The moon landing was faked at Mel’s Mini Putt in Delray, Texas. The “astronauts” were distracted from realizing they hadn’t left Earth with a Slinky and a book of Jumbo Crosswords.
Chico was the smart one.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. Talk to my guy. My guy knows who the race and the battle are to.
Human life begins at Conception Jewelers.
There is no such thing as German, just very poor English.
Laverne: funny. Shirley: sad.
If you throw enough rice at a cow it will follow your car.
Black people perspire from one large sweat duct under each eyebrow.
There was no screenplay for Gone With The Wind; it was assembled entirely with “slow” footage cut from the dancing hippo sequence in Fantasia.
Kaiser Wilhelm was a small man drawn on top of Marlene Dietrich.
It wasn’t Lee Harvey Oswald who killed JFK, it was the humidity.
The best films have a “2” in them.
The giraffe only creates the impression of being tall by hanging out with smaller animals.
Baroque and Neoclassical are types of toilet seat.
Taiwan, Thailand, Taipei, Thai Curry and Tim Curry are all the same place.
The vaginas of Javanese women come up to just beneath their chins.
The only bad Nazi is a grammar Nazi.
Europe is just PERU spelled backwards.
Give a mouse a cookie and it only encourages dependency.
The nether regions are the naughty parts of Dutch people.
Products beginning with a K are inferior: K-Mart, K-Tel, K-Rations, K cars, K-Earth, Kaye Ballard. Don’t get me started on Special K.
Gilligan could have left any time but he was snorkeling Mary Ann.
Faux fur is made by skinning animals that are impressionists.
The way to beat a man with a good idea is to stand behind him with either a better idea or a hammer.
Using a Ouija Board is butt-dialing God.
The Treaty of Rome was unfairly skewed to favor the Gondoliers’ Union.
Tony Curtis came to America by crossing the Boeing Boeing Strait.
Melania is the ten that five’ll get you.
By law, a man who waxes his chest must change his name to Susan.
Scientists agree the universe’s greatest unknown is how they put two hours of video on that little plastic disk.
Modern aircraft are kept aloft not by the shapes of their wings or fuselage but by a million bees cleverly stored in the rolling snack trays.
Homosexual men have sex in the Doogie position.
The average Bactrian camel can go two weeks without needing a perm.
One swallow doth not a summer make. But it can seal the deal in a job interview.
No man is an island. But some men are incontinent.
A furlong is the distance a man of average height can throw an otter.
The eyes are the windows of the soul but the butthole is the chimney of the ass.
Romy Schneider wasn’t well-built in a day.
Ron Paul = Rand Paul = RuPaul = Paul Ryan
Genitally, no shame being an “innie.”
Teakettles and irons share a common ancestor.
In leap years there are three extra ounces in a firkin.
Comedy is tragedy plus time. Boxing is ballet minus teeth.
Never get a mani-pedo.
The way to a man’s heart is between his 3rd and 5th coastal cartilages with a spork.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. If you give him a coupon for Jerry’s All-You-Can-Eat Pescateria he’ll eat for four hours then puke on the sidewalk.
There was really only one Gabor sister, she just changed hats a lot.
The pyramids were traffic cones for a really big pyramid that never got its permit.
More is more. But lots more is even more.
