As we prepare to swear in our 45th President to the highest office in the land, you may well be wondering, how best should you celebrate this historic occasion? Here are some ideas to help you maintain your sanity should you succumb to your patriotic duty and watch the event:
- Actual swearing. After each utterance by the President-elect, shout things at the TV such as “Fuck you, you fucking fucker!” Other possible phrases to shriek: “I hope you die, ass face!” “Eat shit, dickhead!” Or, alternatively, try muttering the old standby “Lying motherfucker!” between each sentence he parrots back to the Chief Justice– who is not as big a dickhead, but who has his own issues worth screaming impotently at the TV screen over if there are enough pauses during the procedure and you still have enough breath left. But if terms like the above are a bit too coarse for you, it’s fun to add a little spin of originality to what could otherwise become a somewhat tawdry exercise, such as: “Why don’t you lick your own scrotum, you limp-noodled smegma farmer?” or “Go stick a dildo in your mouth sideways and run into an ever-narrowing mine shaft, Giant Fat Rodent-man.” Inaugurations only happen every four years, and the inaugurations of totally unqualified, emotionally-retarded cretins are even rarer than that, so let yourself go!
- Pouting. Sniveling, sulking and whining are excellent ways to get through the televised festivities. You didn’t vote for Trump, so you don’t care whether the whole stupid country just falls off the face of the fucking Earth or not. Those idiotic Red-Staters deserve what they’re about to get–and do you care? No! Just wait and see how much money you donate the next time a tornado sends their double-wide trailers flying like sneezed parsley flakes into the nearest copperhead-infested bayou. Um, let me think… how about… NOTHING! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! There. See how much better self-pitying petulance makes you feel?
- Duck noises. Professional duck calling devices can be purchased at most sporting goods stores. Or, if you prefer recreating a Donald Duck voice whenever the leader of the most powerful nation in the world opens his mouth, simply trap some air in one cheek and squeeze it through your pursed lips while muttering barely-coherent obscenities (see tip 1 above). With a little practice, you’ll be mocking our new President in a way that would surely remind him of the schoolyard bullyings he must’ve endured, given his first name and the fact that he was such an asshole. If a Donald Duck voice is a bit too challenging, try Daffy Duck instead. His lisping sputter is more easily imitated by the beginning President-mocker. Whatever cartoon duck you choose, mastering it will be time well spent, as you’ll be able to use it constantly to amuse your friends and distract yourself from impending global crises for the next four years.
- Sarcastic comments. Putting a moron in charge of nuclear weaponry is no time for elaborately-constructed witticisms and subtle satirical musings. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit—well, wait. Puns are the lowest form of wit. But to survive the lowest form of twit (see?), sarcasm is the mode of expression that best releases your pent-up tension and might actually be understood by any Republican within earshot. “Yeah, right.” “Oh, uh-huh, I’m sure he’s really gonna do that!” “Preserve, protect and defend the Constitution… Not!” These are examples of sarcasm that probably won’t make you feel better at all, now that I look at them. Fuck it. I’m not going to watch the goddamn thing. I don’t care anymore, I just don’t care. Or, to put it sarcastically, Yeah, I care a whole bunch.
- A hobby. These cold winter days – and the impending destruction of America as we’ve know her – are two good reasons to huddle inside with a cup of cocoa and engage in a fun, productive distraction. Scrapbooking, knitting and model-making are just a few wintery time-fillers that can help you resist the urge to turn on the TV come January 20th. Plus, scissors, large needles and Exacto knives make dandy suicide weapons if you give in and reach for the remote. Personally, I’m thinking of taking up whittling with a chain saw.
- Donations. Give money to the ACLU, Planned Parenthood and other progressive causes and/or find out who the promising Democratic candidates are in the upcoming Congressional, Gubernatorial, Senatorial or State Legislature races and work for them. Oh, wait, you wouldn’t want to do something constructive, would you? I’m almost certain that last bit was sarcastic.
- Self-medication. Recreational marijuana use is now legal in many states and will help you forget who’s is President, as well as whatever it is that you are worried about that you are worried about? And drinkling alcoholol is legal everywhetre… everuwhere… in a lot of plaxes. PLACES! Oh fuvk, I’ll just use spelkchevk when I’n done with this artickel. How do yoo open stypud spllcjexk anywat? Is it Formatr or Toools or Isnert or waht? Wha6? What?
