We’re so glad you were able to find our house (Dicky’s directions!) and that you had a wonderful time! We so enjoyed having you as our guest! Here’s how you get home.
If You Live Downtown
Turn in the middle of Wye Crescent. Left on Whitburn (Ave., not Mews!) In 4 blocks, Whitburn becomes Lakeside. Entrance to the 5 South is .4 miles on your left. Exit at Hill St., Spring St, 5th St. etc., as needed. You pay how much for this place? Man.
If You Live In The Valley
Turn around in Wye Cresc. Left on Whitburn Ave, which becomes Lakeside. The 405 North is in 3.5 miles. Keep driving North until you smell the rich blend of donut shops and the Anheuser-Busch plant.
If You Live With Your Parents
Step out onto Wye Crescent. Look down all the lights below and think how, all in all, life could probably be worse. Like if your asshole brother ever comes home from the Army. Say you’ve been drinking, call them to come get you.
If There Are Two Of You (Married)
Argue about who’s sober enough to drive. Bring up that time at your cousin’s when he/she nearly hit the pizza delivery kid. Pizza, Chinese, whatever. Get in car, slam door. Turn in middle of Wye Cresc. Tell him/her you’ve had just about e-goddamn-nuff. Pull over, fume. Finally, tentatively, hold hands (unless stick-shift). Home choice: crazy makeup sex/couch.
If There Are Two Of You (Dating)
Remind yourself it was loud, so only a few people heard that dumb political shit he/she spouted at dinner (alcohol problem?). Your place or his/her place? Dawdle on Whitburn Ave., which becomes Lakeside. Long red light at Fuller to help you think. Up to you, Chuckles: a lifetime of that, or back in the dating pool? .4 miles to the 5 North/South, it’s your funeral.
If You Live A Second, Secret Life
Sneak out as she’s saying goodbye, check 2nd phone for calls from Alanna, hide phone back in shoe. Check parked cars against license-plate list of people you know in other life. Hide list back in shoe. Pull out of Wye Ave onto Whitburn (becomes Lakeside); there’s an all-night bodega/variety on the left. Pretend you need a Coke. Make excuse call from bodega. Entrance to the 5 North/South is in .4 mi, please god be sober enough to remember where this one lives. At home, remember some stuff you left at the office. Switch her lipstick/sunglasses in glove box to Alanna’s, comb hair to other side. You’ve got it from here.
If You Live Way Beyond Your Means
Check for dings in that fancy car. Fold cashmere jacket (inside-out) in what passes for a back seat. Listen to that engine. Wye becomes Whitburn, which becomes Lakeside. Red light at Fuller (.1 miles), check out all those suckers all heading towards their meaningless lives. To your right: The Standard Bar, W, the Marmont. To your left: Harvard & Stone, The Frolic Room, and that new place with the cute bartender. 1st – 7th of the month: nearest ATMs are at Faringham and LaBorde. Rest of the month: hey, everyone takes VISA.
If You’ve Been Considering A Radical Life Change
Drive slowly and thoughtfully out of Whitburn/Lakeside. 76 and Chevron stations are .3 mi to your right (you may be driving all night). Stop at 99 Cent Store parking lot, Lakeside & Fuller. To your West: U.S. Army Recruiting Station, Western American Buddhist Association, Gender Reassignment Counseling Clinic, Vegetarian Atheist Bookstore, Pacific Ocean. To your East: Hair Club For Men, Institute for Historical Review (warning! Nazis!), Scientology Center, State of Arizona, Atlantic Ocean. Drop cell phone in Goodwill box at Lakeside & Tate. Smell that? It’s your new life.
