A lot of people these days are asking, “Why do I need a brain?” Using our brains in these complicated times is becoming a stressful thing and it is not surprising that some, longing for careless brain-free days, question its usefulness. So we would like to summarize some of the best arguments for having a brain in this busy world.
Remembering Things. Without a brain it is nearly impossible to remember things, such as where you put something or how Connecticut voted on the 13th Amendment. We might long for “forgetting our past” or having “carefree days,” without realizing that even a simple task like tying your shoelaces becomes more difficult when you don’t remember what shoes look like, whose feet those are, how many laces should be on a typical shoe (three? seventeen?), or where the floor is.
Going To A Place. As much as you feel the allure of going to distant places, or even into the attic to see if there are any dead person’s things you can sell, going there would be harder without a brain. A brain tells you a) where you are now, b) where the other place is, and c) which is the best way between a) and b). It does, miraculously, in a fraction of a second, what would take even the most powerful computers at least a day to calculate, and it does this while also admiring your co-worker’s clever coffee mug cartoon and reminding you to pee.
Knowing Stuff. Despite the profusion of wizard-like automated knowledge devices in our world, the best tool for knowing stuff is still your good old handy brain. Whether it’s the details of your job, who is the right Presidential candidate, or how to breathe, no encyclopedia or “Wiki” can know things quite as efficiently as a properly working, well-waterproofed brain.
Head-Butting Someone. Okay this is technically the head, or skull, but still it is hard to imagine doing it without a brain.
Reminding You To Pee. Going about your busy day (which would itself be harder in a situation of brainlessness!), you may suddenly, out of nowhere, realize that unless you pee in the next five minutes you risk having great torrents of urine pour down your leg and pool under your desk. And possibly though the floor vent down into the place where Mr. Gullovitch who watches all the gauges in the basement of the office building lives with his cat. Who tells you this? Your brain. It’s a small miracle.
Picking Which Fanning Sister Is The Cutest. The shorter, always-smiley one? Or the taller, slightly scary one? Until they invent a reliable Cuteness Meter, only your brain can decide which you would rather have with you in an upper berth on a cross-country train trip.
Shopping. Nothing says the modern world quite like shopping. But how do we actually perform this complex and rewarding task? First, we must go to a place where there are things to buy. Then we have to look at the things on shelves and racks, listen to our partner ask what the hell do you want that for if you’ve already got one, and then choose to give strangers our money to let us take it home. Not to mention (see #1) remembering where we left the car, or how to push the Uber button. None of this would be possible without at least some kind of brain.
Fantasy. The role of fantasy is important in our lives. The need to dream ourselves into another space, to imagine a different future than the one sitting across from us tearing up a napkin and crying about how her day went at the dog shelter. Nowadays much of our fantasy is done for us by superhero movies and television, comic-cons, graphic novels, pop stars, “reality” TV, Idol contests, supermarket tabloids, advertising, branded clothing, celebrity biographies and glamor magazines. But hidden deep in some tiny corner of our lives, there is still a place for maybe a few seconds a day for the brain to imagine a better world that is actually possible.
Having Sex. The role of the brain in having sex is often downplayed. It’s thought that any idiot can do it. When you see and listen to some of the people who have sex, it’s not hard to see why people make this conclusion. But think. Without a brain, you would likely not find anywhere near the same grunt-producing satisfaction. And instead of inside your loving and sexy partner, you might put your penis in an olive press, or through the face hole in one of those funny “I’m A Pirate!” cutouts outside a theme park. Then let’s see how sexy the drive home is.
Colonizing Other Planets. 200 years ago we couldn’t even know what other planets were, let alone decide which one we wanted to be the new home for the desperate remnants of our doomed civilization. It is thanks to our brains alone that we can now calculate how to live a short but productive life inside a metal dome on a distant and inhospitable planet, after we’ve destroyed the 57.5 million square miles of this one.
So, in summary, think of all the useful things that your brain does before you downplay it. It may need a “time out” now and then, if you wake up without coffee creamer or if someone with a CoExist sticker cuts you off in traffic, but it’s still your body’s best caretaker, advisor and go-to masturbation facilitator.
