
National Association for the Advancement of Uncolored People
Deport Immigrants Now And Hey, Stop Helping Others Return Everywhere (DINAH SHORE)
The Republican Party
The Committee’s spokesperson was Tammi Lohengrin, Director, National Conference of Pretty Blonde White Women.
TL (reading prepared text): “Thank you all for coming, both the mainstream media, who tell nothing but lies, and the right-wing media, who tell the truth even when it makes no sense or is contradicted by reality itself. We’re here today to announce the formation of an exploratory committee to promote Godzilla, the famous Japanese monster movie star, for President of the United States in 2020. In the world of monsters, giant creatures of indeterminate species, fearsome menaces to civilization, and scary marauders, Godzilla is a brand that needs no introduction. He is the star of countless movies produced and shown, not only in Japan, but here in the U.S. and all over the world. In the coming years we look forward to expanding his outreach, introducing him to the American people, and building momentum for a successful campaign to make him the next President of the United States.” And we’ll take some questions. Yes?
Q: All of your organizations, up until now, have been solidly behind Donald Trump. Does the formation of this committee mean that you believe Trump will not be running for president in 2020?
TL: We have been disappointed with President Trump. When we voted for him, we thought we were voting for an uninhibited egomaniac who would deport immigrants, restrict healthcare to those who really deserve it, bring long-needed help to our nation’s billionaires, and undo the terrible effects of political correctness, public education, and science. But President Trump has demonstrated that he lacks either the skills or the attention span to deliver on those promises. Granted, he’s made solid inroads in destroying the E.P.A. and hollowing out the State Department. But it’s just not enough. So we’re looking for an alternative. Yes?
Q: But all Godzilla knows how to do is smash buildings, throw cars around, make a lot of noise, and kill people. How can he make a good president?
TL: First, I can think of a few buildings—and people!–that need a good smashing. (laughter) Look, the chaos Godzilla creates, his furious rampages—they’re examples of what we call ‘disruption’ and ‘creative destruction.’ You can’t build a new world without destroying the old world, and you can’t build the new world we envision, which is an idealized version of the old old world, without destroying today’s old world, which is the present, modern world. In the back–?
Q: What is Godzilla’s position on climate change? Does he believe it is attributable to human activity?
TL: Unlike rigid liberal ideologues, Godzilla’s beliefs are flexible, depending on actual circumstances. Whatever he believes at a given moment depends on the last person he’s terrorized. In terms of the so-called theory of so-called ‘climate change,’ Godzilla believes that a lot of things are caused by human activity, which is why his primary goal over the years has been to try to eliminate as many humans as possible. Yes–?
Q: Godzilla is some kind of animal. He not only doesn’t speak English, he doesn’t speak any known human language. How can he possibly run the Executive Branch of the United States?
TL: You know, it’s kind of funny. I didn’t hear those sorts of objections when people who only spoke Mexican swarmed into our country and made us press 1 for English. Look, Godzilla is fluent in the international language of bellowing. (laughs) No one has any trouble knowing what he means. Yes?
Q: Your members have been vocal, over the past two years, about the necessity to build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. But isn’t Godzilla all about tearing down walls? And bridges? And highways, noodle shops, and port facilities? So, will he build that border wall and, if so, who will pay for it?
TL: If he says he will build a wall, he will build it. If he says he will smash it to pieces, he will do that. Unlike Donald Trump, Godzilla does what he says he is going to do, even if it’s sometimes hard to understand him. As for who will pay for any putative wall, I think it’s safe to say that that will be whoever Godzilla commands to pay for it. In the back, over there–?
Q: Godzilla was created in Japan. Even if he is now a naturalized American citizen, the Constitution forbids him being elected president. How can–
TL: The Constitution is a piece of paper. Or parchment, really, right? Vellum, parchment—one of those old-time paper things. Are you going to tell Godzilla he can’t do what he wants, and help bring back American greatness and exceptionalism, because of an old piece of parchment? Yes–?
Q: Many of your committee’s members are formally allied with Christianity. Is Godzilla a Christian?
TL: I actually find that question offensive. Godzilla is free to worship the god of his choice. And of course it’s no coincidence that his name starts with “god.” I can tell you that he’s not a Muslim, a Jew, a Mormon, or an atheist. So draw your own conclusion. And that’s all we have time for. Let me just remind you that we’ll be holding our first photo op on October 7th, in Richmond, Virginia, when Godzilla will simultaneously open and destroy a new Wegman’s supermarket. Thank you all very much.
