To the Editor:
You put your cliched recipe for Hawaiian tuna in
You put your cliched recipe for Hawaiian tuna out
You put your cliched recipe for Hawaiian tuna in
And you shake it all about
You do the hokey poke and you turn yourself around
That’s what it’s all about.
Yours truly,
Rumer Rimer
Sherman Oaks, CA
To the Editor:
I cannot adequately express how offended I am by the letter you have just published. To make fun—if, indeed, fun can be said to have been made—of a venerable island tuna dish which, we are permitted to imagine, may have been consumed by Captain James Cook himself, presumably prior to his death, (he was “killed by Hawaiians” in Kealakakua Bay, HI), is surely the last straw. Although, admittedly, there are other straws. But it is surely one of the latter straws, at the very least. Kindly cancel my subscription. Although it occurs to me that I do not have a subscription. Therefore, please find, attached, a check for $24.95 for a one-year subscription and, after duly processing it, kindly cancel it.
Yours even more truly,
Jonathan Indignant
Member, Indig Nation
To the Editor:
Belief is defied by the fact that a letter reading “if, indeed, fun can be said to have been had” has been published by you. All of my life has been spent by me promoting the use of the passive voice. Articles have been written by me. Petitions have been circulated. And, indeed, some success can be claimed by me at having certain commercials having been convinced to use the passive voice to create a tone of historical importance, e.g., “Empires will rise. A new hero will emerge. His courage will be tested,” etc.
So let you be the first to be thanked by me for your contribution to this cause. As token of my gratitude, it will be found by you a re-writing, below, of the original song lyrics with which this thread began.
Your cliched recipe for Hawaiian tuna is put in by you
Your cliched recipe for Hawaiian tuna is put out by you
Your cliched recipe for Hawaiian tuna is put in by you
And it is shaken all about by you
The hokey poke is done by you and yourself is turned around
That’s what it’s all about.
Sincerely,
Dora Jarre
A Hundred Million Billion Palms, CA
To the Editor:
How come there’s Jews for Jesus but there’s no Christians for Kali, or Jains for Jehovah, or Buddhists for Baphomet? How come there’s no Zoroastrians for Zeus or Mormons for Mohammed? I’ll tell you why. Because it’s not fair. Everything is bullshit, man.
Disillusionedly Yours,
Reinhold Neighbor
Ohei, Wahoo-Hooha, HI
To the Editor:
I am the individual responsible for naming the military operations and missions in which our armed forces take part. “Operation Desert Storm”? That was me. (Originally it was to be called “Operation Dessert Storm,” but the powers-that-be decided, for some reason, that such a name suggested more an onslaught of cherry cobblers or pineapple flan, than a serious military exploit in a hostile arid land.)
It will be of interest to your readers to learn that I have recently been ordered to amend my method of composition. Owing to the increasingly-obvious verbal deficiencies in our Commander-in-Chief–his deteriorating vocabulary, his declining grammatical sophistication–I have been tasked with making the names simpler.
I will, of course, adhere to the standard construction of adjective-noun (“Operation Iraqi Freedom,” “Operation New Dawn,” “Operation Neptune Spear”) or verb-noun (“Operation Provide Comfort”). But the terminology used will be of a simpler, less metaphorical, more colloquial kind, as befits a U.S. President known for his plain-speaking and lack of elitist condescension.
My preliminary efforts have, I think, born fruit. I have submitted the following list of potential names to the Pentagon:
Operation Big Thing
Operation Loud Punch
Operation Give Pain
Operation Hit Somebody
Operation Smack Them
Operation Win Battle
Operation Be Hero(es)
Operation Beat Up Bad Guys
Operation Attack Bad (People)
Several additional names are currently in development. Readers interested in contributing suggestions for names are invited to keep them to themselves. This is my job.
Creatively Yours,
Col. Mustard Clue
2258 Harm’s Way
Fort Braggart, GA
Rowell Dionicio
http://tinyurl.com/p7mmo9f
