The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump has disclosed the candidate’s plan for revising the Cabinet of the President of the United States.
In a release distributed to the press on Friday morning, Mr. Trump explained, “We are getting rid of the old Cabinet departments. These new Cabinet departments are much better than the old ones, which were all failing and very dishonest.”
The release goes on to state, “Really, folks, there’s no comparison. Many people are writing about how terrific these new departments are. Because frankly, the old departments were a disaster, if you really want to know. Labor, Interior, Housing and Urban Development—what is this? What’s ‘Energy’? Plus, I have to tell you, they were run by foolish people. These were not very bright, second-rate people — government workers, okay? — running these cabinets (sic), and nothing was getting done. This will be a big, big improvement, believe me.”
The new Cabinet departments, as described in the campaign’s official release, include:
The Department of Winning – This department will make sure that, whatever the government is doing, the American people will be winning. “No one knows more about winning than I do,” Mr. Trump points out. “Now I know that some people are saying, ‘Why do we need a whole Cabinet department for winning?’ And the truth is, we really don’t. Because everything we’ll be doing will win, once we do it. But some people feel better if you’ve got a top person overseeing it, so that’s what we’ll have.”
The Department of Women Who are 8’s, 9’s or 10s – Finally, there will be an entire Cabinet department dedicated to women. “I love women,” Donald Trump has said. “And women love me. I am the least misogynistic person you will ever meet. I’m the least misogynistic person I’ve ever met, and I’ve met everyone, believe me. No one has met more people than I have. And no one has more of an appreciation of a woman who is an 8, 9 or 10, and this department will make sure that those women are taken care of, okay?”
The Department of Deals – “We are getting absolutely creamed in our trade deals,” Mr. Trump opines. “We’re being ripped off by everyone, quite frankly. It’s not pretty, folks. The world is eating our lunch. I’m going to fix all that. I have a tremendous track record, I’ve done dozens, really hundreds, actually thousands of very successful deals, and I’m going to make America the Number One deal-making country in the world, THAT I can tell you.”
The Department of What Many People Are Saying – “Communication is important—in business and in life,” Mr. Trump notes. “I have spent my entire career communicating with people. So it will be this department’s job to keep track of what people are saying, make sure they’re saying good things and not bad things, and do what’s necessary. Not that anything will be necessary, but you never know.”
The Department of Being Very Successful – Donald Trump, as everyone knows, has been very successful. And for many years, so has the United States. “The truth is—and you can discuss this with people, like I have, very smart people who are committed to working with me for our nation—the truth is that over the last few years, the United States hasn’t been successful,” Mr. Trump asserts. “In fact we’ve gotten killed. I have to be honest. And so I will create a Cabinet department of Being Very Successful, staffed with the best people, to make sure the U.S. is successful again.” The Secretary of Being Very Successful will report directly to President Trump, so don’t worry about that.
The Department of the Failing, Really Very Overrated Media – When you look around—which Donald Trump does every day—you see that we have a lot of failing media companies who are the most dishonest outlets you have ever seen. “I mean they should be embarrassed,” Mr. Trump says. “So we have to do something. We are going to have a department. And we’re going to look into these media companies very carefully and decide what we can do about them, to make sure they tell the truth. And if they don’t, then we’ll figure it out.” When asked what he means by “we’ll figure it out,” Mr. Trump is careful to explain, “I don’t mean anything.”
The Department of The Top Negotiators – The United States is going to have to deal with other countries, in terms of peace treaties and NATO and so forth, so it’s important to take that very, very seriously. You’ve got Russia. You’ve got China. You’ve got the Middle East. You’ve got other places full of bad people who want to do bad things to us. That’s where the Top Negotiators fit in. “I know the best people,” Donald Trump reminds us. “They’re fantastic. They’re killers, if you really want to know. And that’s who you need to make peace with other countries. So we’re going to have a Department of these people, and we’re going to let them do what they do, to the people they know who to do it to, and we’ll see what happens. And something will happen, I can guarantee that.”
The Department of Things That Are Sad – If you have followed Donald Trump’s Twitter postings, you are familiar with how many sad people and things he has commented on over the past year. Lobbyists. Special interests. Journalists. The Bush family. “What can we do about these sad things?” Donald Trump wonders. “We can have a Department that makes sure that they don’t make us sad. And that’s what I promise to do for the American people, to make everyone happy again. Only I can do this, by the way.”
The Department of No One Messing With Us – The American military is fantastic. It’s really the best—very brave people who don’t get captured, excellent equipment, the best in the world. So why do people around the world mess with us? “Because we’re afraid to use what we have,” Donald Trump theorizes. “Look at nuclear. Very powerful, very important part of our triad. We never use it! What’s the point of having nuclear if you never use it? Folks, they’re laughing at us. The world is full of other countries with a lot of foreigners laughing at us. And so I’m going to make our military even bigger. With even more equipment, more people, more weapons, and more nuclear. And then no one will ever mess with us again, believe me.”
The Department of a Lot of Money – Everyone knows that, over the years, Donald Trump has made a lot of money. An awful lot of money, really–one of the great fortunes. He’s done very, very well. And so he wants to create a Cabinet department of a Lot of Money, to help other Americans to be as fortunate as himself. “Although it’s not really ‘fortunate,’” he is careful to point out. “’Fortunate’—I don’t know, you look it up or whatever, it means ‘lucky.’ But luck had nothing to do with it, in my case. I worked very, very hard, I had some terrific people who I told what to do, and I was very smart. So that’s what will be in this department, too.”
The Department of Suing – When somebody messes with you, or says bad things about you, you sue them. It doesn’t matter if you win, although usually, if you have the kind of top legal representation that Donald Trump has, you do win, quite often. You win very handsome judgments—in some cases the biggest judgments in history, he doesn’t know, you tell him. But even if you lose, you’ve caused the other party pain. You’ve made them hire attorneys. You’ve made them be deposed. You’ve disrupted their lives. And that’s the great thing about our legal system. So Donald Trump will not only have a Department of Suing, he will use it. “As President,” he avers, “I will deal with people who don’t like me, who are unfair to me, who treat me very badly. I will use the power I have in the Department of Suing to sue them, not only on behalf of me, but on behalf of the American people. Because you don’t treat the President badly, folks. You just don’t do it. He’s the President. That’s what I’m saying.”
