Amazon invites your city to submit a response to this Request for Proposal. Amazon is undertaking a spirited selection process and considering which North American city will be completely and utterly leveled with a hydrogen bomb.
To add context, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos got totally sauced last Saturday night and drunk-ordered a hydrogen bomb on the dark net. Since coming to—and with an idle weapon of mass destruction at his disposal—Mr. Bezos wishes to soberly calculate which major metro best matches his desire to drop said hydrogen bomb, dubbed Amazon HB2, further dubbed “I’m Jeff Fucking Bezos Motherfucker.” As Mr. Bezos himself has stated, “At present, Amazon HB2 is merely an oversized paperweight. Only when released from 31,000 feet on to a major population center can Amazon HB2 truly fulfill its nightmarish potential.”
Amazon encourages you to examine this RFP and seriously consider if your city is worthy of annihilation at the hands of Amazon.
Overview
This RFP is designed to outline the proposal set forth and provide specific criteria that will allow Amazon to decide which locale to obliterate.
Amazon HB2
-A thermonuclear weapon, embossed with the familiar smiley arrow design adored the world over. Amazon HB2 employs a secondary nuclear fission process consisting of implosion tamper, fusion fuel, and a spark plug shelled by energy discharged by the detonation of a primary fission unit, condensing fuel, which yields a fusion reaction. HB2 measures 15 foot in length, and 37 inches in diameter. It weighs 12,345 pounds. The blast yield is 50 kilotons of TNT—more than 3 times that of HB1, codename for the first hydrogen dropped on Seattle.
The site we chose to wipe out beyond all recognition must meet specific criteria, including:
-A metropolitan area of one million people: A weapon such as HB2 is not to be wasted on a population center of any less. In order for Mr. Bezos to digest the true awe of HB2 in all its terrifying, yet strangely beautiful, glory, a substantial death toll/peak human suffering is paramount.
-A stable and friendly business environment: What’s the fun in leveling a deteriorating, financially crippled city where time itself is the slow Armageddon? Mr. Bezos wishes to witness a fiery hell-storm in place of, what was merely seconds ago, a fruitful and burgeoning metropolis.
-Urban or suburban locations with strong infrastructure and logistical capabilities: A location with “strong bones” is preferred. Mr. Bezos wishes to pleasure himself carnally while observing the orgasmic splendor of lawless bands of survivors fighting over makeshift lean-tos and fistfuls of grain rations amid the ensuing Bezos Nuclear Winter™. Think Saw meets The Road meets Mr. Bezos basting the big swinging kielbasa to the nexus of those two things.
-A talented workforce which is creative and thinks “outside the box:” Mr. Bezos is bothered that a humanoid, who is not himself, may exist who possess the potential to someday eclipse the net worth of himself, whose current net worth proves that he, and only he, is the most talented and creative person in the history of the known universe. HB2 would, in theory, eliminate the maximum amount of existential threat posed to Mr. Bezos’ godlike eminence. (Disclosure: If HB2 triggers the Second Coming, Mr. Bezos wants Jesus to know that he’ll be awaiting his arrival in a Bezos Thunder Cage™…“Two men enter. Jeff Fucking Bezos leaves.”)
HB2 could be dropped on, but does not have to be dropped on:
-An existing urban cityscape
-A cityscape similar to what was once Seattle
-A development-ready site with the ability and capacity to absorb a vast influx of creative and forward-thinking human capital, who are as motivated to be blown sky-high as we are to oblige them.
Employment
-Amazon HB2 is a unique employment opportunity. The B-52G Stratofortress—codename “Enola Prime”—that delivers HB2 will be manned be a crew of five residents from the doomed city. We are currently hiring a pilot, copilot, bombardier, navigator and electronic warfare officer. Each position offers competitive pay, flexible hours (a single two-day shift…get it?), and exclusive benefits, including: one human decontamination episode, the mid-flight thrill of escaping a blast zone, and to be one-of-five survivors privy to the soaring majesty of a mushroom cloud above what was once called home.
Other Decision Drivers
–Incentives! Incentives! Incentives! The word is written three times, boldfaced, italicized, underlined, and punctuated with exclamation points for good reason. We encourage cities who desire to be blown to hell and back twice over to slather their proposal in pre-detonation workforce grants, tax credits, free reductions, carte blanche with a sledge hammer in a local Hobby Lobby, a complimentary tire alignment performed by a professional Gorton Fisherman impersonator, public fountains repurposed into sriracha chili sauce geysers, the mayor legally changing his/her name to Ayatollah Fart Monster, playing Mr. Bezos in Monopoly whenever he (Bezos) damn well pleases, and transfer to him any and all deeds from St. James Place to Boardwalk—including railroads and the Water Works utility—immediately upon acquisition, fuckloads of Swedish Fish, and a total willingness to completely submit to Mr. Bezos’ yet-to-be-dreamt whims and desires.
-Quality of Life…just joking!
Conclusion
Amazon looks forward to the opportunity to work in tandem with the North American city most eager to welcome a Bezos Nuclear Winter™. Please submit all proposals to amazonhb2@letuskaboomyourshittycity.com. Good luck to all.
