Ever since people have had to memorize things, to avoid being killed by poisonous snakes or to know if the red sky at night is going to be a baker’s delight, there have been things called “mnemonics.”
(A good way to remember how to spell “mnemonics” is: My Niece Eats Many Overly Nougat-y Ice Cream Sandwiches.)
(A good way to remember how to spell “niece” is: Nefertiti Is Early Chick Egyptian)
But a lot of the mnemonics in the textbooks and on toilet walls are hard to remember, because they refer to things that have become outdated since they were invented, like maiden aunts, fudge-eating good boys and mustache-grooming products for dance marathons. I made that last one up, but that’s the sort of thing.
With this problem in mind, I offer some new-and-improved ways of remembering confusing lists of things that might come up in our lives or at school, but with modern usages to help the student of today pass that test or exam, instead of being confused about where on a horse the postilion goes.
The Order Of The Planets
TRADITIONAL: My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas. (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto)
Problem: This refers to a sexist time when only mothers could serve us pizzas, and this was considered their “education.” Also: contains Pluto, which is now just a rock someplace.
SUGGESTED NEW MNEMONIC: My Vape’s Estimated Monthly Juice-Solution Use: Nineteen
The Tree Of Life
TRADITIONAL: King Philip Came Over For Good Soup (Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genera, Species)
Problem: This could only be remembered by people who lived in the time when commoners were obliged to give the King soup any time he wanted it, helping royalty but slowly soup-bankrupting the serfs.
SUGGESTED NEW MNEMONIC: Kona Pot Calms Only Four Groovalicious Senses
The First 15 Digits Of Pi
TRADITIONAL: How I Want a Drink, Alcoholic Of Course, After The Heavy Lectures Involving Quantum Mechanics. (3.14159265358979)
Problem: Using the number of letters in each word is clever, but alcohol and math don’t mix, as we are told by MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Deriving. The Romans, who were drunk all the time, had no word for zero, which is why they didn’t realize they had no pants.
SUGGESTED NEW MNEMONIC: For A Cool i-Phone Diversion (Or Galaxy Clone) You Could Download Instagram Instant Messenger.
The Lines Of The Treble Clef
TRADITIONAL: Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge (E, G, B, D, F)
Problem: Juvenile diabetes.
SUGGESTED NEW MNEMONIC: Each Graduate Biologist Dissects Fish
OR: Elephants’ Great Balls Dangle Floppily
OR: Every Gay Bishop Diddles Fourth-graders (see “Spotlight”)
OR: Especially Gorgeous Babes Drink Finlandia (possible endorsement deal!)
Poisonous Snakes
TRADITIONAL: “Red on yellow: kill a fellow. Red on black: friend of Jack.” (on Coral snakes, yellow touches red; on harmless King snakes, red touches black)
Problem: Under the stress of hiking, especially with low brain oxygen, a person could misremember the rhyme as: “Yellow and red: good in bed. Black on red: might eat Fred.”
SUGGESTED NEW MNEMONIC:
Yellow-and-red
Is the sign overhead
At Carl’s Jr, where burgers fill you
Which serves to remind:
You also find
It on “Carl” snakes, which kill you
OR: Carry a picture of a coral snake in your wallet.
The First 8 Presidents
TRADITIONAL: Will A Jolly Man Make A Jolly Visitor? (Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Adams, Jackson, Van Buren)
Problem: No one has visitors any more, today’s youth meet up at raves and at Coachella. Also, no one has been “jolly” since Santa Claus.
SUGGESTED NEW MNEMONIC: Wow, A Judge Made Me A Juvenile Offender
OR: We Always Jeer, Meeting Mean Actor Jon Voigt
OR: What Are Joni’s Most Memorable Alt-Jazz Verses?
OR: When Amateurs Joke, Make Mine A Jumbo Vodka
The Bones Of The Wrist
TRADITIONAL: Some Lovers Try Positions That They Can’t Handle (Scaphoid, Lunate, Triquetral, Pisiform, Trapezium, Trapezoid, Capitate, Hamate)
Problem: no one needs to know this. Learn the planets instead.
Philippe Put
http://tinyurl.com/n82nz6c
