It’s almost summer — and that means one thing: that there are two things you can count on.
- “Hollywood’s” most lavish offerings of blockbuster sequel/franchise/based-on-a-video-game movies. We can look forward to another Ghostbusters, this time—you won’t believe this—starring women. Another Now You See Me, because one wasn’t enough, and magic in a movie is always so credible and amazing. And a sequel to what was quite possibly the stupidest movie ever to star the not-stupid Jeff Goldblum, Independence Day. Plus ten computer animated movies about wisecracking animals every week until Labor Day.
- Big Pharma’s summertime release of exciting new drugs
Forget movie scripts. All over the country, medical professionals are getting out their prescription pads and to write pharmaceutical “scripts” for these upcoming miracle cures.
Below, organized by the month of their impending release, are just a few of the exciting new meds we’ll be asking our doctors about their rightness for us. Note, in each case, the “Off-Label Uses,” which is a term of art for “reasons people take them other than the ones for which they’re actually safe, basically.” Pour a glass of water, pop a pill, settle back on your hammock or beach blanket, and enjoy!
JUNE
COMMERCIAL NAME: Loquaciquel
CHEMICAL NAME: Blabamalamatab
MANUFACTURER: Lilly
INDICATIONS: Excessive talking, running off at the mouth, “the yaks,” “big mouth”
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Dry mouth, nausea, blurred vision, hair loss, incontinence, distemper, uncontrolled comic otic tremor (Ear Wiggle Syndrome)
OFF-LABEL USES: “Study aid,” acne, boredom.
COMMERCIAL NAME: Faloomba
CHEMICAL NAME: Aoxomoxoa
MANUFACTURER: GlaxoSmithKline
INDICATIONS: Rheumatoid detritus, “Widow’s Elbow,” glottal stoppage
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Dizziness, loss of appetite, loss of consortium, loss of condominium, loss of prasaeodymium, overheating of the brain pan
OFF-LABEL USES: Thrills, “kicks,” psychedelic euphoria
COMMERCIAL NAME: Liftauff
CHEMICAL NAME: Flibbertigib
MANUFACTURER: Novartis
INDICATIONS: Depression, dysphoria, normal unhappiness, big band mood swing, winters of discontent, crankiness, steamed crabbiness
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Hysteria, hyper-activity, anti-management agitation, unwarranted remonstration, fits and starts, dribs and drabs, taxation without representation
OFF-LABEL USES: “Clubbing,” “pounding,” “mauling,” “beating senseless”
JULY
COMMERCIAL NAME: Bonera
CHEMICAL NAME: Punxatawnafil
MANUFACTURER: Pfizer
INDICATIONS: Erectile dysfunction, penile discombobulation, “whisky dick,” intra-Johnsonal insufficiency, cockular
disfunctionality
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Peeling, chafing, blanching, sauteeing, pureeing, chopping, mincing, trimming, shoving
OFF-LABEL USES: As an emolument; as a surfactant; as an antecedent; as a dissident
COMMERCIAL NAME: Vivyanvanse
CHEMICAL NAME: Ethelmerz
MANUFACTURER: Roche
INDICATIONS: Harebrain scheme, nosey neighbor, cock-eye, wacky misadventure, gossip-monger
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Hysteria, panic, confusion, guilt, fear, terror, hijinx
OFF-LABEL USES: “Morning after” contraception, “just-in-time” misconception, knee-jerk contradiction
AUGUST
COMMERCIAL NAME: Iltaiqmanhattan
CHEMICAL NAME: Atorvastatiniyland-2
MANUFACTURER: Nono-Novo Nordisk-Nannette
INDICATIONS: Bad cholesterol, naughty triglicerides, inappropriate platelets, misbehaving blood sugar
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Swelling of the glands, passing of the torch, dancing of the nymph lodes, silence of the lambs, heat of the moment, running of the bulls
OFF-LABEL USES: When injected hypodermically, smoothing of the skin, ironing of the wrinkles, pressing of the suits, starching of the lapels
COMMERCIAL NAME: Windosil
CHEMICAL NAME: Enshuldigmir
MANUFACTURER: AstraZenica
INDICATIONS: Incipient osteoperitis, insistent insert parenthesis, indigent parthenogenesis
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Depression, nausea, trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep, trouble getting back to sleep, trouble awakening from sleep, suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, trouble being deceased, trouble staying deceased
OFF-LABEL USES: When pulverized, ice cream topping
COMMERCIAL NAME: Xorbitan
CHEMICAL NAME: Captivmarketal
MANUFACTURER: Merck and Co.
INDICATIONS: Hip dysplasia, square dysplasia, dyspnrrhnnic vowel deficiency, chronic obstructive congress disease, idiotic dumbbellitis, landocalrissian character syndrome, nora-ephronitis, slide thrombosis, mythic sisyphus
POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS: Uninsurability, unaffordability, financial compromise, medical bankruptcy
OFF-LABEL USES: Bargain panacea in third-world countries
There will be more, of course. But these are enough to get us all started.
