Trump Flight School — For some reason, most Americans not only have never flown in a private jet, but many of them have literally no idea how to do it. The questions are endless: Do you have to use a seatbelt? Is it okay to wear running shorts, a “wife-beater” t-shirt, and flip-flops, like on a regular plane? Do you have to pour drinks from those tiny bottles, or are there normal-sized fifths? Is the food any good? Can you plug in your laptop? Do the flight attendants have to have sex with you if you ask, and, if they do, do you have to tip them? And so Trump resolved to make available to the public his expertise and knowledge concerning private jet passengerships. He created, for the first time anywhere, Trump Flight School. Then the Arabs raised the price of jet fuel or something and the whole thing went to hell.
The Culinary Institute of Trump of America – Most people are familiar with Trump’s expertise as regards steaks, but few are aware that Donald Trump is an excellent cook. In fact, a lot of people are saying that he’s one of the best cooks among top executives anywhere, that he uses only the finest ingredients and the best equipment, and that if he opened a restaurant it would immediately be awarded three stars, or five stars, or whatever is the most stars you can win. He derives a wonderful feeling of satisfaction in preparing, for Melania and his children, a gourmet tuna salad, a tempting platter of French toast, or a delicious meal of spaghetti and meat balls. That’s why opening the Culinary Institute of Trump of America was a no-brainer. Sadly, it was also a no-enroller, once an unethical journalist took the course and unethically wrote how all the dishes and recipes were variations on tuna salad, French toast, and spaghetti and meatballs.
Trump Academy of the Commanding Visage – When Donald Trump speaks, no matter how bold, visionary, or smart he is, no matter how astounding his ideas, breathtaking his deals, or shocking his taunts, one thing nobody says is, “Wait — are you serious?” Why? Because, as the entire world can see in every photograph of Trump ever taken, Trump is a serious man. The stern frown, the humorless squint, the flinty attitude: all combine to announce to the world, “This is a serious, no-nonsense type of individual.” Trump almost never smiles in public, and when he does, it’s obvious he doesn’t mean it. No wonder he conceived, in his own mind, the idea of a school that would teach ordinary people how to look like winners when they have their pictures taken. Sadly, there weren’t enough frivolous, yes-nonsense individuals to make the Academy a success, and it went out of business three days after it opened — an outcome that was somebody else’s fault, because the idea was great.
Trump Home Staging Service – When a house is for sale, many owners will hire a home staging service to replace the seller’s used, tired-looking furniture and decorations with new, artfully selected pieces. It makes the house more enticing and leads, many think, to higher sale prices. Donald Trump is one of the foremost experts at designing and decorating interiors, so it’s only natural that he should have begun a home staging service, so that normal people might benefit from his taste and his “eye.” Tragically, it turns out that a talented artist needs a talented public to appreciate his creations. People got too intimidated by Trump’s lavish use of pink marble and gray marble and white marble and polished granite and little waterfalls all over the place and massive chandeliers of crystal and other tasteful appointments made of high-class materials. The only customers who appreciated (and could afford) Trump’s taste were the Iranians, who allowed feelings of personal pique and geo-political hatred to interfere with what should have been a mutually-beneficial business relationship. Sad!
Trump Alpacas – If Donald Trump knows anything, it’s how to spot and exploit breaking trends, to turn sudden fads into hot new business opportunities. When he realized that people would want real estate, he went into real estate. When he noticed that people liked to stay in hotels, he plunged into hotels. When it occurred to him that people liked gambling and “gaming”, he committed, fully and without hesitation, to casinos. So it was that, overhearing a top executive in a golf club locker room talking about alpacas, Trump started Trump Alpacas. Its slogan: “The Greatest Alpacas in the Entire World.” But the venture ran into a snag when he stabled the first herd of alpacas at his sprawling Rio a Playa a Lago a Agua estate. His high-spirited sons, Donald, Jr. and Erik, decided to indulge in an impromptu “safari,” and killed them all. From then on, Trump had problems with his alpaca suppliers, which was very unfair.
