Throughout his political career, Donald Trump has used phrases like “People say…” and “Many people are saying…” when referring to his most controversial assertions. Many people say that the many people that Trump says are saying things when he says “Many people say…” are, in fact, not. But they are.
After extensive research into Mr. Trump’s circle of advisors, the Sherman Oaks Review of Books has uncovered the very people who say the things to Mr. Trump that he says say things to him. They are, to be specific, Ron and Trudy McGaffaghee of Lawton, Oklahoma, and a guy named Doug from Pelham, Alabama. If you liked Hillbilly Elegy or S-Town, these are the same kinds of rock-solid, salt-of-the-earth, chicken-of-the-sea kinds of just plain folks.
Here is the transcript of our interview with them:
SHERMAN OAKS REVIEW of BOOKS: How did you happen to become involved in Mr. Trump’s political aspirations?
RON MCGAFFAGHEE: Well, I’ll tell ya. It all started a few years ago when we was writing a check for a Trump University seminar, and I said to Trudy, “That Barak Obama character, I don’t think he’s really an American.” And I guess Mr. Trump must’ve been standing nearby or something, on account of the next day in the news he quoted me.
TRUDY McGAFFAGHEE: Anyways, then Mr. Trump started calling us askin’ us for our… whadyacall, opinions and the like. About political… pundit… ing… kind of a thing, and so on.
DOUG: Me too. I mean, the part about sayin’ Obama was a foreigner. I don’t know how Mr. Trump heard me. I fell asleep on a golf course once, until a ball thunked me in the side of the head. Maybe that was Mr. Trump’s. An’ when security was chasin’ me off the course, I mighta yelled something about Obama sending the FBI after me when he’s not even no American citizen, an’ Mr. Trump mighta heard me then.
SORB: But Barak Obama is an American citizen.
D: No, he was born in Hawaii.
SORB: Hawaii’s been a state since 1959. Obama was born there in 1961.
RM: Oh really? Then why won’t he show us his birth certificate?
SORB: He did.
RM: Oh. I missed that.
TM: My feet hurt.
D: Mine too.
SORB: You’re both wearing your shoes on the wrong feet. So then you all continued to function as advisors to Mr. Trump?
RM: No, no, no, no, no, no. I never went into that Madison Avenue game. That’s another fake news story. I did set fire to my Tuff Shed when my propane tank blew up. That was real.
TM: Only because you tried to light the barbeque with your .38. I distinctly remember that day ‘cause it was right after that terrorist attack in that gay boy nightclub in Florida or Orlando. And I said Barak Obama must’ve known about it. And Mr. Trump said okey-doke.
D: Yeah, I said that too. Pretty sure.
SORB: Did any of you have any reason to think that then President Obama had prior knowledge of the attack?
TM: Well, yeah. He was there plain as day dancing amongst all them Muslims in New Jersey celebratin’ right after them 9-11 buildings blew up and such.
D: Yep. I definitely saw that.
SORB: But there was never any news footage of such an occurrence.
RM: We didn’t say we saw it on the news.
TM: Yeah. We was there.
D: That’s right.
SORB: In New Jersey?
D: Wait. What?
SORB: You were all in New Jersey at the time the supposed celebration occurred?
TM: In New Jersey?
SORB: Yes.
RM: We’re from Lawton, Oklahoma.
TM: Exactly. How else would we come to know that Senator Ted Cruz’s father was in cahoots with Lee Harvey Oswald?
D: Okay, that I know for a fact.
SORB: But there was never any corroboration of that allegation.
TM: Sure there was. We saw it.
SORB: Saw what?
TM: What?
RM: We’re from Oklahoma.
TM: That’s right next door to Texas. Hello?
RM: We beat ‘em last year. What a game!
D: What are we talkin’ about again?
RM: Football!
SORB: So you continued to consult with Mr. Trump throughout the campaign?
RM: The whole durn thing! We was there when them three to five billion Massachusers crossed over to vote in New Hampshire.
TM: Million.
RM: What?
TM: Three to five million, dummy. You said billion. It was million.
SORB: Actually, it wasn’t either. There was no truth to that claim.
D: There surely is. I saw ‘em. All seven million or billion.
TM: That’s what I said.
SORB: No, you didn’t.
RM: Can I get you a Gatorade?
SORB: No, thank you.
D: I’ll take me one of them lemon-limey ones.
RM: No, wait, they slid out all over 177 when I forgot to put the tailgate up. Shoot.
SORB: And Mr. Trump then brought you into his Administration as full time consultants?
TM: You know it! We was at the Inauguration. Dang, that was the biggest crowd in the history of ever!
SORB: No, it wasn’t.
TM: Well, it looked pretty big from where we was at.
RM: Bigger’n the one for the Texas-Oklahoma game! Well, maybe not quite.
D: So you don’t have no Gatorade?
SORB: And all of you continue to provide Mr. Trump with your personal assessment of current events?
RM: Oh, yeah. We’re the ones that told him the FBI was in turmoil under James Comey so’s he needed to fire him.
TM: Yep. We saw it.
SORB: You saw… what?
TM: Turmoil.
D: Me too.
RM: Right. Everybody knows that.
SORB: Actually, nobody knows that except apparently you three. Virtually all ranking FBI agents corroborate that Comey was respected and supported by the agency.
RM: Yeah, well, you don’t gotta be so hard on Mr. Trump. Nobody knew being President would be so hard.
TM: I know I didn’t.
D: Me neither, and I told him that.
TM: Like fixin’ Health Care. I had no idea that was gonna be so whadyacall… complex.
RM: Don’t feel bad. Nobody knew.
SORB: Actually, everybody knew. Literally. Everybody in the world knew that devising a comprehensive national health care program would be complex.
D: Not me.
RM: Hey, lookee! There’s a fella talking to a fella from the campaign! And he don’t look like no Russian to me.
TM: That settles it. There ain’t nothing to that Russia investigation.
RM: Let’s go tell the President!
D: I saw it too! Wait up!
(END OF INTERVIEW)
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