[Excerpted from Speak the American English Splendidly in Our Wonderful New Age, by Pierre-Paul Amande-Joie; Livres Hache; 2017]
AT THE SALON
HAIRDRESSER: What is wrong, my dear? You look out-of-sorts.
BILLIONAIRE’S WIFE: I am pregnant, and do not wish to give birth.
H: How vexing! Abortion is now illegal, alas.
BW: It is no matter. I will obtain one in Gstaad when we go there to ski!
AT THE ICE CREAM SHOPPE
YOUNG CHILD: Look outside, Mother. Do you see that bus?
MOTHER: Yes, darling, I see it.
YC: It is of a strange color. Who are those people inside?
M: Those are Muslims, my child.
YC: Are they going to school?
M: No, they are going to the new camp for Muslims. They will remain there until we can find out what is going on.
YC: What is going on, Mother?
M: It may be that we will never know.
YC: Will they swim and canoe and play sports in the camp?
M: No. Now eat your ice cream and on Sunday we will go to church.
AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE
REPORTER: A study has shown that nine thousand people who did not have health insurance died last year. Is that not bad?
PRESS SECRETARY: Everyone dies. All persons know this fact.
R: But everyone wants to live as long as they can. This cannot be disputed!
PS: The President believes those people are still alive.
R: What is the reason he has for believing this?
PS: Many people have told him so.
R: Ha ha! That is absurd.
PS: You must leave the press conference.
R: That cannot be true.
PS: It is true. You are under arrest for being a bad reporter. Look! Here is a security guard with a gun. Good-bye.
AT THE NATIONAL PARK
PARK RANGER: Do you see that large hole? Is it not magnificent?
TOURIST: It is very large indeed. But it does not resemble other similar holes. What are those machines in its vicinity?
PR: Those are devices for finding and removing bauxite.
T: What is bauxite?
PR: Bauxite is an important ingredient for making aluminum.
T: Ah. That is excellent. What does that sign say?
PR: That sign says, “This is a dangerous area. There will be explosions.”
T: What is the sign made of?
PR: It is made of aluminum.
T: Listen! Was that an explosion?
PR: Yes, it was.
T: It was very loud.
IN THE OVAL OFFICE
MISTER HANNITY: May I suck your dick, Mister President?
THE PRESIDENT: Yes, you may. But this does not mean I am a homosexual. I am not, as every person knows.
MH: It does not mean I am a homosexual either, naturally.
TP: That is so. Do you not think my dick is very large?
MH: It is inordinately large, as I was about to remark.
TP: Do you not think it is the largest dick of any President in our history? I am sorry, I could not understand your reply because my dick was in your mouth.
MH: I said, I do!
TP: That is a fine answer. You may have this piece of candy.
Kelly Michals
http://tinyurl.com/oall5zn
