The Trump Administration, frustrated by months of failure in Congress to enact a repeal-and-replace ObamaCare health plan, has announced a new plan that claims to “eliminate monthly premiums, co-pays, and deductibles,” and that will “eliminate all costs for medications” for lower-income Americans.
“This plan makes the most of the essential American value: self-appliance,” said President Trump, reading with difficulty from a teleprompter. “Reliance. Self-reliance. It means to rely on yourself. Many people don’t know that.
“We are people of the fountain,” Mr. Trump read. “Of the frontier. And when our green ancestors…our great ancestors…and they were great, believe me, settled the American countryside, did they bother with doctors and hospitals and red tape? No! They took care of themselves and their owl. Their own. They bit on a bullet while they had a tooth extracted. They drank hard whiskey to have a bullet removed. Real Americans today have plenty of bullets and whiskey in their homes. They can use those and other readily-available remedies to do what Americans have always done best – take care of themselves.”
While some key details were missing from the plan, which the White House calls “Do it Yourself Healthcare” or “DIY-Care,” here are some of the measures they propose to enact:
- DIY-Care would eliminate all mandates and costs for those who are not covered by employer plans, and who are at 400% or less of the poverty level.
- DY-Care converts standard medical care into what the plan calls “assisted self-reliance.”
- Enrollees will receive access to “an exclusive YouTube channel” with hundreds of videos, produced by “bona fide medical practitioners,” that will instruct them in basic and advanced medical care. It will enable them to, for example, “safely fix a broken bone at home, or perform basic surgeries in their garage or rec room, using common household implements, such as a properly sanitized garden saw.”
- Each participant will receive a free, lifetime supply of placebo pills. “Placebos have been proven to be nearly as effective as most medications,” says the proposal. “What’s more, the nation has an enormous excess supply of placebo pills; when clinical trials end, these pills are often discarded. Now these valuable placebos can be provided to low-income Americans at absolutely no cost. They are pre-approved to be used for virtually any ailment. They are safe and have no side effects.”
- The plan also seems to propose a death benefit of $500, although the recipients of the benefit are unclear. The plan states “principles may be eligible to receive” such a benefit. When asked for clarification, an administration official said that “participants who have died will be entered into a drawing and the lucky winner will get $500.” It wasn’t immediately known how many dead winners there would be.
A brief news conference followed the President’s announcement. Here is an edited transcript:
Trump: So, in conclusion, this will be the best, the greatest health care ever, and will make America great again, like in the frontier days. You, at NBC, big loser, big fake – go ahead, ask a question.
NBC News: Mr. President, with this Die Care, is there any way a participant can see a real doctor?
Trump: That’s pronounced Dee—Eye–Why Care. DEE. EYE. WHY. It means “Do It Yourself.” It’s a term, I came up with it myself. Somebody said they’d heard it before but I never did. And by the way, it’s a thousand times better than naming it after myself, which is what Obama did.
NBC News: Actually, sir, President Obama didn’t name it after himself. Republicans called it Obamacare. Obama called it the Affordable Care Act, or ACA.
Trump: But once it was called Obamacare, Obama didn’t change his name to disassociate himself from it, did he? How about you – CBS – probably guilty of treason, but that’s okay. Go ahead, ask.
CBS News: This idea of placebo pills. Do you know that real medications are often 50% more effective than a placebo?
Trump: Of course I know that. With my IQ, are you kidding? And the answer is simple. Just take twice as much of the placebo, and there you go. Just as good and much cheaper. Next question, from the failing New York Times.
New York Times: Sir, even before your announcement ended, this plan was denounced by the AMA, the AARP, and many other groups. The AMA said, “DIY-CARE is a good name for it, because people will think it’s pronounced “Die Care.” And many will, in fact, die as a result of this so-called health plan.” Can you comment?
Trump: Well look, you see, even the AMA says the name is good. And no one will die because of this plan. They’ll die because they’re sick. People die in the world every day, whether they have health care or not. And I feel terrible about that, usually, although some people, frankly, if they die, it’s maybe not so bad. OK, fake CNN, you get a question.
CNN: Mr. President, isn’t this just a way to eliminate government costs for lower income people, get rid of existing ObamaCare taxes, cut taxes for the wealthy, and restrict actual healthcare to higher income citizens? It seems like this is a way to get poor people to just get sick and die and get rid of them.
Trump: Wow, I don’t know where to start on that one. Another trick, fake question. Don’t you believe in the American value of self-reliance? This plan lets people stand on their own two feet. And if they can’t stand, they can watch a video about how to make crutches out of scrap lumber in about five minutes. Look, the American people are tired of health care plans that take care of people. They want people to take care of themselves. All right, thank you, and good night.
ABC News: Sir, it’s two in the afternoon.
Trump: I…somebody told me it was eleven o’clock at night. I don’t know, you tell me.
