A major political public relations disaster occurred yesterday at a local airport hotel when members of the anti-Zionist B.D.S. (Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions) movement inadvertently attended a local B.D.S.M. (Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism) convention. The leader of the anti-Israel faction, Omar Kush, explained the cause of the confusion: “We’ve had trouble recently with typos from Carl, the guy in charge of proofing our media content, so we naturally assumed he’d accidentally added an extra “M” to the hotel marquee. But after attending the convention, I can assure everyone in the B.D.S. movement that I plan on taking immediate action to prevent similar issues by bending Carl over a sawhorse and dripping hot wax on his scrotum.”
B.D.S. Vice President of Outreach Kelly Fullington described why the group’s initial misgivings went unheeded: “When we arrived at the ballroom, we were met by men in black leather hoods handing out flyers. We thought they were just protesters wearing some kind of weird orthodox yamulkes or something. And we figured the “Ouchapalooza!” on their flyer was Hebrew. Actually, I’m still pretty sure it is.” Likewise, the misguided politicos mistook the St. Andrews crosses set up in the lobby for a metaphorical depiction of “Zionist repression.” When asked what metaphor the pasty overweight men in lingerie strapped to those same crosses were depicting, representatives for the B.D.S. group were unavailable for comment.
Dennis “Pinkbottom” Mumford, the organizer of the gathering of sexual adventurers, claims to have known the B.D.S. chapter had entered the wrong venue almost immediately. “When they came into the Welcome Dungeon, they were super mean to the dominatrices serving hors d’oeuvres, demanding to know whether the tapenade came from Israeli olives. They were verbally abusive to our attendees, many of whom got aroused, and then didn’t even have the decency to tease or mock the size of their erections. One of the B.D.S. people got really aggressive with Madame Vondetta regarding Netenyahu’s plan to move the capital of Israel to Jerusalem and made her cry so hard she fell off the submissive she was riding. I’m sorry, but that’s not sadism, that’s just sick!”
The evening of confusion reached an embarrassing climax when the featured B.D.S. speaker, Professor of Political Science Dr. Raoul Messer, took the stage to address the assembled libertines with a lecture on “Shifting Political Dynamics Within the Likud Party.” Messer paused to bow in mid-speech when he assumed he was receiving a rousing ovation, only to discover the applause-like sound was coming from the spanking seminar in the next room. Dr. Messer recovered, however, and continued to address the bewildered but polite listeners in their formal dog collars and ass-less chaps.
“The Israeli right wing has been more than merely unresponsive to the plight of the Palestinian people,” Messer told the group. “It has been quite naughty. It should be forced to not only endure the miserable living condition in Gaza but to walk around in public wearing nothing but stiletto heels and too-tight panties.” When the attendees responded positively to his impromptu speech, Messer continued: “The Israeli government must withdraw its settlements from the West Bank,” he said. “Then before it enters again, it should wait tentatively just outside the border, begging the West Bank for permission to come inside. Then, it can only enter a little bit, then withdraw again, and enter and withdraw and enter and withdraw, again and again and again until it begs for sweet, tender release!” The crowd responded to Messer’s exhortations for a new political dynamic in the Middle East by pinching each other’s nipples and peeling their name tags off their bare chests very, very slowly.
“A good public speaker knows how to read the room,” Dr. Messer explained confidently afterwards, claiming to have won dozens of converts to his political position. However, it was later revealed that the convention-goers who signed petitions following his speech were in fact joining a newly-formed group calling themselves “Jews For Jesus That Hurts!”
When contacted afterwards, a B.D.S. spokesperson refused to apologize for his group’s intrusion and, given the unprecedented spike in attendance, instead announced that their next meeting would be held in the home basement of B.D.S.M. Social Committee chairpersons Mr. and Mrs. Morton “Dogpile” Dinsmore.
