The Unpretentious Chef
by Claudia Timsdale
Hearth & Closet Press, 36 pp. or 5¾ hour Audio Book
What everyday cook wants recipes that require specific, esoteric ingredients and feature precise, detailed instructions that only a Cordon Bleu-trained chef could master? Why can’t a cookbook just tell you how to make dishes in the casual vernacular common to the average American kitchen? That’s why Claudia Timsdale has written The Unpretentious Chef, a handy guide by and for the typically-harried home cook in language we can all understand. Here’s an example of one of Claudia’s favorite recipes:
CHICKEN WHATEVER
Ingredients
1 whole chicken
1 brown or white onion. Or red. No, brown. Or white.
1 cup of you know. Flour.
Salt
Pepper
A bunch of the stuff I just bought. No, not that, the other stuff.
Butter. A lot of it.
1 cup of white or red wine or something else. Forget the measuring cup, just bring the whole bottle.
1 tsp. of that spice that everybody likes. The brown one. That everybody likes.
Instructions
- Brine the chicken by placing it in a large bowl of water with some of that over there in it. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Salt. Place the chicken in the refrigerator for a while.
- Later, take out the chicken and gently pat it dry with one of those things by the thing.
- Loosen the chicken’s skin and slide the pats of butter under the breast side. Not a lump, a pat. I said pats. Well, I meant pats and you know it. Pre-heat the oven to whatever I said.
- Open the wine. What are you drinking it for? Okay, but pour me some, too. But not all of it, we’re going to need a cup of it to put in the whatever. Half a cup anyway. Maybe less.
- Quarter the onion and stuff it into the chicken’s cavity. Why is there gunk in it? You knew you were supposed to take out the glop and blech before you stuffed anything it. Yes, you did.
2a. Take out the whatever-they’re-called – giblets – and anything else that’s red and yucky and throw them away. Nobody ever uses them. Well, now you know. Rinse out the chicken thoroughly.
- Go back and redo steps 3 – 5 and stop bitching about it.
- Sprinkle the chicken with sea salt and coarse ground pepper and a pinch of the spice that smells like that stuff that smells so good. A pinch, not a fucking handful! No, that’s a dash. That’s not nearly enough. Add another pinch. And another one. And another one. Oh, just dump it all in. No, not all of it!
- Place the chicken in a large-ish cooking thing with the breast side up.
- When the oven is heated to whatever I told you before, place the thing with the thing in it in it and set the timer for, I don’t know, an hour, I guess. Or more. But not a lot more. What am I, Einstein? Just set the fucking timer.
- While the chicken is cooking, dice the rest of the onion and sauté it in olive oil or butter or olive oil. You did what? The whole goddamn onion’s in the chicken? Jesus, now what are we gonna use for the stuff? Okay, never mind. It’s not like the world’s gonna come to an end if we don’t have gravy. Oh, now you want gravy. Why didn’t you say so when I asked you before? Yes, I did.
- Drink the rest of the wine, saving a tablespoon for the stuff. Or a teaspoon.
- Let the chicken cook until it’s done. You will be able to tell it’s done because it looks done. That’s because it’s done.
- Take it out for Christ’s sake!
- Put the flour back. I don’t know why you got it out in the first place.
- Carve the chicken and serve with roasted garlic potatoes. What do you mean you didn’t start the potatoes? Hurry, get out the potatoes. What do you mean we don’t have any potatoes?
- Go to the store and get potatoes. The kind that are brown but not really really brown. Just browner than the kind that aren’t. And garlic. And the other thing I forgot. And more wine.
- Go ahead and serve the chicken before it’s burnt like a… big… burnt… chicken. Garnish with the stuff I bought, finely chopped. Or if you didn’t do it already, not finely chopped. Or at all. What are you standing there with the potatoes for? It’s too late to start them now. The chicken is not cold, it’s room temperature. Lots of chicken is served at room temperature. Remember, we had it that way that time we went to the restaurant downtown or wherever with that guy and the other guy. The one in the place by the big huge thing!
The Unpretentious Chef is filled recipes like this – from everyone’s favorite Coq Au Ne Sais Pas to that old standby, Gray Meat In Brown Sauce – all of them guaranteed to remind you of those family dinner-times from your childhood, with Mom’s improvised dishes whipped up in her crowded kitchen filled with laughter, tears and stonily bitter silences.
