The Archetypes: Figures from ancient mythology who embody principles so eternal and universal that we honor and make use of them even today now, in our post-everything digital a-go-go society. But they are more than that, as are we. They serve to commemorate events of universal import, human qualities of global import-export, and religious symbolism whose meaning transcends just about everything.
And yet, as eternally unchanging as they are, they are constantly changing. Why? Because life changes, in case you hadn’t noticed. Hence, thus, we present The Archetypes for the modern world.
The Nine Stages Of Grief: Denial, Facebook, Pistachio Ice Cream, Unnecessary Cleaning, Anger, Bargaining, Parking Badly, Screaming At Baristas, Acceptance.
The Fourteen Muses: Erato, Polyhymnia, Cleo, Caffeinica, Thalia, Melpomene, PornTubula, Terpsichore, Urania, Nyquil, Calliope, Bingewatchia, Euterpe, Bacon.
The Five Horsemen Of The Apocalypse: Conquest, Death, War, Famine, Les Moonves.
The Anniversary Gifts
Anniv. Traditional Modern
1st paper Facebook “heart”
2nd cotton 3,000 Brazilian Twitter followers
5th wood unmangled iPhone cord
10th aluminum tatt removal
15th crystal threesome
20th china doxxing Zumba rival
50th gold armpit belt
The Ten Deadly Sins: Avarice, Envy, Adult Onset Comic Obsession, Lust, Sloth, Gluttony, Wrath, Oversalting, Pride, Bagpipes.
The Eight Graces: Aglaia (brightness), Thalia (good cheer), Euphrosyne (joyfulness), Uberlys (owning own car), Entree (menu decisiveness), Adiposity (< 40% body fat), Sanyte (only 1 crazy friend), Orphanee (dead mother).
The Seven Senses: Smell, Touch, Creepy Date Awareness, Hearing, Taste, Touch, Text Irony.
The Tenfold Path: right view, right aspiration, right emoji, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right office gift, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration, right stroller brand.
The Six Ages Of Man:
Golden Age: mankind lives harmoniously among gods.
Silver Age: men live “as children” for 100 years, but as adults regularly clash.
Bronze Age: men are tough, combative warriors.
Heroic Age: after much spirit deterioration, warrior-heroes and demigods arrive whose deeds will be sung for centuries.
Iron Age: age of desolation, destruction, pain. Humans fight often, care only for selves.
Link Age: warriors can’t find way from The Oracle to field of battle without Wayz.
The Five Furies: Alekto (endlessness), Megaera (jealous rage), Tisiphone (vengeful destruction), LowerLypio (sulking), Stryppio (public revenge-nudity).
