Have you ever wondered how libertarians maximize freedom of choice without being dragged down by a looting and mooching spouse? Join us at 143 Florida St., as we meet two Galtian gentrifiers who never met a domestic challenge they couldn’t overcome with innate superiority and deeply ingrained self-interest: Megan and Peter Elite!
V.O. : Previously on The Elites of Eckington…
MEGAN: Peter, I have a busy work week ahead of me. I’m going to be out of town for several days and we have that dinner party with the new neighbors on Saturday.
PETER: Wait. Which new neighbors? The ones the entertaining of whom will benefit us personally, or professionally?
MEGAN: Oh, do don’t be a silly lackwit, luv. There’s no difference between the two.
PETER: I know. I was testing you!
THEY laugh.
Episode 2:
Megan and Peter Divide Up Chores
FADE IN
MEGAN: Now, about this busy week in our self-sufficient lives: We’ll need to be super organized this week so let’s draw up a chores spreadsheet.
PETER: I’m really busy this week too. I’m working on a very important think piece on Zack Snyder and writing a white paper on my ideas for repealing and replacing Obamacare.
MEGAN: That’s nice, dear. I’m flying to Dresden, Germany, in Europe, to mingle with the global elite at the Bilderberg Meeting and give them my expert opinion on American economics and politics. So maybe you can put down the game controller and play Civilization VI some other time.
PETER: Oh, alright. You know, Megan, it’s a good thing we’re both libertarians. If I were still an evangelical conservative, I’d tell you to obey me and do all the chores yourself after work.
MEGAN: Isn’t it great that libertarians believe in pulling our own weight in a simple, rules-based system for cooperation, Peter? We can easily divide the chores in a fair and egalitarian manner. Some people might say that the person who makes more money and has to work longer hours than her partner shouldn’t have to do an equal amount of chores, but we are not those people.
PETER: Absolutely, Megan. And other people would say that a woman would be better suited to take care of a home because she is feminine and nurturing, and likes to take care of others and feather her nest. But they’d be wrong.
MEGAN: It’s a good thing we’re not like that! If, arguendo, I had to do all the chores, I might not be able to make as much money and we couldn’t afford luxuries like the latest virtual reality gadgets and having December off so we can travel.
PETER: Speaking of which, can I buy an Oculus–
MEGAN: No.
PETER: But I’m sure I could figure out a way to put it on my expense account. Remember when you ordered those boxes of wine from conservative and liberal websites and drank them all and wrote a post on how conservative wine was better?
MEGAN: You work at Reason. You don’t have perks, and bogarting Nick’s stash doesn’t count. The discussion is over.
PETER: But–
MEGAN: Peter, a true libertarian is skilled at negotiations and doesn’t interrupt the process at work. Let’s concentrate, shall we?
PETER: If I can’t have an Oculus Rift then I want dibs on managing our home electronics.
MEGAN: That’s not egalitarian. The word “dibs” doesn’t appear in Atlas Shrugged. I know. I looked. We must draw boundaries before we negotiate. I attended a deeply sourced TED talk that said intuitive organization was the next generation of decision making in business, so I think we should divide chores based on what we intuit our individual skill sets to be. Since I am, by virtue of training and innate ability, practically a trained chef, I will shoulder the burden of all the cooking. Did I tell you my mother made her own croissants?
PETER: Several times. My mother could cook too, you know, even if she wasn’t a New York City caterer. She just chose not to.
MEGAN: Whatever you say, luv.
PETER: So if you’re going to do all the cooking, does that mean I have to eat vegetables and couscous every night?
MEGAN: Naturally, if I have to make the meals, I am entitled to choose what to cook, based on both what I know how to cook and on my natural talent and skill. If you chose the menu, you would be forcing me to cook whatever you want, which wouldn’t be fair.
PETER: But I have to eat it, too.
MEGAN: But you don’t. You’re free to pursue your own destiny by not eating what I make. Similarly, mutatis mutandis, I must be free to pursue my own destiny by making what I want. Man must be free to achieve success without being dragged down by others. What if you told me to make a pie for the dinner party, when you know pies are far too difficult for the modern home cook?
PETER: My mom made a great pie.
MEGAN: Peter, unless you mother’s name is Sara Lee and she runs a baking empire, she opens a box of frozen Dutch apple pie and bakes it like everyone else.
PETER: What’s so hard about pie? I thought it was supposed to be easy. You know, “easy as pie.” If my mother could make a pie, anyone could make one. Just watch a YouTube video, or ask your mother to teach you–
MEGAN (hissing): She tried. It’s impossible! The crust sticks to the counter and the rolling pin and my hands, but I’m not supposed to add flour because Alton Brown said it’ll ruin the crust! It’s no-win!
PETER: Okay, okay! Nobody’s forcing you to make a pie! Don’t go Anarky on me! You can do the cooking if you want!
MEGAN: Good. And if I’m going to do all the cooking, it’s only fair that you do the dishes.
PETER: Not so fast. I’ve seen you cook; we have two dozen pots and pans hanging on the wall and you use every one when you make dinner. It takes you ten utensils, three mixing bowls, a Kitchen Aid, a Cuisinart, and a Thermomix to make a cake.
MEGAN: They can all go in the dishwasher and you’ll be done in no time. It takes hours to cook for a dinner party but you’ll be done cleaning up before the Uber drivers show up to take our guests home. But just because I love you so much, I’ll do the grocery shopping as well, even though that creates an imbalance in our egalitarian relationship.
PETER: That seems fair. You do the grocery shopping and cooking, and I’ll do the dishes.
MEGAN: You should pick up the house too. You’re so much tidier than I am, after all, and we should go with our strengths.
PETER: I am not tidier than you.
MEGAN: My tax records are in a banker’s box in the office closet.
PETER: I throw my dirty clothes on the bathroom floor.
MEGAN: I have enough clothes on the bottom of my barely-adequate closet to dress the Congo.
PETER: I haven’t put away my briefcase since I bought it.
MEGAN: You don’t use a briefcase. Except when you go to review movies. I always forget to put the paper towels and toilet paper away when they’re delivered.
PETER: I don’t mind putting away the Amazon deliveries.
MEGAN: Oh pooh. That barely happens once a day.
PETER: Still. Plus I usually throw out the boxes and stuff.
MEGAN: Just agree that you’ll put away the dishes. Since you wash them.
PETER: Fine. Yes. Agreed. I’ll put away the dishes.
MEGAN: And I’ll do the vacuuming since, intuitively, women are better at dull, repetitive tasks.
PETER: What about the rest of the cleaning?
MEGAN: I’ll clean out the gutters.
PETER: We hire day workers to do that once a year. You should do the bathroom.
MEGAN: Peter, we don’t have six weeks and a crack team of high-level diplomats to devote to the negotiations. I’m sure two reasonable people such as ourselves can figure the rest out later. We’ll take turns or something.
PETER: Okay, I’ll put everything away, take care of the electronics, and do the dishes.
MEGAN: And kill any spiders, roaches, or rodents. You know how we feminine women can’t bear the killing of anything non-human.
PETER: That’s why I love you. You’re so feminine.
MEGAN: You know, Peter, I couldn’t say whether this is random chance or the natural outgrowth of a value system that emphasizes voluntary, mutually beneficial cooperation, but we are as perfect together as we are apart.
PETER: I agree 100% percent, my little Ubermensch.
MEGAN: If there is a net psychic wealth imbalance in our distribution of household chores, I am the one running the chronic surplus.
PETER: Oh you sweet-talker. Hand me the game control.
MEGAN: No.
FADE OUT
CREDITS
Marie In Shaw
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