The Royal Household Solid Copper Kettle
Made in England using artisan techniques perfected during King Edward’s reign, this is the solid copper kettle still preferred by the households of the British Royal family. Hand-crafted with the highest grades of pure copper and lined with pure tin, each kettle is made by a skilled craftsman. Besides using it to boil water for your favorite Commonwealth tea, you can also run full-speed at a solid marble wall then hurl it at the last second, doubling the speed with which you’re able to smash the energy-efficient copper coil base into your skull.
$375
The European Goose Down Pillow
This is the pillow filled with European white goose down, one of the softest, most luxurious down clusters in the world. This pillow is filled with plumules from fully-grown geese, ensuring fuller loft, plushness and durability, and making it almost impossible to escape when you buy two, back-glue them to each jaw of an 48-lb AFT # 6 bear trap, and lower it over your head.
Standard $149
Queen $175
The Gentleman’s Washable Cashmere Lounge Pants
Luxuriously soft yet practical for everyday wear, these are the lounge pants made entirely from washable cashmere, hand-combed from the fine, downy undercoat of cashmere goats that roam the steppes of Inner Mongolia. The fibres of this one-of-a-kind garment have been exposed to a treatment that enables it to withstand repeated washing, which ensures it will remain intact when you wad it into a ball, stuff it into our Super Outdoor Potato Cannon (sold separately) hooked to a compressed air cylinder, and fire these luxurious two-ply cashmere pants a foot, maybe a foot and a half, down your trachea.
$179
Matching Cashmere Sweatshirt $199
The Battle Of Britain Commemorative Timepiece
This limited-edition timepiece commemorates the 75th anniversary of the Battle Of Britain, and is decorated with details inspired by the intrepid RAF airmen who bravely repelled the Axis aerial assault in 1940. Laurel leaves symbolizing Victory surround the face, while a profile of the revered Spitfire points to the noon hour and large Roman Numerals evoke the enduring reliability of Big Ben. This handsome watch with its precise Swiss movement can, after the removal of its ¾” Argentine leather band, be tied to the rotating cutting strip of a Weed Whacker bolted in a Universal Clamp Drill Press Bench, and lowered onto the bridge of your nose.
$198
The Peanuts Animated Christmas Tree
This is the Christmas tree with Linus, Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang encircling the tree in holiday revelry. The hand-painted china-like base has Snoopy driving a train full of wrapped gifts, while the second level shows Pigpen, Violet, Sally and others skating on an icy pond while holding hands. The tree is powered by 3 AAA batteries, or you can pull loose the metal rails of the train track, stick them in a wall socket, and shove the rotating piano-playing Schroeder way way way up your ass.
$199
