Older white men overwhelmingly provide the core of support for Donald Trump. Older white men also overwhelmingly provide the core of support for Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. Could there be a causal or reciprocal relation between these two seemingly independent facts? Might their one commonality — the desire for a big dickhead — indicate some deeper psychological nexus? That is, do the aging white men who voted for and continue to support Mr. Trump do so because he and his rhetoric sexually arouse them?
Obviously, yes. Still, to test this theory, SORB has conducted extensive research among Mr. Trump’s constituency. To that end, we invited three white male Republicans over the age of 45 to discuss the reasons they respond so positively to the President. What follows is a transcript of that discussion. Some of it has been edited for clarity.
SORB RESEARCHER: Thank you for participating in our survey. Let’s start by asking what about Mr. Trump most appeals to you.
FOCUS GROUP PARTICIPANT #1: I don’t know, there’s just something about that name. Trump! I just hear it and I get pumped, y’know? There’s a lump in my throat and my heart goes thump thump thump and I feel like I could–I don’t know–jump over a big hump. I hear “Trump” and I get goosebumps!
SORB: Interesting. It seems as though the very sound of the name itself conjures up some visceral, almost sexual feelings for you.
FGP #1: Why don’t you go take a dump? What a clump of crap!
SORB: It’s just that there seem to be a lot of words with a vaguely sexual connotation that sound a lot like “Trump.”
FGP #1: Jesus, ever since Trump was out on the stump, you liberals just kept pumping away at him! As soon as he’d get a bump in the polls? Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump! Pump… pump… pump.
FOCUS GROUP PARTICIPANT #2: Well, for me, his appeal is that he’s so tall. And big. I mean, not fat but, what’s the word…?
FGP #1: Plump?
FGP #2: Right. And I love the way he stands way, way up on those enormous podiums, so straight and upright, he’s just towering over everybody. Oh, and there’s something about his ties, so long and red – like they were full of blood. Like a vein. A vein running up the side of a big, tall, plump politician.
SORB: That’s very revealing.
FGP #2: Really? Like, on camera? Which speech was that? Is there video?
FOCUS GROUP PARTICIPANT #3: I don’t know what you guys are talking about. You make Donald sound like he’s really mean and tough and everything. I think there’s another side to him. A softer side. The way he puts his big ol’ elbows by his hips and kind of sashays a little and then wiggles his li’l fingers around when he talks. You feel like he’s eliminating affordable health care just to you. Or sometimes he gets all pouty and kinda purses his lips, like a little girl who’s been hurt by a poorly-negotiated Iranian nuclear treaty and just needs to be held.
SORB: So, it sounds like all of you gentlemen have a primal emotional attraction to President Trump.
FGP #1: What?! Go jump up your rump, you hump.
FGP #2: No, it’s not at all emotional. To me, it’s a reasoned, thoughtful analysis of his huge, powerful, enormously stiff economic sanctions.
FGP #3: So what if I am emotional? Are you saying a man can’t be emotional? Fine. I’ll just sit here then. Excuse me! What a terrible person I am for wanting to give myself body and soul to my country when he needs me! I mean, she. It. America.
SORB: Next question: How did you feel about the Access Hollywood clip of Mr. Trump admitting he “grabs women by the pussy”?
FGP #3: Oh, so Donny can’t enjoy playing with some ladies’ kitty-cat? Un-be-lieve-able!
FGP #1: He didn’t mean cats, you pussy. He meant pussy.
FGP #2: For me that was just another example of his straight talk. Guy asked him a question and he gave it to him straight. Straight and hard. Hard as a rock. A real man isn’t some P.C. namby-pamby wimp. He tells it like it is, with raw, powerful, brutal honesty: women like it when we grab ‘em by their, y’know… things. Lady business. Vajayjays.
FGP #3: So now men can’t have birds either?
FGP #1: Jesus, dude! We’re not talking about animals, we’re talking about beaver! Clams! Panty hamsters!
FGP #3: I’m sorry… what?
FGP #1: Bush!
FGP #3: He’s running again?
FGP #2: I never liked him that much. He’s not very tall.
SORB: Did it bother any of you that President Trump made disparaging comments about the FBI Director to Russian government operatives whom he invited into the Oval Office?
FGP #3: Oh, now I get it! Vagina!
SORB: Excuse me?
FGP #3: Oval Orifice! That is sooo naughty!
FGP #1: That’s not what he was talking about, dummy… was it? Oh, wait, okay, Oval Orifice. Because a pussy is oval. Sort of. Right? And an orifice is… something dirty. I got it too.
SORB: No… never mind. So it doesn’t bother you that the President of the United States appears to have such a collusive relationship with Russians?
FGP #2: Not me. He was taller than them.
FGP #1: That’s what “covfefe” meant too, I bet. Pussy? Oh yeah, gettin’ some covfefe! Love it.
SORB: What about the fact that Mr. Trump seems to be sympathetic to white supremacists?
FGP #2: What, just because someone is white they can’t stand tall? Tall and white and proud and wet. With sweat, I mean. From working hard. Very very hard. Trump was just standing up for white men, who are forced to watch their big, huge, gleaming, Confederate statues made of strong, solid steel or bronze or marble topple over. They’re still hard, sure, but they’re lying on their side, and what good does that do you?
FGP #1: Yeah, white men have historically always been on top. But now we’re on the bottom. With all this economic pressure on top of us, holding us down, while the government reaches way down deep into our pants and grabs our wallet and pulls it out. Then they yank down our purchasing power and… Jesus, taxes hurt! Money is so tight!
FGP #3: Um… I’m white. I could be on the bottom too. I’m just saying.
SORB: Speaking of the economy, does it bother any of you that Mr. Trump’s populist campaign message has been supplanted by traditional Republican policies that cut taxes for the rich and services for everyone else?
FGP #1: No! Trump just wants to jump-start the economy during the slump until we can get over this hump. So he’s just pumping all that rich guy money back into the economy. Pumping and pumping and pumping and pumping and pumping and pumping–
SORB: Yes, but–
FGP #1: I’m not finished yet. Pumping and pumping it harder and harder and harder!
FGP #2: Really really hard.
FGP #3: Where’s the restroom?
SORB: But would you men be willing to raise your taxes to pay for his border wall?
FGP #2: Well, sure. It’s gonna be really tall and long and made of rock-hard cement. Or concrete. Aren’t they the same thing? Really hard?
FGP #1: And then no Mexican rapists will be able to get in, so we’ll be safe. Our women will, I mean. It’s not like I’m scared of big brown men grabbing me by the covfefe.
FGP #2: Just say it straight, man. If you mean hoo-hoo, say hoo-hoo.
FGP #3: You have an owl?
FGP #1: Shut up.
SORB: Well, we want to thank you for participating in this research project. Your, um, input has been most illuminating. You’re all excused now.
FGP #1: Actually, I’m just going to sit here for a minute.
FGP #2: Me too—oh, wait, I guess it’s fine now.
FGP #3: Um… does anybody want to go get a coffee? I know this cute little place.
FGP #1 and #2: Okay.
Michael Vadon
http://tinyurl.com/n82nz6c
