- Learn to make Coq au Vin – It’s French for “penis in a truck,” and is a dish so classic it’s gone from au courant to passé to hot.
- Run a Four-Minute Mile – Roger Bannister did it in 1954. He’s 85 today. What’s your excuse?
- Climb K-2 – Forget Everest—it’s mobbed, despoiled, over. Dead bodies, human waste, oxygen bottles. Tip: Bring extra socks.
- Memorize Icelandic poetry – Iceland is back—think Bjork plus Gilgamesh. Go online for pronunciation help.
- Chop down a tree – Any tree. But keep it “analog”–use an ax. Chainsaws are out, blisters are in.
- Take up Schuss-Trekking – This uber-workout is a Swiss cross-training technique developed by the world-famous Swiss Army and Navy. HOW TO DO IT: Put on 22.67 kg (50 lb) backpack, go to Switzerland, run up and down a mountain in snow shoes. Pros: Cardio enhancement, breathtaking views. Cons: Frostbite, fatigue, avalanches.
- Make your first million – Ask your social network contacts what they want and don’t have. Then invent a profitable way to produce and distribute it. Examples: Self-walking dogs; polarized socks that automatically find their mates; pizza boxes that turn into napkins or whatever. Be creative and use your imagination.
- Say these FIVE THINGS EVERY MAN SHOULD SAY TO EVERY WOMAN
“You smell good, or at least better than me.” (Note: Grammatically it should be “…better than I.” But every woman doesn’t like a show-off, so play it colloquial.)
“Let’s get married someday, unless we’re already married.”
“How can I help you have more orgasms?”
“May I give you a back and/or foot rub? and, if not, that’s okay.”
“Please eat more. You’re losing too much weight.”
- Commit to the three-month Ultimate Fighting Maniac Workout/Build-up/Bulk-In Routine and get ripped abs, dynamite pecs, killer glutes, homicidal lats, clinically insane obliques, sociopathic delts.
- Write an opera about Muhammad Ali. Yes, it will just be one among many, since every man will be writing one. So what!
- Build a 2013 Harley-Davidson Heritage Softail by hand and ride it to these FOUR PLACES EVERY MAN SHOULD GO TO IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS:
Buenos Aires, Argentina — Come for the steaks, stay for the tangos
Sydney, Australia – Come for the steaks, stay for the kangaroos
Beijing, China – Come for the Chinese-style steaks, stay for the whole “modern China” thing
Nome, Alaska – Why? Because you don’t want to.
- Jump out of the International Space Station with a Go-Pro and film your own face as you plummet into the Indian Ocean.
- Write a novel that captures in its entirety this whole glorious, diverse, contradictory, madcap, kooky nation.
- Pause for five minutes to appreciate a sunset, a child’s smile, the ebullience of a puppy, or some kind of bird.
- Take a nap. You’ve earned it.
