What if he wins? Among the many other things we can anticipate—the Wall; Chris Christie with a new job; etc.—is surely a spate of new Federal holidays, conceived and promulgated by a President Trump determined to put his stamp on every aspect of our daily so-called life. Below, a list of possible future celebrations and commemorations.
JANUARY 23 – SEX DAY. A day celebrating sex, meaning, heterosexual sex, possibly but not necessarily with children. No one gets the day off, which would be very inconvenient for businesses, but everyone is encouraged to have straight sex. The day will climax (sic) with a televised address by the First Lady on how having sex with her husband constantly provides her with “the best sex I have.”
FEBRUARY 11 – TERMINATION (or “SACK”) DAY. In honor of the President’s former television show and well-known catch-phrase “You’re fired,” all employers are encouraged to fire at least one employee on this sure-to-be-dreaded holiday. No one, by definition, will take off work, although one person per business will, by definition, go home early.
MARCH 16 – REVENGE DAY. As even the President knows, Julius Caesar was killed by, really, a bunch of jealous losers, on March 15. This day-after commemoration will honor Caesar by promoting revenge, vendetta, vengeance, and pretty much every other English word with a “v” in it. Americans will be encouraged to wreak havoc upon those who have wronged them, and America as a nation will visit its wrath on other extremely corrupt nations who have, over the past year, treated us very unfairly.
APRIL 23 – DEAL DAY. A day for honoring, praising, and making deals. But not just any deals. Excellent deals, made by the greatest deal negotiators in the world. Carl Icahn will make a speech. Children, especially, will be encouraged to make really terrific deals with one another, and with their parents, who will be called upon to make fantastic deals with their kids.
MAY 1 – MAY DAY. A day honoring Russia and its powerful, really very effective leader, Vladimir Putin. Americans will drink vodka, eat borscht, and, in pageants, symbolically re-enact the annexation of Crimea while denying they are doing so. The President will kick off the celebration by throwing the first journalist into jail.
JUNE 22 – GOLF DAY. Just what it says: a day to honor and engage in golf. No one will be allowed to take off work, which would be terrible for businesses, but everyone will be encouraged to play golf either before or after the work day. The President will set the tone by playing golf all day, awarding himself unlimited Mulligans, taking unlimited drops without penalty, hitting again at water hazards without it counting, giving himself all putts within 20 feet, altering his score card until it suits him, and charging every American a nominal fee for saying the word “golf” during the hours between 6:00 am (EDT) and 9:00 pm (EDT).
JULY 2 – EL DIA DEL HOMBRE MALO (“BAD HOMBRE DAY”). A cross between Hallowe’en, the Day of the Dead, and Cinco de Mayo. All Americans—not just “our Mexicans”—celebrate how efficiently and cost-effectively the government built a wall to keep out unwanted immigrants, got Mexico to pay for it, and rounded up and deported eleven million people without violence, outrage, screaming, sobbing, or inconvenience to our fantastic businesses. Children will be encouraged to dress in whimsical costumes depicting “Bad Hombres” and, in the evening, to go from door to door in neighborhoods throughout the land, asking for candy and being told “Get out!”
AUGUST 10 – LAWSUIT DAY. A celebration of one our nation’s most cherished customs: suing (or threatening to sue) someone who makes you mad. The President will set the tone when, at 9:00 am (EDT), he will read, at a press conference in the Rose Garden, from a list of all the people he intends to sue on that very special day. They will include, not only his political enemies, but newspaper editorial boards, popular entertainers, and anyone else who has criticized or made fun of him the previous year. One popular custom of the day will be suing your own in-laws. Another will be repeating the famous line of Michael Cohen, an attorney for the Trump Organization, as Americans of every age and walk of life reply to each other, “Says who?” whenever anybody says anything about anything.
SEPTEMBER 19 – KISSING DAY. A tamer, more whimsical version of Sex Day, as American males of all ages will be encouraged to kiss any woman they want without asking (never mind getting) permission. Women who object to being kissed will be publicly shamed as being “not kissable.”The President will officially inaugurate the day by, at 9:00 am (EDT) he bestows a symbolic “first kiss” on the representatives of all 50 states from the Miss American pageant.
OCTOBER 29 – BEING RICH DAY. A holiday which, when you think about it, it’s amazing we haven’t had up until now. To be an American is to either be rich or to want to be rich. Therefore this new day will celebrate, honor, pay tribute to, and commemorate the state of having a lot of money. Parents will symbolically give their children a dollar each, and then take it back, repeating the traditional slogan, “Make your own money and no one, not even the government, will be able to take it from you.” The President will conduct the official celebration of Being Rich Day by ordering craftsmen to line the Oval Office in gold leaf.
NOVEMBER 2 – FAMILY DAY. A day in honor of families. The President will lead the celebration by openly cheating on his wife and filing for divorce. The First Lady, for her part, will publicly confer with her attorneys. The First Lady will symbolically demand custody of the First Child; the President will respond, “Sure, take him, who cares.” TV networks will join in the festivities by broadcasting The Parent Trap, Kramer Vs. Kramer, and Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
DECEMBER 3 – GREAT IDEA DAY. A fitting end to a fantastic year: a day in celebration of having great ideas to fix our nation’s problems. The President will personally order the Joint Chiefs of Staff to come up with a great idea for defeating ISIS. When a reporter asks him how he intends to replace Obamacare, he will utter the traditional reply, “We’re going to come up with something terrific.” Americans all across the nation will be encouraged to have great ideas and to send them to the White House. Those selected to be implemented will be honored by having the President inform them that he thought of them first.
Carissa Rogers
http://tinyurl.com/n82nz6c
