Captain CPA: ★★★
Had his own vehicle, which was clean and in which we did the post-rescue paperwork. Pleasant, polite, but a bit spectrum-y. Actuary Lad was nice and answered all my questions about the portion of my rescue that will have to be declared for tax purposes. Would probably use him/them again in this fiscal year if no one else was available but Actuary said don’t even think about it until early March.
The Cruze: ★★
I used Siri for “nearest superhero” and got this guy, who, I’m thinking, you know, single-word name, the Flash, the Torch? Turns out he’s a sponsored ad for a Chevy compact. But rescue was okay (crazy dog on jogging route) and he drove me home. Apparently the only superhero with a solid torsion beam axle in the rear, avoiding the cost and complexity needed for a modern multi-link independent rear suspension.
Professor Hideous. ★★
Name doesn’t begin to do him justice. He is an effective but almost sickeningly unsightly individual. Showed up with grappling equipment and hot cocoa, thinking I was dangling from an icy bridge, though I clearly explained to the dispatcher that I’d just forgotten my bike lock combo. Sensed this is the sort of thing they do to him, whoever sends him out. Felt sorry for him. Might use him again but umm, probably not.
Periodontal Man: ★★★
Elderly (75?) but still managed to repel a thug wrestling for my purse, though I suspect what scared him off was the sound of P-Man’s trademark dental drill. Examined me thoroughly for physical damage, paying disproportionate attention to my teeth and gums, asking me “who did this work, Foster Brooks?” which I still don’t get. Showed me a photo of his “place” on a lake somewhere which he said was too big for him now, then got really wistful.
Unstoppable Flying Brenda: ★★★★
I was crying on a subway platform at one a.m. when Unstoppable Flying Brenda came out of nowhere, flew down the track and pulled back the last train, which I’d just missed. Didn’t endear herself to the other passengers, some of whom were badly shaken up, and one of them lost a Congratulations On Your Promotion cake. If I miss another train, a different one, with different passengers, I’d use her again in a heartbeat. Not crazy about the surge pricing.
Superman: ★★★★★
Quick, friendly, super (duh!) nice. What else can I say? The gold standard of rescuing. Did that dusting-his-hands-afterwards thing, which I love. Offered to twist a gun barrel in half for me but I only had my umbrella. My only quibble: hard to get at peak crime hours.
The One And Only Master Of All Masters: ★★
Rescue was fine I guess. Did a one-week follow-up, which at first I thought was nice, but then kept bugging me to follow him on social media. Also, he was a bit pissy when I called him “TOOMAM,” though that’s what it said on his vest/jumper. Asked me if I thought he should add the words All Time Best to his name, which, at first I thought he was kidding, then he laughed too, but not really.
The Juggler: ★★
Capable rescue (clinging to cliff’s edge after brutal mugging) but I’m not sure what the whole juggling schtick adds. The Juggler used my shoe, my (broken) glasses, and a bowling pin which he provided himself. My attacker, the guy who pushed me off the cliff, ran away, but then came back to watch some of the juggling, and tipped him five dollars from my purse.
Melkronax! ★★
Melkronax! was quick to respond to my cry for help and knowledgeable about getting my car re-started when my battery died in a bad part of town. I’d called the Auto Club but he got there ahead of them. When they pulled up he said, “Uh-oh, here comes Johnny Law,” and there was kind of a dust-up over jurisdiction. I had the feeling this had happened to them before. Gave me a sticker for my car and a wallet card that he stamps so after four rescues your fifth is free. Asked him about the name and he just laughed with his hands on his hips. Guess he thinks that’s what (super?) heroes do, or something.
Cat Woman. ★
I was honestly expecting more like the traditional Catwoman, not a woman with 26 cats, which travel with her in her motor home and which range from rescue-indifferent to interfering. Told me my rescue had interrupted her watching Making a Murderer, which is a streaming show so what the hell? Asked if she could have the magazine I was reading when I finished with it. Her last words: “I’m not impressed with you either, dearie!” Nice.
The Pangolin. ★
There is no police left in my Michigan home town of 4,200 so frankly I will take any rescuer I can get, but damn has it come to this? My daddy fought and died for this country and I get the fricking Pangolin? From the name on my Res-Q app I expected some sort of Asian martial arts dude, but this guy shows up, looks like an out-of-work bowling alley attendant, with a homemade costume like a cross between an armadillo and a pinecone. He doesn’t even talk, just makes a mewling sound and swishes his scale-things. No weapon, no fangs, no poison spray. The bullies knocked him silly, I mean, they really fucked him up. I had to drive him to Urgent Care and he got snot on my armrest. This country, shit.
