They can’t start the game without you! If you’re running behind schedule, don’t let anxiety cause your car to be rear-ended by a canine cop truck. You’ll reach the Consol Energy Center even later. However, if rear-ended, save precious seconds by leaving off your neck protector when you suit up. These players are pros and would never aim at your throat on purpose.
As soon as someone scores on you, he can do it again. Fact! Seriously, he can score eight times in a row if he feels like it. Also, opposing players are legally allowed to skate behind your net and lurk around there instead of courageously coming out in the open. What do they think this is, a koi pond? A “wraparound” is when a guy pops out from behind the net and sneaks the puck right past your foot. Theoretically, putting the blade of your stick down on the ice in a “paddle save” can prevent this, but that’s assuming you’d be able to get up again. Don’t waste time praying that shooters will “miss” or “fall down.” God never answers hockey prayers.
Let physics be your friend. In the opinion of many hockey experts, the angle of incidence equals the angle of reflection. This means that if the puck hits the boards at a 30-degree angle, it will rebound at the same degree of angle. Or, not the puck, exactly. Pucks are round, so they can’t be at an angle. Maybe trajectory is the word I want. Anyway, it’s interesting how if you close your eyes, you can usually tell where the puck hit the boards and in what direction it scooted away. Test your skill by keeping your eyes closed for a portion of each period.
Ninety-five percent of the goals made on you will be ones you couldn’t have done anything about —which leaves the five percent where it was up to you. Even if playing well would have helped you make the save, never apologize. The other players hate it. I know, right? It’s like they don’t even care why you screwed up. Wait until after the game to explain about being stressed because maybe you shouldn’t have let the canine cop go without exchanging information. During the game itself, a cheery “My bad!” will be enough.
If a player is injured during a game—even if he’s screaming and doing those drumming kicks like the forward whose fingers got cut off that time—you must keep playing until the ref says everyone can stop. Even if you notice tendons sticking out, focus on the puck until you hear the whistle. If the injured man turns out to be from the opposing team, good! Maybe he’ll die.
Hat tricks: annoying. Why not turn things around for yourself by making a “hat trick of saves”? Let’s make it a baseball cap for variety’s sake. The next time someone gets a breakaway, make sure he doesn’t score. That rewards you with the beanie part of the cap. With your second save on that guy, you’ve added the visor. Should the third save be the cap’s logo or the little button thing on top? Logos can be very athletic-looking, but isn’t the button the defining thing? There’ve been baseball caps without logos, but I can’t believe there’s ever been one without—Oops, sorry! I mean, my bad!
If the puck’s at the other end of the ice, borrow a trick from age-old Buddhism and perform a body scan. Slowly and meditatively, run your mind up and down inside your uniform, questioning each sensation and taking note of each muscle. Relax your toes; even if it’s a blister, there’s nothing you can do about it right now. Now focus on your core. Is the bladder a muscle? Is it true that some NHL goalies wear Depends during games? Can it possibly be your own jersey that smells so bad? No, it’s got to be one of the guys on the bench. Women simply do not smell as bad as men, end of story.
For a mom, professional hockey is like that thing with the dog walking on her hind legs—you don’t have to be good to be amazing. And speaking of dogs, do get that guy’s insurance information next time! Even if he tells you that he wasn’t allowed to take out the truck off-duty. They all say that.
