There are so many aspects of our society today that are not funny, it’s important that we all endeavor to not see the humor in them, or worse, be funny. As a veteran comedy writer, I consider myself something of an expert in being funny, and, sadly, not. So I have put together a brief guide to help you avoid being funny about things that are not funny.
Let’s start with a list of:
THINGS THAT ARE NOT FUNNY
- Terrorism
- Cancer
- Global Climate Change
- Racial Violence
- Sexual Assault
- Transgenderism
- Mental Disabilities
- The Middle East
- Child Abuse
- Substance Abuse
- Mistreated Animals
- Airplane Disasters
No doubt I’ve left out other things that are equally or almost as not funny too, and I apologize for not listing them, but I assure you that I didn’t not list them because I thought they were funny, because I’m certain they’re not.
Now here is a comprehensive, but partial, list of:
THINGS THAT ARE FUNNY
- Underpants
- Lettuce
- Hillbillies
- Any Cartoon Dog
- Jerry Lewis When He’s Trying to Be Serious
- Testicles (non-cancerous)
- Big Hair
- Moisture
- Those Sideways Hats That Old-Timey British Admirals Wore
- Most Fruit
- Ice Dancing
- New Shoes With Air-Cushions That Make Farty Noises When You Walk
There are, of course, many other things that are funny, but I didn’t want to list them all, for fear of making this seem like a frivolous article about being funny instead of a serious one about not being funny.
Now, when writing a “funny” essay or polishing a stand-up routine, we can see how easily one could inadvertently juxtapose something from List I with something from List II and, thus, horribly, create unwanted humor. For example, if someone were receiving a major award for their noble work with List I No. 7, but walked up to the podium to receive it while wearing List II No. 12, that would be funny, which would not be funny. Actually, if they were wearing List II No. 9 it would be even more unfunny or, if you prefer, unfunnier.
I myself recently made the mistake of trying to be funny by juxtaposing something from List I with something from List II. I’m not going to tell you which items because you might think it’s funny when, in fact, it was explained to me, by people who are experts in not being funny, that it was not. The important thing to remember is that whenever anything from List I is mentioned, you should never ever say, suggest, or in any way make reference to anything from List II. Or anything else that might be considered remotely funny. Like Donkey Kong. Well, granted: Donkey Kong is remotely funny, both because we haven’t played or referenced it in so long, and just because. But is that funny enough? No.
“But what else might be considered funny?” you may well be asking. That’s difficult to specify, but let’s just say by way of example: Huge Parade Balloons. They’re pretty funny, especially if you picture one being used to raise awareness of anything from List I. So don’t picture that. I’m sorry I did, but I only did it in order to dramatize what not to do in order to not be funny.
You may be coming to the conclusion that almost nothing or, indeed, anything, could be considered funny when mentioned in conjunction with something which is Not Funny. Unless we look at the concept known as the “non sequitur” – that is, randomly mentioning something which is unrelated to the topic at hand. Like, say: Needle-Nosed Pliers. Now Needle-Nosed Pliers aren’t especially funny, but if you suddenly said “Needle-nosed pliers!” during a silent prayer at a banquet for something on List I, people might think it was funny, even though it’s not. So don’t do that either. Because it’s not funny. Moreover, it actually isn’t funny.
Some of you may be thinking: “Gee, it’s funny how easily things that aren’t funny can be made to seem funny, even though they’re not. But that, as experts have shown, is not funny. So why is it that we continue to do things that are so very, very unfunny just because people laugh at them?”
It’s funny you should ask. Sigmund Freud, in “Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious,” posited that laughter is generated when the tension created by a serious subject is released in the safe confines of a theater or bathroom stall, and that wit is simply the trigger that releases that tension. Then again, Freud posited that we’re all obsessed with our penises and vaginas, and we all know how crazy that is, right? Funny, but crazy. Well, penises are funny. And non-cancerous testicles. I’m not sure about vaginas, to be honest. I myself have never openly laughed at a vagina, but then again, I’ve never openly laughed at anyone’s penis, so never mind.
Another trick to not being funny is to mention something that people think is funny but isn’t really. For example, clowns, or slipping on a banana peel. If I said: “A clown walked up to get a major award for his noble work with List I No. 10 and he slipped on a banana peel!” that wouldn’t be funny. Especially if I said it that way. But you probably shouldn’t say it any way anyway, just in case there should be humorless people nearby who actually think it really is funny, and therefore don’t find it “the least bit” funny.
Finally, if you should find yourself feeling funny, simply think about something that is not funny. Like Adolf Hitler. I think we can all agree that Hitler was not funny. Although Adolf is a funny name and he had a pretty funny haircut. Then again, another egomaniacal monster with fascistic impulses and a funny name and funny hair was recently elected to run a country and he’s not funny. So apparently funny hair isn’t funny after all. Let’s cross item 7 off of List II and replace it with “hackeysack.”
In conclusion, the great humorist Robert Benchley once said that analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: you may find out what makes it work, but you have to kill it in the process. So if I have left you with a dead frog, then I have accomplished my goal. Then again, the words “dead frog” could be interpreted as referring to List I No. 11 and, worse, could be considered by some to be funny. If so, I apologize and hope I haven’t amused you in any way.
