Dear United States Supreme Court,
My name is Ronnie. I will be six years old soon and I respectfully submit this amicus curiae brief. Mommy told me that means “friend-of-the-court” brief. She is very smart even though she is not a lawyer.
Do you want to be friends? I like Santa too but you even more.
If you want to be friends tell me in a letter what your favorite color is. It’s a tough decision I know.
*
Dear Ronnie,
Thank you for your kind letter. My name is David, and I’m a clerk for Chief Justice Roberts. Our great nation is built on the strength of our institutions, and it heartens me that you’ve taken an interest in the law from such a young age. Everyone here has nurturing that same unquenchable passion for justice, and I hope that your path eventually leads to these very halls.
In the meantime, please enjoy this commemorative Supreme Court mug.
*
Dear SCOTUS,
Thank you for the mug but I already have a sippy cup. My parents said don’t be rude but my other friends give me cooler stuff like toys and puzzles but maybe that’s because we aren’t friends yet. So I’m respectfully submitting this amicus curiae again so we can be friends and give better gifts and tell each other our favorite color.
*
Dear Ronnie,
Thanks for your follow-up letter. My name is Susan, and I’m a clerk for Justice Thomas. We admire your enthusiasm, but as we’re all very busy here, perhaps I should explain something to you.
Amicus curiae are indeed “friend-of-the-court briefs,” but that does not mean we are friends with those who file them. Their purpose is to provide us with impartial information on pertinent legal arguments surrounding and possible social ramifications for a given case. They come in during the Writ of Certiori phase or when we are deciding a case on its merits.
Should you have any further questions on the form or intent of amicus curiae briefs, I would be happy to further enlighten you. However, issues such as, inter alia, Santa Claus or my favorite color are not germane.
*
Dear SCOTUS,
I HATE CLERKS! They’re mean and smell.
*
Dear Ronnie,
what’s kickin’, buddy? i’m cal, the cool clerk, aka big c. contract law’s my jam, but I dig it all. (except caps.) i’ve dropped knowledge on everything from citizens united to some basic shit like fifth third bancorp v. dudenhoeffer. so here’s the deal, little man. i think ur a real kool kat but if you wanna be amici you gotta chill. can you do that for big c?
peace.
*
Dear SCOTUS
What is a Dudenhoeffer? And why did you spell kat with a “k” if you are so smart? My teacher, who is smarter than you and maybe even my mom, told me capitals go at starts of sentences.
She said I could do anything I set my mind to so I will keep writing amicus briefs until a NOT-stupid NOT-clerk answers.
*
Dear Ronnie,
I believe your letter got forwarded to me by accident, but as I have plenty of time on my hands, I’d be happy to correspond with you and become friends. Truth be told, I started crying when I received your missive, not because it was sad per se but because it reminded me of what, through circumstances beyond my control, I can never be: a Supreme Court justice. Do you have any idea what it means to dedicate your life to something, be so close, and then have it unceremoniously stripped away? I bet you do, for I can tell from your penmanship that you are wise beyond your years.
Have I thought of hurting myself? Sure. But each time I look down the barrel of that freshly oiled shotgun and contemplate blissful oblivion, I tell myself no, you can still fritter away your sad last years on the US Court of Appeals.
At any rate, thank you for listening, my friend. On a lighter note, have you read Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan novels? They have the emotional rawness of Roe v. Wade and the tenderness of Obergefell v. Hodges.
Yours,
Merrick Garland
*
Dear SCOTUS,
Thank you sad man for replying to my brief. I have a Nerf gun so we can play sometime. Now I just need a real justice to be friends with and I will be happy.
*
Dear Ronnie,
Congratulations kid, a real justice finally wrote to you. Now buzz off.
Seriously, go find a new branch of government to pester. Maybe a freshman congressman from Bumfuck, Kansas or something.
If I wanted to explain the law to someone with the mental capacity of a five-year-old, I’d do it to one of my tree-hugging, enfranchisement-loving, baby-killing colleagues.
Yours,
Justice Alito
P.S. – My favorite color is fuchsia.
J.A.
