THE WHITE HOUSE
May 17, 2017
SUBJECT: UPCOMING FOREIGN TRIP
ACTION: LOW EXPECTATIONS TALKING POINTS
For the President’s first foreign trip abroad, he’ll be confronting some of the most important, world-changing, and potentially dangerous issues any president has ever faced. So as his support and preparation team, it’s critical that we first and foremost: ESTABLISH EXCEEDINGLY LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR HIM. We want every diplomatic blunder – and unmitigated triumph, of course – to seem less disastrous – or more magnificent – when compared with what MIGHT have happened.
Here are some sample talking points to use when making your news show appearances:
IN SAUDI ARABIA
The President did NOT think King Salmen’s name on the official state dinner welcome banner was a special menu item, and order it with extra tartar sauce.
The President did NOT mistake Crown Prince’s kaffiyeh for his name and call him that for two whole days.
The President did NOT accidentally step on the hijab of one of the Crown Prince’s wives, thereby causing it to rip so her underpants were exposed to the international paparazzi. When the President did not do this, he also did NOT then comment on her having “a great set of cans under that muu-muu.”
The President did NOT threaten to undermine the $100 billion arms deal by dumping out Melania’s swag bag in search of his bribe.
The President did NOT mistake the Deputy Crown Prince for a woman because he was wearing robes and extol the newfound freedom of Saudi women by grabbing the diplomat’s genitals and sticking his tongue in his mouth.
IN ISRAEL
The President did NOT walk face-first into the Western Wall while distracted by a cloud that looked like a big ice cream cone.
After laying a wreath at World Holocaust Remembrance Center, the President did NOT express his disappointment in discovering it was not a theme park. He also did NOT not know that concentration camps didn’t have arts and crafts and cabins named after Indian tribes.
At the state dinner hosted by Prime Minister Netanyahu, the President did NOT pout because there was no bacon-wrapped shrimp.
The President did NOT mispronounce the Church of the Holy Sepulcher as “the Church of the Holy Sphincter.” He also did NOT giggle after he did not say this, nor did he explain to others what sphincter really means, after introducing it with “people don’t know this.”
When meeting with Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, President Trump did NOT forget he still had a yarmulke stuck in his hair and think it was a terrorist bomb and ask President Abbas to dump a tureen of punch on his head. When President Abbas did not do this, the Secret Service did NOT tackle him.
IN VATICAN CITY
The President did NOT try so hard not to step on the Pope’s robes that he fell down a staircase and knocked down Caravaggio’s priceless “The Entombment of Christ” so that the President’s head poked through the canvas where Mary Magdalene’s face used to be.
The President did NOT demand to see the Pope’s green card, and when informed that not only is His Holiness not an American citizen but that they were not currently in America, the President did NOT just blink and stare in confusion for 23 very awkward seconds.
The President did NOT announce the appointment of Callista Gingrich, the wife of Newt Gingrich, to the post of U.S. ambassador the Vatican. No, wait, sorry, that’s real. But he did NOT announce the appointment of former “Bachelorette” Desiree Hartsock as ambassador to the Vatican.
IN BELGIUM
The President did NOT make an earth-shattering announcement that the United States would no long commit to NATO, only to reveal that he thought NATO was the name of the bad guy in the X-Men movies.
The President did NOT tell French President Emmanuel Macron that he wanted to visit ultra-right wing candidate Marine Le Pen because he wanted to see the big aquarium where they keep whales and octopuses and stuff.
The President did NOT threaten to pull out of the Paris Accord by saying he preferred the Honda Accord’s climate control system.
And finally, when boarding Air Force One to return to Washington, the President did NOT say “Goodbye, foreigners! I’m heading back to America now! Good thing the statute of limitations has run out so they can’t get me for firing Comey to stop him from investigating how I’m in hock to the Russians and helped them rig the election! Ha ha!”
Tomas Del Coro
http://tinyurl.com/q5bfg63
