MARK TWAIN: Happy Birthday, Mr. President.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: First, it’s not my birthday, and second, take off that slinky dress. Crazy Mary is watching.
MARK TWAIN: There, is that better?
MARY TODD LINCOLN: Indeed. I take my leave of you, kind sirs.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: [sotto voce] It’s like she’s lurking behind every pillar and post. [sighs] So, how about this man cave? Sweet, huh?
MARK TWAIN: Me like-ee.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: You always did know how to turn a phrase. But that puts me in mind to ask you: Why do so many misquote us? You wouldn’t believe the meshugge things that get attributed to us on social media. From the language and syntax alone, you’d think people could spot these things as bogus, because anachronism. No one talks that way in our time.
MARK TWAIN: What do you mean “our time,” kemosabe? I lived 45 years after you took your big sleep, dirt nap, or whatever you call it.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: The report of my death was an exaggeration.
MARK TWAIN: A) I said that, and B), No, it wasn’t. But point taken on the anachronism thing. When I read that you said, “Here I sit, broken hearted, tried to shit but merely farted,” I said, “Something about that doesn’t sound like Abraham Lincoln’s ‘voice’ to me.” Was I wrong?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: No, you’re quite right. I prefer the word “crap.” My friends know it’s kind of like a signature for me.
MARK TWAIN: Yes, how well I remember when you said, “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure this crap.”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Exactly. The difference between the almost-right word and the right word is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.
MARK TWAIN: Well said. Except, again, by me.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Let’s not get pissy about it.
MARK TWAIN: I’m just sayin’. I’ve been as widely misquoted, misattributed, and all-around miscombobulated as you. The nattering nabobs of the lamestream social media seem to pay no mind to the language and allusions a man of my time might actually use. For example (I thought you’d never ask), I did not say: “I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God’s fool, and all his works must be contemplated with respect—even reruns of ‘Alf’.’”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: You’re shitting me. I mean, you’re crapping me. You didn’t say that?
MARK TWAIN: No, and you see, President Lincoln, the dead giveaway is that I don’t have Hulu.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: You could afford it. With your royalties? I, on the other hand, never made a goddam dime. I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
MARK TWAIN: Again, someone else.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Really? I could have sworn I said that.
MARK TWAIN: Well, you didn’t. And what really frosts my ass is that these boners (if you’ll pardon the expression) get echoed down through the ages—or down through the pages, I should say—of the internet, perpetuating an endless cycle of error. Much like reruns of “Alf.”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Mary likes “Alf.”
MARK TWAIN: My sympathies.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Well, what are you gonna do? Women. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.
MARY TODD LINCOLN: I heard that!
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Oy, am I gonna get it later.
MARK TWAIN: Sigh.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: That wasn’t in brackets, so I heard that.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Excuse me, gentlemen, am I intruding?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Al! Al Einstein, as I don’t live and don’t breathe! Just sit next to Mark, or Sam, or whatever he calls himself these days. Move that other mike a little closer to you.
MARK TWAIN: Didn’t expect to see you here, of all people.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: I’d rather be here than Philadelphia.
MARK TWAIN: D’oh! Someone else said that!
ALBERT EINSTEIN: On the contrary, I just did. And mark my words, someday someone is going to give me credit for it.
Illustration by Lily Holmes
