To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: WTF???
Hey there Danny. It’s me Jeremy. I’m the sick kid you visited in the Bentleyville Hospital last Thursday. Remember? Anyway, you promised me you’d hit me a home run. Instead you bounced into a game-ending 6-4-3 double play. Don’t you care that I’m dying?
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re: WTF???
Jeremy, I’m so sorry. I gave it my best shot. I really wanted to smack one over the wall for you but the opposing pitcher had really good stuff. I will try again every game for you, pal. Just remember that the entire Bentleyville Microbursts team is rooting for you.
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:WTF???
You’ll TRY every game? That wasn’t a part of the original deal. You promised me a home run. You didn’t say you’d try and try until you finally hit one. I’m sorry, but this is bullshit.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re: WTF???
It’s not that I didn’t give it my best shot to hit a homer, little dude. In fact, on the last at-bat that ended the game I intentionally swung at what I knew was ball-four just to have a shot at hitting you a game-winning home run. Some of my teammates were even mad at me and accused me of blowing a shot at a late inning rally because they knew I was trying to hit a home run for you, instead of drawing a walk.
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:WTF???
I don’t care. You shouldn’t have promised a home run if you thought you might not hit one. What if I promised you that I’d beat my brain cancer during your next game? But I’m not stupid enough to make such a cockamamie promise. And I certainly wouldn’t turn around and say “Ooops, at least I tried.” Where does that leave me? Dead.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Don’t talk like that, buddy. Me and all the guys on the team have confidence that you can stay strong and beat your illness. We’re really pulling for you. In the meantime, I promise you I will hit a home run before the season is over.
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
There you go with that grossly misguided confidence again. You know my crummy chances of survival. Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t know the whole active Microburst roster was suddenly bursting with magic oncologists. And as for your promise to hit another home run, the season is only a quarter of the way done which tells me you’re just playing the odds. I specifically asked for a home run last night against the Timmonsburg Lumberjacks. You promised and you failed. End of story.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Come on. I went three for four, with two doubles and a triple. A triple is harder to hit than a home run.
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
But I didn’t ask for, and you didn’t promise, two doubles and a triple. I don’t care if you went 99-100 with 99 triples. Maybe if I asked for 99 triples…??? YOU PROMISED A HOME RUN!!! So it’s too late now. I’ve already torn up all my Danny Andrews baseball cards and posters. I even told the nurse to throw my bobblehead down the garbage chute with the leftover gross pudding. I hope you rip a friggin’ tendon during batting practice.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re: WTF???
Hey, I had that made specifically for you. That bobblehead was OF YOU wearing a Jeremy Larson #21 Microbursts’ jersey. You own the only one.
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Not anymore asshole.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re:re:re: WTF???
Okay, that’s it. Now I’m intentionally going to strike out every at bat. When the season goes down the tubes and they ask me why I suddenly got so awful I’m going to tell them that little sick Jeremy asked me as a dying wish that I’d walk up to the plate and strike out every single at-bat and I promised him I would because I didn’t want to disappoint a dying child. Then everyone will blame you. They’ll blame you.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Jeremy? Did you get my last email? Why haven’t you responded?
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Jeremy? You okay? I didn’t mean to write something so mean. I’m so sorry.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Jeremy???
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Yeah, I’m still alive, dip shit. How does it feel to be left feeling so empty and cheated? I hope you cried yourself to sleep the last few nights. By the way I see the Microbursts are on a four game losing streak despite your late-inning home run last night in mop-up time of another ugly blow-out. The doctors here are giving you a zero percent chance to make the big leagues. As for me, I’m feeling the best I have in days so EAT-IT, pal…buddy…little dude.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
If it makes you feel any better I sprained my ankle walking to my car in the parking lot after the game. I’m out for 4-6 weeks.
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Good. Good. A sprained ankle is a pussy injury but I’m glad you’re in some amount of pain. Not tumor in the brain pain, but anyway… Hey, wait a minute. You said you’re out 4-6 weeks? You ever see those commercials for Make A Dream Come True.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
It’s that campaign that helps dying children to fulfill their wish. And by the way, my ankle sprain is no walk in the park.
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Shut up about the pussy sprain. So it looks like I’m going to be sponsored by Make A Dream Come True. You know what my dream is, asswipe? To bat cleanup for the Microbursts.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Oh no!
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Oh no is right, wanker face. I signed a one day contract with the team. And I’ll be batting fourth. That’s right. I’ll be number 21, Danny “Piece of Shit Liar” Andrews next Tuesday against the Paducah Perch. And I promise, PROMISE, I’ll hit a home run for you, little buddy. You know they’re going to let me hit the ball and fumble with it long enough for me to round the bases. And guess who gets to push my wheelchair around the base? You. You and your stupid pussy sprained ankle. I really had to turn on the water works after the Microbursts medical staff said you shouldn’t exert yourself. They said you could re-injure yourself. “It could jeopardize his long term future,” they said. What a joke! We all know you have no long term future. Not in baseball, at least. And one more thing, I’m going to put Superglue in my wheelchair’s wheels right before I bat. That stuff dries quickly, Danny. It’ll be hell pushing my skinny dying ass 360 feet around a dirt infield.
To: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re;re WTF???
Hello there. Did you read the paper this morning, Jeremy? Your favorite player has retired. That’s right. I’m hanging up my cleats. Why? Because you were right. I’m not good enough for the majors. Therefore, it looks like ol’ Danny Andrews won’t be pushing you around the bases either. But guess what? Now I have all the time in the world to devote to my second passion: volunteer work at Bentleyville Hospital. I’ll be there bright and early in the morning. The doctors say it does the patients good to get to the courtyard for some fresh air. My ankle is in a walking boot so it’s going to be a long bumpy stroll, little buddy. Looong and buuumpy. I have a dream too, pal. I may never become a major leaguer, but tomorrow morning I’m going to make MY DREAM come true.
To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Bring. It. On.
BK
http://tinyurl.com/k8j8sr4
