Forget the self-ironing shirt, the self-brushing tooth, and the self-eating ice cream sandwich. Okay, we can’t forget them. They’re too precious, both to us and to our lifestyle. Still, it’s the self-driving car that we’re all excited about today!
But this is a new technology — and, as with every first- generation convenience, self-driving vehicles are not without their flaws, glitches, and production “issues.” Below, the latest updates about the revolutionary mode of transportation that will change everything, everywhere, sooner or later, forever.
The Mazda Scram!, the world’s first self-driving getaway car, made its criminal debut in a heist in Dearborn, MI, on July 7. Results were mixed. It idled inconspicuously outside the bank, scooped up the three thieves without panicking, eluded pursuit, and made it back safely to the hideout. Once there, though, words were exchanged, accusations were made, guns were pulled, and the car and the three men ended up killing each other.
Ford has recalled 2,890 Vacay self-driving SUVs after reports that sixteen of them spontaneously pulled over and told their adult passengers to stop bickering, to “separate,” and to keep their hands to themselves. Ten others are reported to have suddenly turned around on a road or highway, driven home, and told their owners to go to their rooms and stay there until they’ve thought about what they’ve put everyone else through.
Toyota has recalled 1,377 self-driving SELPHs and their owners. The cars will be brought in to fix bugs in their operating systems; the owners will be given instructions on improving their “general attitude.”
The entire production run of 9,400 Tesla Model SD self-driving sedans has been recalled after many owners reported the cars get into “loud, abusive” arguments with the Waze/Google Maps instruction voice. Inevitably, the navigation app’s voice gets sarcastic, which prompts the car to pull over, stop, and sulk.
One thousand eight Nissan EGOs have been recalled after the announcement of a class action suit filed by women across twelve states. The suit accuses the car of sexual harassment whenever parked in secluded spots.
Two months after its first announcement, zero tickets have been sold for the first NASCAR AUTO-AUTO race in Talladega Beach, NY. The field will consist entirely of self-driving cars serviced by robot pit crews, with track P.A. announcements by Siri. “We thought our fans just came to watch noisy cars drive around in circles for hours in the hot sun,” commented NASCAR director of publicity Jim Kent. “Turns out they’re really more interested in the drivers! And in watching them get creamed in accidents! Who knew?”
Photo by Torrey Wiley
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