The following pages, which The Sherman Oaks Review intends to serialize for as long as we can milk them, appear to be from the “shooting script” of a 1956 Japanese monster movie entitled GOLDZILLA VERSUS THE SMUG MONSTER. We present them without comment, as yet one more example of the wide variety of literary forms now available to the world, thanks to the Internet.
While the script’s first ten pages appear to be missing, we have been able to infer the story and the identity of the characters as follows:
Goldzilla, a fearsome and highly narcissistic creature—so named for his eerily golden skin tone and the color of his unearthly cranial fur—has been ravaging the Japanese countryside, crushing buildings, insulting ethnic groups, taunting his enemies, and bragging unrelentingly about how smart, rich, successful, and great he is and, occasionally, about how great his wife is. At first the Japanese people view him as an aberration, an unnatural creature emerged from some unknowable abyss. However, in short order, it is apparent that Goldzilla is, in fact, a creation of the Japanese themselves, the very embodiment of the values and practices they have demonstrated for the past fifty years.
Who will—who can—stop him? The unwelcome answer appears in the form of The Smug Monster, an equally repellent creature widely despised by all who know, and most who have heard of, him. A being of grotesque intellectual arrogance, self-righteous religiosity, oleaginous insincerity, and extreme ickiness, The Smug Monster has, by page 13, taken to roving the Nipponese landscape as well, urging warfare and annihilation, calling for the destruction of the Japanese taxation system, and setting his sights on his one mortal enemy: Goldzilla.
As these two behemoths square off, smashing villages and belittling each other and lying about pretty much everything, Japan cowers in terror. The rest of the world, for its part, gazes on in horrified fascination and moral revulsion, munching popcorn and perversely enjoying the spectacle. But it cannot go on forever. All are aware that this fatal rivalry must reach its climax—and some form of resolution—when the two monstrosities engage each other in the old industrial city of Cleveland, Japan, in July.
In the following scene, PRINCE REBUS, the prince regent of the nation, conducts a press conference and tries to calm the fears of the frightened Japanese people.
5 INT. PRESS ROOM – DAY 5
Mobbed with journalists. Microphones brandished, flash bulbs popping. PRINCE REBUS—short, balding, trying to fake optimism—fields questions from a lectern up front.
REPORTER 1
Prince Rebus! Goldzilla and The Smug Monster
are destroying everything! Is it not terrible?
PRINCE REBUS
No. Nothing is terrible. These two creatures are
enjoying a spirited, open debate about how best
to rule and make Japan the land of the rising
sun again.
REPORTER 2
Prince Rebus! Everywhere Goldzilla appears, there
is violence! Everything The Smug Monster says is
complete madness!
PRINCE REBUS
That is untrue. The Smug Monster loves Japan even
though he was born in Korea.
REPORTER 1
Prince Rebus! The Smug Monster says, “Come!
Let us bomb women and children!” Then he says,
“But we will do it carefully.” A man cannot believe
how insane such a proposition is. This is very bad!
PRINCE REBUS
This is not bad. What is bad is the rest of the world,
eating their popcorn, and not wanting Japan to return
to greatness. How dare you ask me questions?
REPORTER 1
Ha ha ha! You are right, Prince Rebus! I will file a story that
says everything is good. I am a mere journalist! I have
no right to ask you questions.
PRINCE REBUS
All of you! Listen to me! The Smug Monster will destroy
Goldzilla. Return to your office buildings and do not have fear!
THE PRESS nod, ad-lib assent, and begin to disperse.
CUT TO
6 INT. LABORATORY AT JAPAN UNIVERSITY – DAY 6
DR. TANAKA (fifties, distinguished, in lab coat) frowns at an OSCILLOSCOPE readout. Nearby, MICHIKO, his young, beautiful assistant, is bent over a microscope.
TANAKA
(to self)
I cannot believe it…
MICHIKO
(looking up)
What is it, Dr. Tanaka?
TANAKA
Look at this, Michiko.
ANGLE – MICHIKO stands, regards ‘scope, reacts with dismay.
MICHIKO
But… can this be true?
DR. TANAKA
I am afraid so. My findings are scientific.
(beat) Goldzilla is more powerful than The
Smug Monster.
MICHIKO
We must tell Bill!
DR. TANAKA
Bill? Your American boyfriend?
MICHIKO
Yes. He is in Japan to study our science.
I will tell him.
SHE starts to hurry out.
DR. TANAKA
But what will Bill be able to do, Michiko?
MICHIKO
I do not know, Dr. Tanaka. But I do know this:
Somebody must do something! If Goldzilla conquers
Japan—I cannot even think of such a thing!
SHE exits on the run as DR. TANAKA shakes his head in dismay.
Illustration by Lily Holmes.
