Our previous attempt to provide new National Anthems for the United States of America was met with silence from literally dozens of readers. To us this suggests an interval of contemplation and sensible caution. One does not change one’s national anthem lightly and, if one does, one must be prepared to move to another country if everybody hates it.
Even though no one has opposed, supported, or even acknowledged all the hard work that went into writing those lines, we remain hopeful that at least some of them will be put to new and suitable musical accompaniment and proclaimed America’s new national song. Or maybe all of them, in a sort of song cycle or “anthem suite” or “concept album.”
We acknowledge, however, that the process of replacing “The Star Spangled Banner” as our official theme might take years. It might, for all we know, require a bill to that effect be passed by Congress. If so, then it is doomed. Congress, as we have all had to admit, is where bills, and democracy, go to die. And even if Congress were to somehow act on the matter, the proposal would still (we think) have to be approved by two-thirds of the fifty state legislatures, be judged “acceptable” by the Justice League of America, and receive the seal of approval of the American Dental Association.
As an interim measure, therefore, we have decided to meet the nation halfway—to change the words but keep the tune. We have therefore composed a new set of lyrics, to be set to the melody of our current national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Francis Scott Key’s original poem, it will be recalled, asked a series of questions set in a context of martial conflict, “bombs,” “ramparts,” and uncertainty. This new composition reflects a different and, we think, more appropriate theme.
America is a land of consumers. If Bedouins are the people of the desert, and Inuits are people of the north, then we are people of the shopping. Any national song that presumes to speak for and to inspire Americans, therefore, should embody this timeless, or at least this one-time-only, value.
We have, to this end, composed a national anthem in which our trademark freedom and liberty are not merely praised, but are promoted, as one would promote a new car or appliance. Sing it to the usual, familiar melody heard at every baseball and football and basketball game, at every Olympic gold medal ceremony, and wherever American national anthems are sung. Also, in commercials.
U.S.A. Freedom and Liberty
Oh save!
You can see
By the Early Bird signs
What is proudly on sale
From the twilight’s last gleaming
In our store and online
Through this marvelous night
Or the rain checks we watch
Guys and gals plan redeeming
And the rock-bottom price
The big bargains are nice
Show proof of purchase
Is our refund advice
Oh save on
USA custom
Freedom™ and Liberty™
It’s our Once-a-Year-ly sale
So buy one, get one
Free.
