We are looking for a talented Writer to join the #1 National Cable Morning Show, Fox & Friends. You are a storyteller. You use creative, compelling and conversational copy to pull viewers in. You know the difference between an attention-grabbing headline and burying the lead. You like to dig into details, find the most interesting part about a story and make it resonate with viewers across the country.
You will be assigned the following shift: 12:00 AM-9:00 AM EST
–actual employment opportunity ad
But you are more than that. You know that no story that doesn’t somehow praise Donald Trump and the Republican Party or criticize their enemies is worth telling—not, like the professional you are, if you want to get paid. You also know that some stories have to be told—not because you want to or we want to, but because they are so important and so well-known and un-quashable that it would be embarrassing, even to us and to you, not to tell them, much as we try not to. But you also know that those stories can be edited, or polished, or slanted, or otherwise modified to suit the producers of the #1 National Cable Morning Show, Fox & Friends.
You know many things. You know that it’s not enough to use creative, compelling, and conversational copy to pull viewers in. You know it’s necessary to use conspiratorial, Christian, collusive, corporatist, capitalist, counterfeit, contentious, calculating, and controlling copy, not only to pull viewers in, but to drag them by the nose to the correct calamitous and cataclysmic conclusions.
You know how not to bury the lead and how to dig into details, but you also know how to dig into the lead until you might as well bury it under a pile of details not worth digging into. You know how to omit details, to exaggerate other details, to invert some details so they appear to be different details than what they really are, to obscure details, and basically take a pick axe and a sledge hammer to details until they resonate with the viewers across the country who have made Fox News the most effective mind-influencing Network on Cable. So you are more than a storyteller. You are a storyshaper, a storymanipulator, and a storyfalsifier.
You are a true professional, who takes pleasure in working with and having the utmost respect for some of the most experienced propagandizing influentials on National Cable Television. You are able to look at, talk to, listen to, and tolerate Steve Doocy without the slightest hint of nausea. You are willing and even, within certain limits, eager to work with Brian Kilmeade, in spite of his occasional bursts of manifest stupidity and, indeed, often, because of them, if you know what’s good for you, which, because you are you, you do. You even know the name of what’s-her-name, the latest fetching blonde with the skirt and the legs that sits between Doocy and Kilmeade, or at least you have every intention of learning her name if you land this job. You know that her wardrobe budget will be twice your annual salary and you don’t, or can pretend you don’t, care. You know she is less intelligent that your least intelligent dog and you can live with that, basically.
You know that Donald Trump himself will be watching segments that you will have written, and you are appropriately concerned that they not be too complicated, verbally abstruse, or “talky.” You know that you know what “abstruse” means and he doesn’t, but that’s kind of okay, really. After all, you’re a Writer and he’s something else.
You will be assigned the “graveyard” shift, from midnight until 9:00 am. You are able to think about what that means, and to realize that it means you will live the life of a vampire: awake and busy at night, while hiding from the light—and from decent society–by day. You know you will not get to see your spouse or friends and you figure it’s just as well. You are perfectly willing to suspend a lifetime’s rule against drinking in the daytime for the sake of writing the kind of attention-grabbing, Republican-advocating, science-denying, racism-coddling, plutocrat-praising, white-supremacist-defending, authoritarian-cheering stories that have made the #1 National Cable Morning Show, Fox & Friends, the undisputed champion at making its viewers measurably more stupid with each viewing.
Sure, you have “qualms.” We all did. You’ll get used to it.
(vincent desjardins)
http://tinyurl.com/n82nz6c
