Please Say A Command

 Welcome to The Trafalgar, your first choice in senior care.  Please say a command.

I don’t know the commands.  (—–)   Coffee?

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your command.  Please repeat.

I’d like some hot coffee.

Would you like to go to the Main Menu?

I don’t want the main menu, unless it’s a coffee menu.

Did you say: Main Menu?

No.

Please say or type your staff ID or guest number.

Guest number?  Is that the room number?  I don’t know my guest number.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand that command.  Please say again.

I don’t know.  (—–)  Number unknown.  No se. 

Would you like to speak to a staff member?

Yes please.

I’m sorry, I didn’t…

Yes.

Please say the name of the person you wish to speak to.

Oh dear.  I don’t know.  The Administrator?

Please repeat that.

Administrator.  Sally?  Susan?  Tall woman with long hair.

There’s no one with the name you requested.  Would you like to go to the Main Menu?

Oh all right.  Yes please.

Please repeat that.

Yes.

Just one moment.  Main Menu.  Please say a command.

Room service.  Food.  Food service.  Dining.  Cafeteria?

Please say a command.

I just… What are …?  List commands.  List.

I’m sorry, until you sign in you don’t have access to that function.  Please say a command.

Help.  (——)   Help me.

Did you say Jalapeno?

Oh for God’s sake, why would I say jalapeno?  I mean, that’s… if you don’t have coffee why would anyone think you’d have jalapenos?

One moment please. 

Sure, take all the time you need.

Main Menu.  Please say a command.

Assistance.  Human being.  Personnel.

Would you like to speak to a staff member?

Yes.  But I don’t know…

Please say the name of the person you wish to speak to.

John.  Fred.  Mark.  Smith.  Jones.

I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

Go back.  Back.  Previous menu.

Main Menu.  Please say a command.

Telephone.  Phone.  Dial number.

Do you wish to hear a list of Trafalgar activities?

(—-)    Yes.

Activities for Sunday, April twenty-fifth.  Three-thirty:  Book Group.   Four-thirty:  Yoga In Style.  Six o’clock:  Dinner.  Seven-thirty:  tonight’s movie and discussion.

(—–)   Dinner.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand that command.

Goddamn it, food, drinks, coffee.

Please say or type your staff ID or guest number.

I can’t remember my grandchildren’s names, how am I supposed to know my goddamn guest number?  Get me a person.  Operator!

I’m sorry, I don’t understand that command.  Please say again.

No, I won’t.  It’s preposterous.

Did you say Prescriptions?

(—–)    Yes.

One moment please.  Prescriptions Menu.  Please say your prescription number, room number or guest number, followed by pushing or saying the word “pound.”

One-seven-three-two-eight-nine-seven-four-one and pound you up the ass with a jalapeno!

You’re welcome.  Goodbye!