FROM: ShadyAcresRehab.com
SENT: Feb. 3, 2017
TO: CartwheelProductions.com/development
SUBJECT: New Political Comedy
As most of you in the office know, I’ve been away at my annual Thanksgiving/Christmas vacation in Jamaica followed by the traditional extended stay in rehab. I guess I foolishly assumed that in my absence our TV development team would stay on top of the business, but no sooner do I complete my steps necessary to earn computer privileges than what do I see online? Apparently, there’s a new political comedy out there that’s trending across every media platform about a totally incompetent boob of a President – and IT’S NOT OUR SHOW! How long have I been talking about developing a “Veep” meets “W.W.F.” pilot about an aging professional wrestler who takes an overdose of P.E.D.s and wakes up to find he’s won the Presidential election? And now someone’s gone and beat us to it! Do I have to do everything for you people? Even though my detox regimen leaves me unable to stop giggling or uncross my eyes for hours at a time?
Okay, water under the bridge, let’s get down to the job at hand: I don’t think it’s too late to launch our version of this show (“Hail To The Chump?” “The Worst Wing”?). Let’s have title pitches—something edgy but not too street. And I mean yesterday, before their show catches on any more. From what I was able to see — before the Intervention Team broke down the door to the TV room and wrestled the remote away from me — the star, the guy who plays the President, is going for a kind of Yutz-Bully thing. He thinks you think he’s Citizen Kane, but he’s afraid you’ll think he’s Ralph Kramden—which means, at bottom, he IS Ralph Kramden.
Add to this the ridiculous Benny Hill hairdo, all the talk about “grabbing pussy” and whining about everything being “very unfair”—really, it’s Ralph Kramden-meets-Mussolini (with the mugging and the grimacing)-meets-my-crabby-teenage-son, if you must know. And the trophy wife, the “First Lady,” is this over-the-top Real Housewives strike-a-pose babe who speaks fractured English with a Transylvanian accent! Who he treats like his caddy!
Can someone please find out what this actor’s name is and who represents him? If we can’t steal him away, let’s try to find another old actor who can do deadpan-buffoon. We may not be able to top the clown they found to play the President, but we don’t have to go as cartoony as they did either.
And I love the writing! In the clips I sampled before Security tossed my room and turned up my contraband cellphone, every episode starts with President Whatever coming up with some loony scheme–blocking immigrants from countries whose refugees have never been a danger to us; building a gigantic wall all the way from California to whatever’s on the other side of the country from California; hiring some guy from Texas with sportscaster hair to run a Cabinet Department he can’t remember the name of! Or the one where he makes this wimpy little guy go tell reporters that his Inauguration crowd was the biggest ever, even when everybody can see photos that show all of Washington is half empty!
(That’s another thing they got right: the scumbags behind the scenes! The cabal of yes-men, professional liars, and conniving swine in his inner circle. It’s Shakespeare meets Lord of the Flies. Although in my IMHO the name “Conway” for a spokesperson is a little on-the-nose.)
Will someone please make a deal with these writers, whoever they are? I didn’t catch the end credits because my counselor made me go think up a list of amends I have to pretend to make to my friends and family. Oh, and here’s the beauty part: we can do the show on a budget, because theirs is shot with lots of fake “found footage” like actual news reports, so you can ALMOST believe the craziness you’re watching is real! Like “The Office” but way, way more cynical. It’s a little broad for my taste, actually, and their star is clearly trying a little too hard to be funny, but apparently it’s got some audience buy-in.
I’ve got to go for a sec. It’s exercise time and I need to get the Ziploc full of Percocets out of my rectum before the volleyball game starts.
Okay, I’m back with news. I just overheard my roommate “El Javalina” talking to some guy through the heating vent, and I’ve picked up enough Spanish in the last 3 months to know they’re talking about “El Presidente Loco,” which I guess is what Univision calls the show. That means one of two things: A) Their fucking show has already caught on with an international audience, or B) I’m hallucinating again. It’s got to be B, because no TV series could’ve become such a phenomenon all around the world so fast. So anyway, forget whatever it was that I was babbling about. I am heartily sorry for the pain and embarrassment my dependence on chemical substances has caused you and ask for your forgiveness and understanding as I try to make myself worthy of your future trust. Now I’ve got to go try to vomit up whatever that syrup was I stole from the nurse’s station during Spiritual Hour.
