As an especially critical election approaches, one important sector of the electorate has been all but ignored by the biased liberal lamestream media: dogs. There are 75 million dogs in the United States. (There are also enough guns so that, if all the guns were distributed to all the dogs, each dog would have 4.1 guns. I’m not saying we should do that but it’s worth thinking about.) The point is, if the dog constituency was properly organized, it could easily swing the balance of the election toward the candidate who truly speaks to average Americans – and to dogs. And it’s pretty obvious which one that is.
While it’s true that our tail-wagging pals may not technically have the legal right to vote – or the ability to stand on their hind legs while manipulating a punch card with their forepaws – every dog owner knows how much influence our beloved pets have on us. So if your dog is a Republican, you should be, too. Okay, but how do you know if your dog is a Republican? If they exhibit one or more of these behaviors, they are, trust me.
- Growling at the mailman. Your dog is not simply saying: “Stranger! Stranger! Stay away from my master’s door!” Those bared fangs and repetitive barks are actually saying: “I hate the high taxes and government incompetence you represent! Privatize! Privatize! Now go away and stop threatening our house with socialism!”
- Circling his doggy bed before curling up. We’ve all heard that simplistic theory that dogs do this because their basic instincts tell them to check for predators hiding in the primeval grasses. But does that make sense? When there are no grasses in your home? What is Rex really worried about? Sabre-toothed tigers? Lurking snakes? Of course not. Answer: Muslims. That circling is a sign of canine territorial concern. And that dismissive snort he makes before tucking his nose up his own ass suggests his sensible, America-first rejection of liberal immigration policy.
- Running in his sleep. Think Fido is dreaming about chasing a rabbit? Think again! He’s never seen a rabbit. He’s not running at something, but away—away from the potential intrusion of Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents into his God-given right to roam wild and free on public lands, grazing with cattle and harvesting lumber and biting people who would impose tyranny on him and his family.
- Not bringing the ball back. You throw the ball. She doesn’t go after it. What you call: “Fetch, Daisy! C’mon! Bring me the ball!” What she hears with her excellent canine auditory system: “Fetch! Obey! Submit to the authority of a jackbooted Federal government! First surrender your tennis ball, then your right to bear arms! Give up your precious freedoms that the Founders bled and died for and become a mindless cog in an overreaching statist dictatorship, Daisy!”
- Humping the air. There’s nothing more Republican than having imaginary sex. Well, wait. Yes there is. It’s having secret sex, like Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Mark Sanford, Dennis Hastert, and (probably) Lindsey Graham. So when Rover is mindlessly attempting to copulate with himself, what he’s really doing is asserting his refusal to give in to liberal values like having sex with an actual partner in a free, open and honest manner. And he’s encouraging you to join him in America’s time-honored conservative value of fearing your own sexuality until it explodes in a frenzy of random lust and shame-filled self-loathing.
- Licking his balls even when he doesn’t have any. This isn’t about sex. It’s about self-reliance, self-sufficiency, and taking personal responsibility for dealing with your own medical condition. What your dog is trying to say is: conservatives have balls, even when they don’t. To paraphrase Ronald Reagan, “The most frightening 13 words you can hear are, ‘I’m from the Government, and I’m here to lick your crotch for you.’”
I think it’s pretty clear that your dog is a Republican. So if you love your pet, you should give serious thought to adopting his or her political stance. It will not only bring you two closer together, but it will assure a brighter future for all Americans, whatever their species, even cats.
