I believe that the best people to lead us to the third decade of the twenty-first century are a President who doesn’t believe in global warming and a Vice-President who doesn’t believe in evolution.
I believe that the best way you can measure the amount a man respects women is by counting the number of wives he’s had. The more he’s had, the more he respects them.
I believe that if you tell people what they want to hear, they’ll give you what you want them to give you.
I believe that you know you’ve raised your daughter properly if, by the time she becomes an adult, you want to date her.
I believe that an honorable way of doing business is to not pay what you owe to people and then to invite them to sue you. It’s not inviting them to sue you that is dishonorable. I believe it is disgraceful to say, “Oh, no, please don’t sue me!”
I believe that people are our most precious resource. We use up people, we make money from it, and we discard them. I believe we could not be in business without people.
I believe that, like the wild and beautiful African lion, the only possible relationship a person can have with another person is either to dominate them, or to get revenge on them–which is, now that mention it and I believe it, another way of dominating them. The lion does not have “friends.” The lion does not have “colleagues.” The lion does not have “relatives.” The lion has prey, sexual partners, offspring, and other lions he gets revenge upon. If he had to, I believe the lion would have lawyers, but of course he doesn’t have to.
I believe that leadership—real leadership—is telling people what to do, and they have to do it. I also call that “bossership.” Part of leadership is, when people don’t do what you tell them to, you fire them. I call that “firership.” I believe that if you’re a real leader, the only one who can tell you what to do is God, which, really, is okay, because I don’t really believe in God.
Actually, I believe I believe in God, in a way. In a sense. I believe God is the greatest, and fantastic, and truly amazing, although He doesn’t really do anything.
I believe that money is not the most important thing in the world. That would be foolish, to believe that. I believe that the most important thing in the world is what you can buy with money. It is true that you can “buy” money with money, but that’s different. That’s finance. But even then, I believe that when you buy money with money, you’re taking that money that you bought and buying things with it anyway, so really, in the end, I believe I’m right in what I believe.
I believe that the only thing more important than helping people is having people help you. I believe that if people don’t help you, why should you help them? And I believe that if people do help you, they don’t need any help. But you do! So don’t worry about other people. Worry about yourself, which in my case is me.
I believe that all people, from every walk of life, want everyone else in the world to think they’re the greatest, the most successful, and the most important. All people want many people to say that a lot of people think they’re the best person in the world.
I believe we should get the government off the back of business. I also believe we should get the government off the back of the people. Once the government is not on anyone’s back, that will clear the way for business to get on the people’s back, where it belongs. The government can just stand there and watch, if it wants.
I believe we should be friends with America’s enemies and enemies with America’s friends. That way, it all evens out. I believe we want a world in which it’s all evened out. A world in which it’s all evened out is a world in which nothing really happens, which means people are free to make money.
I believe that everybody loves me, except for the people who are jealous of me. I believe the people who are jealous of me wish they were me, so that everybody else would love them. I don’t blame them. Sometimes, when I think about who I am and how successful I am and what I believe, I get jealous of myself. Then I remind myself that I am myself, and I feel better. I believe it’s good to know who you are, especially if you are me–which I am, believe me.
