NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF UNSOLICITED INTERNET SALES ADVISERS
CONVENTION AGENDA
8:30AM – Welcoming remarks by NAUISA President Kellis Treljnoy
9:00AM – Building A Sales Force of Believably-Named Professionals
What’s in a name? A lot of deleted emails — unless your clients are convinced that the sender in the FROM line is real! You can’t expect potential customers to respond to an electronic offer sent by sales associates with names like Bob Smith or Jane Johnson.
Fortunately, creating a uniquely real-sounding name can be accomplished with just a little imagination, a book of Norwegian fairy tales and a knack for anagrams. Make sure your sales force sounds real, whether they are or not! Gurn Barsont and Delly Pfeffler from “Hey Friend This Stuff Really Works” will get you started. In the Cub Room.
“By reality-adjusting the names of my imaginary sales staff, I increased my total client responses from 3 to 4!” – Nev Hreznyz, Executive Vice President, “Lost My Wallet Can U Help Me?”
“Gurn and Delly showed me how to correct some rookie missteps, like unwisely changing my name from Ed Cooper to Thiev Crookman.” – Bhourdhan Zhendskril, CEO, “National Banking Double-Checking-Personal-Info Service.”
11:00AM — How To Turn the Right Subject Into A Left Click
Wordsmith extraordinaire Tipzi Spenk of “Get Giant Erections Now” will share her take on how to make your less-than-sexy business offer sound super smokin’ – while staying within your SUBJECT box! Why does “Low-Cost Financial Advice ” get far fewer responses than “Free Nazi Viagra” or “Butt Lube Addict Seeks Skype Pal”? Why is 😉 more likely to attract customers than =( ? Tipzi has the answers, so join her for a graphic PowerPoint presentation that will show you how she made “Big Huge Dick Pump” an inspiring American success story. In the Main Ballroom (Sold Out)
“Since consulting Tipzi, I don’t know if my dick is any bigger, but my bank account sure is”! — Frengel Lamarr, President, “Miracle Boner Goo.”
1:00PM – 2:30 – Lunch
Enjoy a grand buffet overlooking the sun-kissed water … and seize the opportunity to mingle with your fellow e-ntrepreneurs. Trade tips and tech talk with the very electronic envelope-pushers whose names you’ve seen scrolling past while running virus-removal programs!
3:00 PM – Don’t Raise Bail, Lower Your Overhead
Okay, so you’re sending out 400,000,000 electronic solicitations with one click of a mouse to advertise a product or service that doesn’t exist. Cost efficient? You bet. But what business can’t find a few more pennies of profit by streamlining its operations? Gefe Knemell of “Hi Honey It’s Ur Mom” has ideas for the budget-minded small businessman! Like…
- Clothing Optional Day(s). You sit in your apartment by yourself. ‘Nuff said.
- Turn Off The Lights All The Time. Your screen-saver gives off plenty of ambient illumination to find your way to the bathroom. And sitting in the dark not only reduces utility bills and helps protect our environment, it can go a long way toward convincing unwanted visitors you’re not home—or even that you may not exist!
- Outsource Yourself: Selling your domain name to a Latvian business consortium is a quick and easy way to lay off your only employee and make money doing it.
- Keep That Cat Off Your Keyboard. Sure, having Whiskers around dissuades you from staring at the tin-foil over your windows until you see a map of Middle Earth. But one careless paw-stroke could cost you that big email from an addled retiree with his first computer. Pets don’t belong in a place of business!
Check out these and dozens of other do’s and don’ts for the cost-conscious executive who’s looking to crunch numbers as well as redeemable energy-drink cans. In the Terrace Café. (clothing required)
“I thought I’d found every bit of wasteful spending in my home-office operation, but after initiating Gefe’s belt-tightening suggestions, my increased profit margin now almost pays for my divorce proceedings!” – Jelk Foosdale, CFO, “VIRUS ALERT! Click Here To Install Safeguard.”
4:00 – 6:00 PM – Free Time
Bask by the pool, stroll the lush grounds, have a drink at the bar, or just hide in your room.
7:00PM – Keynote Speaker: Prince Njibelouti Kgatltltl of the Federal Republic of Nigeria
Yes, the grand old man of Unsolicited Internet Sales will be here to share his wisdom and some delightful anecdotes about the early days of our industry! Whether it was hacking his first bulk email list on a counterfeit Kay-Pro, or converting a widow’s commemorative Elvis coin collection into Nigerian naira in order to regain his rightful place at the head of his oil-rich tribe, Prince Kgatltltl practically pioneered our profession. So join us as we honor the man who turned broken English, an unguarded prison phone jack, and a dream, into an empire. In the Main Ballroom. Suggested donation: 30 gold krugerrands.
To reserve your spot in this meeting of modern-day movers and shakers, simply fill out the form below:
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