From within the tumult and chaos of a dysfunctional White House, a call goes forth—a plea for order, a demand for stability, a request for discipline. In answer to this call, a lone man steps forward.
He is no stranger to contention. He has risen through the ranks of America’s premier fighting force to a position of command, and respect, and authority. Summoned from his post as Secretary of Homeland Security, he responds to the order of the man many people are saying is President of the United States and is doing an amazing job, to assume the role of Chief of Staff, yes, to enter a lions’ den in an Oval Office where competing officials employ cunning, treachery, and betrayal as they vie for personal power, seek to curry the Chief Executive’s favor, and plan for a post-administration gig as a news show consultant.
Other men have tried to perform this task—tried to run a White House staff and manage its communications without crossing their wires, burning their sources, revealing their stupidity, or screwing their pooch. They have tried, and they have failed. This man, however, is undeterred.
He is John Kelly. He does not suffer fools. He knows the meaning of rigor. He knows the meaning of service. He knows the meaning of keeping your cool and executing the plan while all around you are paralyzed with fear, or frantic with uncertainty, or knifing each other in endless conduct of court intrigue, or just bitching and moaning like a bunch of drama queens.
John Kelly, you see, is a retired Four-Star General of the United States Marines, God damn it. This, then, is for him.
From the halls of West Wing offices
Down to Mar-a-Lago’s shores
There are rules for talking to the press
Rules that ev’ryone ignores
When the leaks come fast and furious
To tv and magazine
Then we need a man of discipline
A United States Marine
Now when Bannon plots within his cave
And Ivanka’s being sued
Jared can’t keep up with all his jobs
And Don Junior starts to brood
Gorka won’t give up his Nazi thing
Omarosa’s acting mean
Who does duty call to crack the whip
A United States Marine
(fife and drum corps solo; key change)
When the president’s unstable and
Wants to help our enemy
When his only goal is cashing in
On a vast kleptocracy
When he lies with ev’ry tweet he sends
From his solid gold latrine
Then with honor serve, protect him as
A Uni-
ted
States
Ma-
rine.
