Thomas Jefferson was an American Founding Father who was the principal author of the Declaration of Independence and later served as the third President of the United States from 1801 to 1809. Previously, he was elected the second Vice President of the United States, serving under John Adams from 1797 to 1801. A proponent of democracy, republicanism, and individual rights motivating American colonists to break from Great Britain and form a new nation, he produced formative documents and decisions at both the state and national level. He was a land owner and farmer. (Wikipedia) We, the Sherman Oaks Review of Books, sat down with him in our Sherman Oaks Review of Books offices in Sherman Oaks.
SHERMAN OAKS REVIEW: Welcome.
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Thank you.
S: So you’re how old now? Like a million?
TJ: Two-hundred seventy-four.
S: Wow. Dude.
TJ: I know, right?
S: So you’ve seen a lot of stuff.
TJ: Tons. Tons of stuff.
S: Okay, so, like, what do you think about now? Like our whole modern world of today?
TJ: It’s crazy.
S: Okay, but is it crazier than in olden times?
TJ: Oh yeah. Big time. Back then, in olden times, everything was agrarian, okay? Everybody lived on these little farms. Philadelphia had like sixteen people in it. And there was no communication, so people couldn’t freak each other out with fomenting stuff. I mean they could, but you had to leave the house, and like, congregate.
S: Whereas today things are totally nuts.
TJ: Right. Because there’s all this technology. Social networking, right, I sneeze in Virginia and you say Gezundheit in Boston. Plus globalization. So everything is everywhere.
S: Also transportation. People can go all over the place in like a day, tops.
TJ: Yeah. I mean I’m old enough to remember when, like if you wanted to go from Richmond to Roanoke, everybody was, like, “Well, you should have left last week if you want to get there tomorrow, so forget it.”
S: Wow. When you go to the airport, you must be, like, “I don’t believe this.”
TJ: There’s a million things I don’t believe. You know what freaks me out?
S: Computers? No, wait. GPS? Cell phones?
TJ: Velcro. Man, we could have used that back in the day. Who thinks of these things?
S: I know, right? I used to want to do that. Be one of those people-who-think-of-things-type guys. But I never thought of anything, so I was like, Whatever.
TJ: You either can do it or you can’t. It’s stupid to feel bad about it. When I was a kid I wanted to be a great clogger, right? But I just didn’t have that skill at clogging. You can clog all you want but in the end it’s a talent thing.
S: That’s true. So, meanwhile, what do you think of culture?
TJ: Oh man, don’t even ask me. I’m way behind. I just caught up with Better Call Saul and I’m like a whole season behind on Billions, okay?
S: That’s cool. Damien Lewis is a Brit, you know.
TJ: Shut up.
S: Seriously.
TJ: Man—
S: There’s lots of Brit actors who can sound like Americans. What’s his name—Hugh Laurie. Minnie Driver. Christian Bale. Meanwhile, we’re all used to people being named “Christian,” but it’s kind of weird, when you think about it.
TJ: Hey yeah. There’s a million Christians, but there’s no, like, Lutherans or Methodists. “Pleased to meet you, I’m Presbyterian Smith.”
S: I mean, who looks at a baby and thinks, “I’m going to name this baby after a follower of my religion”? You don’t ever meet people named Jew, right? Or Buddhist?
TJ: Names are weird. I mean, Cotton Mather? Increase Mather? Come on. Plus you realize that one of the guys who signed the Declaration of Independence was named Button, right? Button Gwinnett.
S: Get outa town.
TJ: Google it.
S: Wow.
TJ: Right? “Look, honey, it’s a boy! What’ll we name him?” “I know, dear—let’s name him Christian.” “Nah. That’s too weird. Let’s name him Button.”
S: Uh-huh. “Alice, I love you.” “Why Button, honey, what are you saying?” “I’m saying I want to make you Missus Button Gwinnett.”
TJ: Really. Meanwhile, if we had had Velcro back then, we wouldn’t have needed buttons. Dude’s name would have been Velcro Gwinnett.
S: Velcra for a girl.
TJ: Perfect.
S: So what are you going to do now? What’s on the horizon for Thomas Jefferson?
TJ: Not sure. Hang out. Do some consulting. Get back into the violin. Maybe do a podcast about the course of human events.
S: Sounds good, man. Although wait.
TJ: What?
S: We haven’t talked about…you know. The crisis. Everything that’s going on today.
TJ: What, you mean Trump?
S: Yeah. And his, like, regime and stuff.
TJ: He’s a putz.
S: I know, but, like, what do we do?
TJ: Push him.
S: Huh?
TJ: Provoke him. It’s like we did with King George. He’ll lash out. And the more he lashes out, the more everybody else will get disgusted and pissed. Especially with this douchebag. Lashing out is what he does. Eventually everybody in the country will be against him except for, like, ten assholes who are just too stupid to see the truth. And he’ll go down.
S: I hope you’re right.
TJ: It’s not a question of if. It’s a question of when.
S: Okay. Cool. So, thanks, Thomas Jefferson, and happy Fourth of July.
TJ: Back atcha.
